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07.07.08, 17:15 PM General Topics
35 replies
DH has developed an odd sense of entitlement. FIL notified us that he has changed his will to leave all his assets to his current wife. DH is furious. I've tried reminding him that his father is not a wealthy man and that his wife will live a very modest life on what is left behind, while we are comfortable (and can continue to work to fund our own retirements). But he is just pissed off. I'm afraid he will ruin his relationship with his father in the little time they have left together. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.07.08, 05:15 PM Flag
 

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hey, I'd be pissed off as well. who is this "wife" what the heck did she ever do for him? that totally sucks the assets should be moved to the kids NOT the wife. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:19 PM Flag
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huh? Who made you the worlds estate planner? The children are grown and sound quite self sufficient. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:22 PM Flag
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OP: This "wife" is the man my FIL married a few years after DH's mother died. DH was about 9 when they married. She SAH, raised DH and his siblings for many years, and has no money of her own. If FIL leaves his money to his children, all of whom have substantially more money than FIL does, FIL's wife will be destitute. And at 80 years old, she isn't in much shape to get a job to support herself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:24 PM Flag
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you've got it right. GL in helping him see that what you're saying is both valid and moral. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:25 PM Flag
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then I guess that makes your dh an asshole. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:26 PM Flag
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well that's pretty judgemental. His feelings are natural. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:29 PM Flag
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nope, not really. The majority of married people leave their assets to the surviving spouse. If there was a lot of $$$ it would make sense to leave some to kids from first marriage, but if not his father's decision makes perfect sense. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:32 PM Flag
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Then I don't understand what is your DH complaining about. Tell him to get a life. If there is so little money, and several siblings, he would not get anything meaningful anyway. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:30 PM Flag
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Wow, how refreshing to hear someone post on UB who recognizes (and despairs of) entitlement. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:22 PM Flag
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not so entitled but let's think of the grandkids for a moment eh? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:23 PM Flag
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OP: But DH and I do fine financially. We can provide for our children. If FIL doesn't provide for his wife, who will? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:25 PM Flag
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can a clergy person help ? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:26 PM Flag
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OP: I was thinking of dragging DH to a homeless shelter or soup kitchen to see if it was the kind of place he wants his stepmother living out her remaining days. But your idea sounds good too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:27 PM Flag
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taking care of our elders - IMHO - is a moral imperative. I try to teach my DC this and maybe a clergy person can help frame it this way to DH if he is religious. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:30 PM Flag
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Well, teaching our kids to take care of their elders is much more important than teaching our spouses! -np (please note: to those who don't speak NY- above should be read in a sarcastic tone for best impact.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 10:35 AM Flag
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I am sure OPs children will have enough to eat without the estate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:27 PM Flag
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Oh come on. If your DH left everything to your kids and you got nothing and had nothing to live on, how would you feel? It's not like he married this woman last year. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:30 PM Flag
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Why? What makes the children more deserving than the wife? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:26 PM Flag
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this is totally stupid. the wife should get the estate, no question. the bigger question is who will she bequeth it to. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:30 PM Flag
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Sounds like she will spend it, given it is not much money and she has nothing else to live on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:33 PM Flag
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ITA. My sis and I quietly ponder this about our dad and his wife (who we like very much)because she has 3 daughters of her own. Would what our mom and dad built together go to her kids ? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:33 PM Flag
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Your dad could handle this with trusts. He could pass his estate into a trust that benefits his wife during her life, then benefits you after she passes away. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:36 PM Flag
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that costs money, it doesn't sound like it would be worth it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:57 PM Flag
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it doesn't cost much and if it can be set up as generation-skipping you don't have to pay inheritance taxes on it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 10:37 AM Flag
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OP: My expectation is that she will spend down the cash, then have to sell the condo to pay for assisted living or a nursing home. We are not talking about much money. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:35 PM Flag
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If it's not much money is it really worth the family rift? Your DH needs to grow up. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:38 PM Flag
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It's not worth the rift at all. I was shocked to learn that DH even expected anything. His father is not a wealthy man. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 05:38 PM Flag
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have you told your dh how you feel? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 10:37 AM Flag
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well, maybe if dh is lucky she'll die first. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.07.08, 08:31 PM Flag
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I just went through this when my father passed away a few months ago. My brother and mother (from whom dad was divorced for 15 years) had this huge sense of entitlement and flipped out when they realized he left everything to his 2nd wife (of 15 years). It has been hell for me and I have been estranged from mother and brother for several months because I just cannot stomach hearing about it. My advice to the original poster is to do whatever you need to do to help dh get over it and get over himself while his father is still alive. His dad probably worked his ass off his entire life, and provided a comfortable life for his kid(s) - what else could a person possibly want??? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 10:23 AM Flag
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It doesn't have to be either/or you know. FIL can leave everything to his wife during her lifetime and then if anything remains after her death, it could go to his children. If he leaves everything to her outright, then at her death (if there's anything left) it would go to whomeveer she chooses - be it her children from a prior marriage, her siblings, nieces/nephews, etc. and I can understand your DH thinking that THAT is not fair. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 10:32 AM Flag
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ITA. Although, if there any items left that belonged to DH's mother, maybe those things should go directly to her DCs, but the FIL's money should go to his DW. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 06:09 PM Flag
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Sometimes tangilble objects (often worthy little or no $$$) can cause huge fights. Is your DH worried about things like these? I agree 100% that any--ANY--items that belonged to his mother should go to the children. And your DH should be upfront with his father if there are any other items--things of his father's, perhaps, that he and his siblings would like. It does sound like the FIL is doing the right thing with the cash, though. Maybe the inheritence of the "objects" is clouding the issue? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.09.08, 01:05 AM Flag
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You don't mention whether or not your Dh and the second wife had a good relationship before this. Just because she has been in his life since childhood does not mean that she was kind to him, that they were close, or that she was a good person. Is she a jerk? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.09.08, 01:07 AM Flag
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Does your DH get $$$ after step mom dies? This sounds pretty right to me. Perhaps it is in trust for him. Either way - it's not your DH's money. My DH's fam has had many lost relationships over inheritances. Lawsuits, you name it. So not worth it IMHO. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.09.08, 07:17 AM Flag
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