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06.30.08, 11:31 AM General Topics
12 replies
I feel so frustrated and guilty. We are having a really hard time putting our nearly 4 year old to sleep at night. No matter how early we start the process he is really making it super difficult for us--insisting on changing toothpastes 2 or 3 times, running around while we try to get his pajamas on, etc. We both work full time but spend our weekends with him and his brother and come home at a reasonable time in the evening (6:30 pm). What makes it worse it that he behaves for his nanny and in school so it's clearly a problem with me as a mom. (Not trying for sympathy but I'm at my wits end.) Bedtime includes a bath, teeth brushing, reading a few stories, and lying down with him until he falls asleep. (Yes, I know Dr. Ferber would disapprove but our child was adopted at birth and are very serious about attachment.) When our little one strings the bed time along, I get frustrated and angry thinking about how I'm ignoring the older one (nearly 11) and not getting any down time (or time to pay the bills, etc.) and then I start yelling. I know this is counterproductive (and mean) but I feel like nothing is working--saying no cartoons the next day, taking away toys, etc. Help! [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.30.08, 11:31 AM Flag
 

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have you tried just shutting bedtime down, meaning, if he makes a fuss about the toothpaste, its straight to bed in whatever he's wearing right then, with no books, etc. just threatening this works with my 3yo so i've never had to actually try it, so i can't make any promises... also, btw, dd is so much more difficult with me than with anyone else - babysitter, school, even dh. its not that you are the problem but that kids have a special relationship with their mothers and test them more. good luck! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 11:34 AM Flag
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This is not a problem with you as a mom. It's GOOD that he behaves at school and with the nanny. If he were misbehaving everywhere that would be a problem. Psychologically and developmentally it's normal for a child to save the worst behavior for the person with whom he feels most comfortable. He's going to test you b/c he knows you will always love him. Bedtime issues are rough but I would suggest a reward chart. Make a list (or use pictures) of everything that has to be done for bedtime. If it's all done within a certain amount of time (30 mins?) he gets a sticker. After a week he gets a prize. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 11:36 AM Flag
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I say ditto on the reward chart but try a little of what or said: include a punishment. Ds has to "earn" his books. If he brushes his teeth, he gets a book. Puts on his pajamas he gets another. If he doesn't do any of the above, he goes to bed without books. But you have to be firm and consistent with this. Then if he's great all the way through, stickers and prizes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 11:52 AM Flag
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Hello everyone, I tried the stickers route and it worked like a charm. The incentive was enough to get him to cooperate and the plan made me feel calm and act in a more patient manner. At the end of the week if he has 7 stickers, he will get to go the dollar store and pick out a small trinket. Thanks again! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:39 PM Flag
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You need consistency. He knows he can string you along and he's playing you. Try the following: tell ds the bedtime routine, ask him to repeat it, when he does not complete the activity or tries to string it out, tell him he can either X (brush teeth, lay down, etc.) or he can sit in time out and then X. Actually give him a time out without further warning, if necessary. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 11:36 AM Flag
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np: i don't like this idea since it accomplishes his goal of stringing bedtime along. bedtime is the one time of day i *don't* use time outs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 11:38 AM Flag
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Thanks, everyone, I'll try what you suggest. I think some combination of use of the reward chart and just stopping what I'm doing and saying "you're going to bed" calmy may work. My mistake is that even when I lay down the law, I alwasy seem to back down so he is definitely playing me. If I can stay calm and determined not to back down, I think it may work. Sadly, whenever I try to put my child in time out he does not stay. When I've tried to move him to the time out chair, it becomes a contest of wills and I get really angry and afraid that I'll be tempted to spank him (which I don't think is a good idea). So, just stopping the fun and stopping the bargaining process I think may work. Will report back in the next few days. Thx. again. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 12:29 PM Flag
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good luck! it is so hard but try to stick to it! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 12:33 PM Flag
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This used to be the case with our son, i would put him to sleep for hours, as he would find any excuse to run around, regardless of what threats I used to beg for him to come back to bed. Then I started putting him to bed closer to the time when he actually fell asleep, and not the 'normal' time of when kids should go to sleep. It worked like magic - he falls asleep right after I read to him for a bit, without any resistance. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 11:42 AM Flag
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Interesting--maybe he [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 12:30 PM Flag
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i think that he's probably trying to extend the time he spends with you. also, i find ds (also 4 yo) gets more tired in the summer - what with being outside all day and swimming some days - and probably should actually be going to bed EARLIER so as not to get into that super tired and cranky phase. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 02:42 PM Flag
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The sticker chart worked for me to get both dcs back in to their beds - 5 stars meant a trip to Build-a-Bear. I hate Build-a-Bear - but it worked. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 04:18 PM Flag
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