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07.01.08, 13:21 PM General Topics
47 replies
My sister just lost her 5th baby. I am so sad for her but don't know what to say anymore other than being supportive. She keeps getting pregnant and losing the baby, and will not consider other options. Obv it is not the time to talk about them now, but anyone been through this that can offer some wisdom? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.01.08, 01:21 PM Flag
 

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has she carried any to term? how faralong is she when this happens, or has it varied greatly? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:48 PM Flag
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No, she hasn't carried any to term. She has been between 12-20 weeks each time [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:48 PM Flag
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I am so sorry for her. Im sure there is nothing new to say that you havnt already. just be there for her, be kind to her. She needs to process this and figure out what she wants to do. DO they have any idea of why this has happened? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:51 PM Flag
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see below... I am so sad for her (and this is really horrible timing since we were expecting dcs within a month of each other, I am 12 wks pg and she miscarried at 16wks). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:52 PM Flag
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Has she seen an RE? Done the workup for recurrent miscarriage? I did this after 3 miscarriages and a lot of intervention (including IVF) have gone on to have 2 kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:50 PM Flag
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Yes, seen an RE and conceived the last 2 on IVF... apparently she has a condition that causes her to miscarry late because her body sees the fetus as parasytic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:51 PM Flag
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is she willing to consider a surrogate? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:54 PM Flag
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I don't think so. I have offered (after the last m/c) but she said no [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:54 PM Flag
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that is generous of you. is there a chance of her carrying to term w this condition? i guess there must be if RE is doing IVF. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:00 PM Flag
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The condition was only diagnosed after the last m/c (2nd pg with RE). I think the chances are VERY slight. I would absolutely be a surrogate for her, and I think our other sister would too (she is younger and hasn't had kids yet though, I am pg with my first) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:02 PM Flag
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maybe she will reconsider her options now that she has that diagnosis, but it might take time. good luck to all of you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:06 PM Flag
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thanks, that is what I am thinking [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:06 PM Flag
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That's awful--a much more complicated diagnosis than my own. I will say that, for me, I really didn't want advice from fertile people or people who hadn't had a lick of trouble having kids. I saw a therapist and that helped me a lot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:55 PM Flag
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I have not given advice (don't know what advice I would give). She has been in therapy for ages, so I'm sure they're addressing this [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:56 PM Flag
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But your post was asking about other options....I'm not sure you're the person to suggest those options. I'm sure her RE and therapist have discussed them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:58 PM Flag
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My post was really about what I could say to her or if anyone had been through this how they coped/what advice they got [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:00 PM Flag
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np how about surrogate and implant embryo of her/DH? V. traumatic to keep losing babies. Poor thing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:55 PM Flag
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NNP: She knows the options at this point. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:57 PM Flag
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np: Are there any kinds of medications that could help? I can't imagine she could keep putting her body through this, let alone her mind. So sorry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:56 PM Flag
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I don't know about medications... I imagine they've tried most things at this point. It isn't really a RE issue either because she gets pg without much trouble... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:01 PM Flag
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Well, either an RE or a maternal-fetal specialist. This must be wreaking havoc on her body, for it to consider itself under attack all the time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:02 PM Flag
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I will see if a m-f specialist has been consulted... not sure [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:06 PM Flag
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that is awful for her and awful for you too. what does your BIL say ? is he interested in other options ? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:58 PM Flag
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My BIL is not the talkative type. I know it is v hard for him and he is willing to look into adoption, but my sister was adopted and has "issues" with that so she doesn't want to adopt [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 01:59 PM Flag
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np: Their marriage will be in tatters if the doctors can't figure something out or she thinks of alternate routes to becoming a parent. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:00 PM Flag
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op - what a nice thing to say. Seriously, keep it to yourself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:01 PM Flag
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Sorry, I speak from experience, but it came out all wrong. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:03 PM Flag
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ok, I understand [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:04 PM Flag
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I see she's seeing a therapist, that helped me and my DH ended up at one too. He just couldn't bear to see me go through this again, and was also worrying about what would happen if I made it into the barely-viable stage and the baby was very ill. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:06 PM Flag
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I'm sorry you had to go through that. Do you have healthy dc now? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:07 PM Flag
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Yes, I do - two. They figured out a way to get me through pretty well with #1 (my 5th pg), and I got cocky and went for #2. He barely got to 35 weeks and was in bad shape because of my crappy uterus. So grateful he's healthy now, but my selfishness is hard to think of now and was a source of stress between me and DH. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:10 PM Flag
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stop beating yourself up and enjoy your dcs! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:11 PM Flag
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I hope your sister finds a solution - the new medical advances are astonishing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:15 PM Flag
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This reminds me of a couple we are friendly with. They are not miscarrying, but have had no luck for almost 4 years now with IVF. They start and stop and so on. In this couple it is the man who is adament that they will have "Their own" children. She just wants a child, he will not consider adoption. It is a sad thing. I'm also sorry that this must hamper your joy at your own pregnancy... that sucks too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:01 PM Flag
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I'm so not thinking about myself at this point... I just feel so badly for her. I think I can understand her issue about not wanting to adopt, though she had a great family who love her as if she was naturally part of it, but hopefully she will come around to that or surrogacy. I think the pain is just too great atm [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:03 PM Flag
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you are obviously a good sister. good luck to both of you. I don't understand what you wrote about adoption though ? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:05 PM Flag
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My sister was adopted (dad had 5 boys, didn't think he could have a girl, so they adopted my sister, then he remarried a few years later and had 2 more girls with my mom...) so she doesn't want to adopt herself [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:06 PM Flag
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OH. That's interesting though. I would have thought that she would be Ok with the idea - maybe not her first choice - but not wanting to adopt after seeing how great it can be wouldn't be what I would have expected. Then again, what the hell do I know ?! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:08 PM Flag
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I don't really understand it either... I think somehow deep down she feels like she was less "wanted" because her parents divorced when she was a toddler and then our dad had 2 more girls. It is so far from the truth though - our dad ADORES her, always has [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:09 PM Flag
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np: maybe she would be better with an open adoption situation? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:11 PM Flag
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np - open adoption is REALLY difficult... we went through it and I never would again. That year of time in which db's birthmom could change her mind was HELL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:12 PM Flag
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is that a requirement for open adoption? i thought all newborn adoptions had a period of time (varying by state) where a birth parent could change their mind? i have an acquaintance who has done both kinds (2 of each) and has been far happier with the open adoptions situation and thinks those kids are more comfortable with adoption as a result. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:15 PM Flag
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where we were (CO) it was the requirement. It was AWFUL and our ds has a lot of issues stemming from it. We didn't adopt him until 15mo (his 13yo mother had thought she wanted to keep him, then changed her mind) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:18 PM Flag
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but woudl this not ahve been the case for a closed adoption? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:20 PM Flag
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I have two friends who adopted newborns in open adoptions and they both got the babies in the hospital. In one case it took a year to complete the paperwork but the child lived with them that whole time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:21 PM Flag
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As others said, that is not the case with every state, or all adoptions. We adopted both of our kids domestically, as newborns. Both adoptions are on the openness spectrum. Once the parental rights were terminated (w/in the first weeks after birth) there was not a concern about birth parents reclaiming the children. And because they were open adoptions, we were able to talk to each other and be clear about where we stood. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 08:49 PM Flag
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It sounds like she has anti-phospholipid syndrome. She needs to see a good rheumatologist or OB/GYN who specialized in this area. With close follow-up she should be able to carry to term. She needs a good MD!!! Chances for full term pregnancy are GOOD if she has not had appropriate care thus far. Signed, BTDT [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 08:45 PM Flag
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