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07.03.08, 09:46 AM General Topics
18 replies
Dh and I having a horrible time lately and I just told him on the phone I thought we should separate and he agreed, which was the last thing I expected. I am devastated and stunned and can barely breathe. I can't believe I'm going to get divorced, omg I think about my kids and can't stop crying. I just wanted them to have parents who stayed together, unlike mine. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.03.08, 09:46 AM Flag
 

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sorry, have you tried counseling maybe talk about this issue with counselor? how old are kids? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:47 AM Flag
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have you tried counseling? that seems like a good step to take before separating. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:47 AM Flag
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I know it does. I've been in therapy, but we have two jobs each and literally cannot find the time or money to go to counseling. It's pathetic. Could it really help THAT much, when we're this unhappy? (though we really do love each other.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:48 AM Flag
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it could totally help that much. if you each have two jobs then you're probably not seeing each other very much, or spending much time as a family, which could be contributing to the problems. any way to cut down on working a bit? (i know, i know...) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:50 AM Flag
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No. We're broke, and sending dd to private school on major FA; we both work hard because we desperately need the money, but it's true we hardly ever see each other, we have very little family time :-((( [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:51 AM Flag
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Well divorce will increase all financial problems 10fold. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 10:12 AM Flag
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Yes it could. You need to find the time for it. You owe it to your kids to make the effort. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:52 AM Flag
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why wouldn't you try to work through it before making a phone call and separating? That is not the way to go - try counseling [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:48 AM Flag
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We've tried. It's been bad for a year, maybe more, and when I look hard I can see that the issues have been there since the beginning. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:49 AM Flag
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maybe you're both just angry and lashing out. nothing is written in stone at this point. either of you willing to consider counseling? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:48 AM Flag
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maybe I should really insist on this. I thought I wanted to be apart from him but now I feel totally opposite of that, like I didn't want this at all, I wanted him to say "NO, we shouldn't separate. I love you, let's try to make each other happy." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:50 AM Flag
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right, i've been there, almost daring the other person to agree with my ludicrous plan, which wasn't really what i wanted. but when you said you should separate, he might have been hurt and wanted to hurt you too. hard as it is, give him and yourself some time to cool down and then tell him what you really want. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:52 AM Flag
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np: say that to him then! he probably feels the same way. no reason to make this a stand off. fight for your marriage! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:53 AM Flag
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you could tell him that: "i'm sorry i said this awful thing that i didn't really mean and don't really want. I know we are unhappy now, but i love you and want to remain a family with you and our kids." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:53 AM Flag
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thank you all. These are very kind and thoughtful responses. Of course they're making me cry more but I still appreciate them ;-) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:55 AM Flag
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i am sorry. not trying to hurt you more, but i have to ask - why did you suggest separation if it wasn't what you wanted? in my opinion (i would do this if i were you), i'd tell him that i didn't mean to say that, a separation is not something that i really want, but that we cannot go on the way we've been. make it clear that you are not in the habit of making idle threats. i wish you luck. really [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:49 AM Flag
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I did it because I just felt so incredibly frustrated, lost, hurt, sad.... I have told him over and over we need counseling if we're going to make it, that I sense that we're on the brink, and I just don't feel like he REALLY responds. He's so damn overworked, I get that. But I just lost it. I wanted to spur him into actually DOING something about our marriage, not wanting it to end. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:53 AM Flag
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i understand you completely. i have said things i didn't really mean in order to get dh's attention. you just have to own up to it and say that you didn't really mean it and fron now on will only say what you mean. it's hard when you are unhappy and feeling unheard. try asking him calmly if he still loves you and wants to continue as a family. good luck. i mean it. you sound like a nice person who just made a mistake out of frustration, not a compulsive manipulator. i hope things work out [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.03.08, 09:56 AM Flag
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