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07.02.08, 19:44 PM Expecting
32 replies
So I am expecting a baby that will more than likely need surgery at birth. Is it really insensitive of a friend to tell dh that he is really entitled because he is sad and nervous about the birth. She reminded him of how lucky he is that he doesn't live in sub-saharan Africa with these problems. I am a little hormonal, but so pissed off. Legitimate? (We do know how lucky we are to have access to excellent doctors in NYC.) [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
Expecting 07.02.08, 07:44 PM Flag
 

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Your friend is insensitive and I would be upset too. "Entitled" -- OMG, what's wrong with this person??? GL to you and your baby. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:45 PM Flag
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Thanks. I don't know what is wrong with her. She was visiting for a few days and so judgmental. Good friend, no kids. Couldn't understand why we had so much stuff for dd #1, was appalled that we weren't borrowing a bassinet (have no other friends with small children and don't have dd's anymore), suggested to my dd that she should be drawing water from a well for her bath. Since dd is 3, she didn't really get the equity thing, just was confused. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:48 PM Flag
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np: I have a friend who is so desperate to have kids of her own that she is unbelievable in the things she would say about my pregnancies (which are complicated) and when one of my DC was in the NICU. Now that the kids are older, she seems to always talk about how she would parent them "better" and "more empathetic." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:52 PM Flag
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Friend is being an insensitive bitch. Good luck to you and baby - I'm sure you have the best doctors. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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not hormonal. That is totally inappropriate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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No, she's an unfeeling idiot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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people say the weirdest things when presented with difficult situations. you wouldn't believe some the totally stupid things people said to me when one of our children died. You just have to let it go. People get weird around death and illness. Cherish the friends who do get it and know just what to say, and learn from the ones who don't. I'm sorry, I'll say a prayer for you and the baby tongiht. All the best. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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np: sorry for your loss [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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thanks [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:48 PM Flag
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np: you sound very wise [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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I am so sorry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:48 PM Flag
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thank you, didn't mean to make it about me, just wanted op to know where I came from [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:49 PM Flag
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Most people with whom we've shared the information have been really nice. Some have sort of appropriated the drama, which is weird - I don't know if it makes sense, but are sort of like breathlessly waiting to hear more about other people's tragedies. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:51 PM Flag
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:) yes! We called them the foul weather friends. I remember! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:54 PM Flag
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they really suck the life out of you. pretty sure this event will end up defining some friendships for me. there are also well meaning friends who say "oh it won't be that bad. why worry until it happens." but at least they aren't judging... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:56 PM Flag
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yep, hang in there, find the humor in making fun of the stupidity if you can. I remember when dh and I were writing some thank you notes long after - and one friend (a nice lady) had written to us that "half the church was behind us". We composed a pretend funny thank you note saying Dear Mary, What the hell is wrong with the other half of the church? May not translate funny to you -- but we laughed about it for days and it got us thru. Its all hard. But you will come out of the tunnel. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:59 PM Flag
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thanks. we'll get through it - at some cost, but we'll get through it. i just hate having to even think of being judged right now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 08:04 PM Flag
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she's an idiot [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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Well it sounds awful...are we getting the proper context? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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Driving along, he telling her (they are very close) that he is frightened and upset, she telling him that he is a priveleged and entitled white guy. Maybe so, but in fact, he is a priveleged and entitled white guy who is having a baby who needs heart surgery. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:50 PM Flag
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she sounds insanely self rightious and a total hypocrit-I'm sure she considers herself totally sensitive to the needs of others (meaning poor people she's never met) but is completely insensitive to people she knows. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:56 PM Flag
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i am considering ending a decades long friendship over this. i just can't get past all of her judgments, when we are just trying to get from day to day with our little family intact and healthy. it is especially ironic because while she is far far far from wealthy, she lives in the whitest, richest part of marin county. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 08:00 PM Flag
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don't make any decisions now, its best to wait until crisis and hormones pass. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 08:05 PM Flag
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she obviously doesn't have kids if she can think of anything other than the fact that surgery for a db is any parent's worst nightmare [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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totally legitimate for you and dh to be upset. Your friend sounds like an ass. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 07:49 PM Flag
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she sounds awful - you're not overreacting at all. Does she have some sort of "issues" that might cause her to behave like this? It just seems so out of line. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 08:00 PM Flag
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well, try to think of it from her perspective, she's not the one with the sick baby. it's not her baby, it's another one of many babies born in this world with great needs that this particular society can attempt to fulfill. basically, she doesn't feel the love that you feel for your baby, that's not unusual. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 08:11 PM Flag
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np: That is a twisted perspective. Of course we feel more for the sick of our friends and family than for strangers halfway across the land - mainly because we see the effect on the people who love the sick person. And to then expect the friend/family not to feel more for their own sick child is a whole added layer of twisted. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 08:14 PM Flag
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i dunno about you but i don't expect my friends to feel for my family's traumas. my friendships are based on telenovelas. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 08:24 PM Flag
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oops, i mean NOt based on telenovelas. I guess I mean to say I keep my stuff pretty private, and really don't want, nor need the attentions of friends for situations they can't alter. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 08:26 PM Flag
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I can't imagine you wouldn't tell a close friend if your child was seriously ill, and would not expect if not support at least not a lecture about people starving in Africa. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 08:28 PM Flag
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Friend was an ass - you should be pissed - it was a pretty dumb comment. GL to you and your baby [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 08:19 PM Flag
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