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07.03.08, 09:53 AM General Topics
47 replies
I think my DH hates me. Or, doesn't love me anymore. What do I do? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.03.08, 09:53 AM Flag
 

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come on, how do you expect anybody here to reply sensibly to something like this. we don't know the first thing about the situation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:54 AM Flag
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he says he feels like I put the kids before him and he's always so snappy with all of us. he talks down to all of us (never used to) and says he does it to the kids because his anger at me is dripping over to them. this makes me defend the kids and the cycle continues. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:59 AM Flag
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np: Have you guys tried some time alone together, like a weekend away? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:00 AM Flag
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i think we need this desperately, but we have no one we can trust to stay with the kids that long. and money is a little tight now -- we could do it but it would be a stretch. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:04 AM Flag
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Try to figure something out. I don't mean to sound financially irresponsible, but flying in your parents to watch the kids will be a whole lot cheaper than a divorce next year. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:08 AM Flag
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np. ITA - it will be worth it if it saves your marriage. Do you have date nights? Even if you don't feel you can go away overnight take time out together. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:11 AM Flag
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We do this really silly but fun thing of picnics in bed after the kids go to sleep. I get fried chicken or sandwiches, bottle of wine, and we spread a blanket over the bed. Put on music or a DVD. It's really fun, always leads to sex. Maybe you could try it, OP. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:14 AM Flag
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np. That sounds like a great idea. I might try that :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:17 AM Flag
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np- it sounds like a lot is going on her and I'm not sure a weekend away is going to solve the problem. No matter how angry he is at you is doesn't justify his behavior towards the kid. He is an adult they are children. He needs to grow up on that score. As for your relationship, you need to come up with a repair plan together. You need to set aside time for one another. Therapy is one option. Finding a reliable sitter for date night, picking one night a week, and really going. Even just opening a bottle of wine and ordering in after the kids go to bed can work. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:16 AM Flag
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^^ also if your dh hated you he would be out the door. He sounds hurt which means he still cares so there is hope. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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That isn't always true. Divorce is a long time coming. Most people don't just pop up, out the door - espeically when you have children. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:21 AM Flag
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Yes it is a long time coming and op is not there yet hence "there is still hope" the way I see it could go either way so try and fix it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:26 AM Flag
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interstingly, it was our therapist who first said what I have said to OP. Divorce is an option. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:28 AM Flag
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So you went to therapy and tried to fix it. That is all I'm suggesting. It is a process and you are in a different place. Let OP have her chance to get there. She may end up in a different place. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:33 AM Flag
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And why is it so offensive to people to let OP know that it just might not work out? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:35 AM Flag
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and that that is OK and there may very well be nothinng she can "do" about it - she did ask. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:36 AM Flag
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No one is saying do x, y, and z and everyone will be happy again. She asked what her options are. She know is might not work out, it is not working now. I think you are letting your own feeling cloud the way you are reading this post. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:39 AM Flag
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well, that doesn't sound good. is it possible that he is overloaded and overly neglected? otherwise, that doesn't sound good. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:01 AM Flag
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sounds like he is stressed. can you try therapy? He probably doesn't hate you, but misses the days when it was just the 2 of you and you could devote more attention to him, and he's still adjusting to being a dad (this can take years) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:01 AM Flag
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for example, last night he yelled so disrespectfully at 5 yo for doing something annoying, but ultimately not a big deal (squirting a bunch of toothpaste in the sink) then told 8 yo she was acting like a baby (again, the tone was terrible) then chided me when I couldn't find the checkbook fast enough for him. it's like everything he says to everyone is dripping with hatred and he didn't used to be like this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:02 AM Flag
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sounds like he's having issues outside of the home that need to be addressed. Will he go to therapy? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:12 AM Flag
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np, OP, I am your dh. I don't love my spouse, therapy isn't going to change that. People fall out of love and that is the reason we divorce. So, while others may paint a nice picture for you - consider divorce as an option too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:17 AM Flag
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It doesn't sound like her dh doesn't love her, it sounds like he is angry and stressed and has other issues he needs to work through [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:18 AM Flag
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I guess you interpreted what she wrote one way and I another. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:20 AM Flag
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you have the opposite side of a different relationship - you can't know or assume that her dh hates her from what she has written. I'm sorry you no longer love you dh and you're divorcing but dont' assume that is best for everyone, especially without trying therapy first [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:25 AM Flag
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?? i dind't assume anything, I gave OP another view. Nothing different than any of the other responders did - shared what could be going on, it just rubs people the wrong way - people tend to be hopeful and say - he loves you! try therapy. When, in reality 50% of marriages end in divorce. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:27 AM Flag
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sorry you're divorcing miss bitter [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:27 AM Flag
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I'm not bitter and don't understand your need to label me that way [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:29 AM Flag
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Have you divorced your dw [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:21 AM Flag
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not yet, moving August 1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:22 AM Flag
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and its dh. I am dw. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:23 AM Flag
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Does she know? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:23 AM Flag
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Does he know? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:23 AM Flag
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yes! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:24 AM Flag
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So that is your situation and not this one. Sorry it didn't work for you that doesn't it won't work for someone else. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:27 AM Flag
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LOL. OK, so anyone who posts about picnics in bed and therapy "knows" this situation and anyone who says, hey, he might not love you, he might hate you doesn't. Funny. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:30 AM Flag
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It sounds like you are in the middle of a painful time , good luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:36 AM Flag
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No, you want to make it like that (society gets so weird about divorce). It isn't painful. As a matter of fact, the way we knew it was time was that there was NO hurt, no pain, no regret and we can both leave freely. So, while I understand that someone posting about divorce as an option gets people rattled - don't project feelings and experiences that simply are not there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:39 AM Flag
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I'm sure there is a lot of pain for your children, you selfish woman [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:39 AM Flag
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some people beleive staying together for the sake of the children is the thing to do. Some people don't. It isn't black and white. Life seldom is. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:52 AM Flag
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oh, I completely agree, but saying that it isn't painful at all isn't true - I am pretty confident it is painful for the kids no matter what [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:58 AM Flag
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You sound awfully unhappy. Next time you go to therapy, I would talk about this post. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:46 AM Flag
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Society gets "weird" about divorce? Yeah, I guess it's tough to see that 50% of people that get married are liars. (Remember the whole "I promise" thing?) Marriage is a choice. You decide to make it work or to take the easy road and get out to f** others (or f** them over). You don't care about what your decisions do to anyone but yourselves. Divorce hurts. Unless you are completely self-absorbed, you know this. And while the adults in the situation may not care, the kids will always have issues with abandonment and fear that their own spouses/sig others will someday leave them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 05:07 AM Flag
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So, do you torture your poor spouse and berate your children too while you figure out an exit plan? Nice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:23 AM Flag
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no, but I am human and make mistakes. I wish I were perfect like you, but that isn't the hand I was delt. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:25 AM Flag
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I'm nowhere near perfect. But I think what OP's DH is doing is despicable. "Falling out of love" is no excuse. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:27 AM Flag
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i have tried to get him to go. I don't know why he won't go -- i do think he has anger issues. when he is in a good mood he is a fantastic father and husband. when he turns cranky it's awful and I worry about the long-term relationship with the kids (as well as me). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 11:52 AM Flag
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