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06.29.08, 11:00 AM Newborn
92 replies
hi, i posted the other day about my dh having an affair and it seems that we are headed for divorce after talking for hours last night. i am curious about what the next step is - should we file for a legal separation or can we just get the divorce going? i have so many questions and i have not decided on a lawyer or anything bc this is all happening too fast. just need some advice from those that have gone through a divorce before. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
Newborn 06.29.08, 11:00 AM Flag
 

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I'm sorry. Don't have experience, but get a lawyer fast. I cannot believe he actually thinks he has a future with the freaking babysitter. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:02 AM Flag
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np ITA! Ouch! The babysitter? That is so idiotically stereotypical. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:04 AM Flag
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yeah and op's babysitter was more of a nanny it seems - a 21 year old [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:05 AM Flag
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yikes [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:12 AM Flag
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yeah, i need to find one but i havent even processed yet. it is happening faster than i can comprehend and now i am going to have to talk to the kids about what is really going on. my dh wants to start getting his things from the house soon. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:04 AM Flag
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Please protect yourself even though you are in shock. You will regret later it if you and the kids are not protected. I think you should tell them the truth - that you are separating but you love them very much. Don't get into the details. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:06 AM Flag
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ITA and it might be better (if you can deal with it) for you and DH to tell them together so that you can both answer questions and assure them that you both love them. Very sorry [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:07 AM Flag
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yeah, he was very insistent that he be there and we tell them together, which we plan on doing later today. i am terrified of their reactions, they are so young. i barely even understand, so i dont know how they will. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:15 AM Flag
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how old are they? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:16 AM Flag
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6, 3 and 2 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:18 AM Flag
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ugh. I'm so sorry. That would be so hard. No advice since I havent' been through it but GL to you. Maybe get some books about talking to kids about divorce. I'm sure there are some good ones out there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:20 AM Flag
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he really needs to be there when you tell them. It should not be just you under any circumstances. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:08 AM Flag
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Separate first. Neither of you are in a position to divorce now. He needs 6 months to understand what he has done and you need 6 months to get everything lined up. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:13 AM Flag
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oh i think they are both in the position to divorce - this guy had a year long relationship with another woman in op's home! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:19 AM Flag
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No - he had a few clandestine, forbidden quickies with a virtual teenager. When the financial repercussions hit the wall along with the loss of his kids, etc. he will feel differently. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:20 AM Flag
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from her post yesterday though, these weren't quickies - it went on for a year and i assume she and dh discussed the relationship in length when they talked about the divorce [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:23 AM Flag
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np too bad. OP should drop him like a hot potato! Who cares what he thinks or feels after that [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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ita - he can go have some kids with his jailbait then she will cut him dry and eat all his money [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:25 AM Flag
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3 kids is why OP should care. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:25 AM Flag
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so she should let a man who sleeps with the caretaker of her children for a year and asks for a divorce once she catches him just waltz back into her life? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:28 AM Flag
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look - I'm a huge advocate of working on a marriage and sometimes even staying if things aren't perfect for the kids. This situation is ridiculous though! He slept with the nanny in OP's house. He risked his family, not her. She should not put up with that! It's sad for the kids, but better for them to see their mom stand up for herself than to just take whatever this guy dishes out [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:29 AM Flag
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why is he going for the nanny? i can't belive this guy. she must be pregnant. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:17 AM Flag
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Hey she is a piece of hot young ass - she will be fascinating for 6 months and then he will get tired of going to parties with her friends and pre-gaming in their parents basement. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:19 AM Flag
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unless OR is right and she is pregnant - then this hot young piece of ass is going to be a tubby young piece of ass that he will be forever tied to now [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:21 AM Flag
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why do you assume tubby? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:21 AM Flag
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most pregnant women do gain weight [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:23 AM Flag
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exactly - and imagine a 21 year old nanny getting knocked up - i bet she'll be the most miserable pregnant lady - she will drive him crazy [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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I want to know what the DW did to drive the DH into the arms of the nanny. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:26 AM Flag
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who said she did anything? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:28 AM Flag
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np: Oh, yes. It must be all OP's fault that her DH not only broke their marriage vows but had sex with the nanny, in their house, with their kids there. All OP's fault. You misogynistic horror. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:29 AM Flag
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ita - no dh has an affair for a year if his wife is doing everything right [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:30 AM Flag
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np: What does "everything right" entail in your world? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:31 AM Flag
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yikes! Have you never had anyone do something bad to you before? Some people are just unthinking mean idiots and do bad things. I'm sure OP is not perfect but I don't think anyone deserves this! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:33 AM Flag
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OP: listen, i know i am not perfect, but our marriage was strong i thought, the only real issue we ever faced was that he wanted to try for a fourth child right after i gave birth to our third. i told him i might be open to having one more, but i would rather wait a bit so there was more of an age gap between our kids for many reasons - especially having to put four kids through college so close to each other. after we had a long talk about the reasons i wanted to wait, things were fine again. he was always a wonderful father and enver showed any signs of being unhappy and never spoke of anything bothering him so much that he would leave me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:44 AM Flag
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please ignore this idiot. There is an especially evil troll on today. No one here blames you for this at all. She has been stalking the board and making mean comments for the last hour or so. I'm sorry you are in this mess. Do what you have to to protect yourself and your kids and send his sorry ass out the door. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:46 AM Flag
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you have all been so helpful, really. i haven't told anyone about this yet so it is good to atleast have somewhere to get my frustrations out until i am ready to talk to someone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:47 AM Flag
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GL to you. I think you probably should call a divorce lawyer and get some basic info about what happens next. Again, I'm very sorry this happened to you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:51 AM Flag
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OP, you do not have to defend yourself against this nasty and bitter person. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:17 PM Flag
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yeah bad things - but not having a passionate affair with another woman for a year - that isn't something you just do on a whim [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:46 AM Flag
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do shut up. You know nothing of her situation and are just being mean for no reason. His lying and cheating are NOT her fault. She trusted her DH. Is that a bad thing? I think not. Bow go crawl back into your hole [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:50 AM Flag
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i am not being mean, i am just saying what you are all too afraid to say [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:53 AM Flag
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not true. I don't agree with you. I have been fooled and lied to before in life and never saw it coming. It happens and this is not her fault. You are just trying to hurt someone who is obviously already in a great deal of pain. Well played [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:55 AM Flag
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I totally agree. I wish that this troll would go away. It is usually so friendly around here. Honestly, who would lash out at someone that is going through what op is? I can't imagine being that mean spirited. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:02 PM Flag
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yet there are many like that [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:03 PM Flag
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well - I must admit that I often like the trolls. They can be pretty funny sometimes, but when someone is hurting, it's just mean. I like to pick on people who are whining about stupid things - not real life upheavals. I feel for OP [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:05 PM Flag
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there's a difference between being funny to a stupid post, and being just plain nasty and mean. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:08 PM Flag
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yep. ITA. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:08 PM Flag
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not here lately, thank god. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:05 PM Flag
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I have been on UB more years than I care to ponder, but that was the meanest comment I have ever read. You should be ashamed of yourself. Seriously. You should get off line now and ponder how you became such an unkind and vicious person. If you have a religious figure in your life, go talk to that person. Your comment was beyond the pale. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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i am pretty sure she is gone bc we havent read a nasty comment in a good 15 minutes, phew [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:17 PM Flag
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thank you Church Lady [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:46 PM Flag
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I'm really thinking Combatant, Offensive, Ignorant Poster, that you either ARE or have been that nanny-or are her confused friend or relation. Stop posting crap that will karmically jump up to bite you in the ass, you Ninny. Dear OP- That prick is SO f*ed up that I'm praying you get your legal counsel retained by tomorrow-Latest- and immediately get a therapist referral for your self before you get crazy. Good Luck with getting that piece of work out of your home. Your kids and you really need that right now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 04:08 PM Flag
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np: ITD. You really are an idiot. I don't usually call people names but my god, woman, you need to chill on this. My hunch is that someday you'll learn the hard way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 04:01 AM Flag
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You are misguided, to put it mildly. That's the biggest myth in the world -- that an affair is proof that the wife did something wrong. Talk about blame the victim! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 03:58 AM Flag
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pure evil, your post. you should hang your head in shame. i feel sorry for every member of your family, to be saddled with a judgmental, cruel hideous soul like yours [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 01:12 PM Flag
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divorce atty here (not in ny)-if you are certain there is no chance of getting back together i would file for divorce first and move for a temporary order for child support/custody to protect yourself [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 11:30 AM Flag
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Isn't this all happening really fast? Wouldn't it be easier on the kids if she got legal advice, they separated, and let the dust settle a bit? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 04:04 AM Flag
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can you tell us any details of the conversation you and dh had? about the future of your relationship, kids, what went on with him and the nanny? it might help us to help you [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:05 PM Flag
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well, there was a lot of ground covered. he stated that he wanted the kids atleast 3 days a week once he moves into a new place until we have custody set up. he said that as much as he wishes our marriage were something that could be repaired, it just wasn't in him and the end has been inevitable for far too long. he told me that he just didn't see a future for us, that we had both grown and changed and that it was too important to him to have more children etc etc etc etc. i asked him the intimate details of the year they were together because as much as it pained me, i needed to know every last detal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:13 PM Flag
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he wants to divorce you because you want start ttc immediately after giving birth to your last child? you must be kidding me. i just see a midlife crisis here - going for a hot young fertile girl to restart his life as if he were 25 again. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:14 PM Flag
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did they ever sleep together in your marital bed? how did they go about this - shouldn't dh have been at work? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:15 PM Flag
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he said that they never slept in our bed because he didn't want to disrespect it which is where i started to scream at him. he said they would typically do it in the shower or the pool or the guest room or his home office because they were private from the kids. it just sickens me that they were doing this everyday. he would stop home during his lunch breaks or while i was out of the house. i paid this girl to sleep wth my husband basically. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:28 PM Flag
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so not only is she a homewrecking whore, she's an irresponsible babysitter. who the fuck was watching those very young kids while they were going at it? Thank god nothing serious happened to the kids! Please bring this up when you ask for custody -- that he would put the kids in unsupervised danger just for sex. For pete's sake, my kids are about that age and it's almost impossible for dh and i to find time for sex. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 03:47 PM Flag
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how did they initially start their relationship? she must have been 20 when this began right? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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yeah, it started when she was 20, he said that he came home early from work late one night when i was out of town for the weekend at a teacher's conference. the kids were asleep and he offered to order dinner for her since she stayed later than planned. the two of them talked and realized they had a lot in common, they ate dinner and she stayed there afterwards, they flirted with each other and he kissed her, they took off their clothes and they had sex all that night in our guest room and they continued together the entire time i was gone. that is how they met. i forced him to give me every part of the story bc he just kept telling me it wasnt something i needed to know. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:23 PM Flag
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I bet that was the only time they really talked. It is just his excuse for why it happened. If it had been about anything but the sex, he would have come clean about this before and left for her. I can't imagine if she thought they had a real connection that she wasn't asking him constantly when he was going to leave. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:33 PM Flag
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I kinda agree with him. You really don't need to know all the details. It's just rubbing salt in your wounds. Maybe other people who've BTDT have a different opinion? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:36 PM Flag
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i have btdt and it just eased my mind to know everything - i wanted to know every piece of the puzzle - why eh was leaving me, and also part of the reason my ex didnt want to talk about it was bc the more he spoke the worse it made him sound - plus incse the divorce gets nasty you would rather know ahead of time than hear it in the courts [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:44 PM Flag
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ita - coming from the other side, being the one who had the affair - i did not want to tell my dh bc it made me feel like scum, i did not want to tell him for my own selfish reasons, but i told him he would only be in pain if he had to hear the sordid details bc i needed a cover [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:48 PM Flag
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OK, OR retracts her uninformed advice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:50 PM Flag
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ouch. What a jerk. He really wants more than 3 kids? I could maybe understand if you had none or 1, but I've never heard that with 3. Does he think that he's going to be with nanny? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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yes, he ideally would love to have 6 kids, he comes from a big family and really loves kids, he always wanted a house full of little feet and i told him i would definitely consider 4, but i couldn't handle more than that [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:29 PM Flag
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He is not in a position to make demands. He should instead be making amends. OP, PLEASE, call a divorce att'y first thing Monday morning. UBers, can you give OP a referral? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:18 PM Flag
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Ita! He sounds like he has thought about and is already moving on the divorce proceedings. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:20 PM Flag
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It sounds like he is only thinking about himself and how to meet his needs. OP needs to move fast. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:22 PM Flag
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i am definitely going to make calls on monday, i needed the weekend to breathe [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:24 PM Flag
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good. I'm glad that you had the weekend to collect yourself, but I'm really glad that you're going to move on this. I was worried for you, because so many women screw themselves by not seeking advice as soon as possible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:27 PM Flag
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OP, BEST wishes to you and your children. I had a friend who was a divorce attorney, and when I asked him why, he said because it was spending time with people who had to really figure themselves out. So, I hope you find this painful time an opportunity for renewal. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 12:31 PM Flag
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and call every single great atty you can call for a consultation so that they cannot take your husband's case. Get to every big hitter and shark there is ! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 01:21 PM Flag
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op - you actually managed to make me laugh! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 01:36 PM Flag
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I would have never thought of that! Brilliant advice! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 01:37 PM Flag
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I have to say that it is perhaps one of the WISEST things a woman can do. Do not for a minute think that the man who did this will not stoop to the lowest levels to keep all that he feels is his. It is a very important thing to do and I believe many other attys would tell you the same. make all those calls, go to all of those meetings, and do it quickly. Call around and ask which attys out there have the reputation for going all out and getting huge settlements for their clients and get them on the phone ! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 01:40 PM Flag
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yep, there was an episode of the Sopranos where Tony did this to screw over Carmela. I say go for it! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 01:46 PM Flag
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it's hard ball, but - to make an obvious joke - he's been playing with his balls for a long time now ! Let her put his in a vice if she can ! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 01:47 PM Flag
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op - i definitely will be doing that. i am starting to move on from depression to vengeance, which maybe isnt the healthiest, but i jsut want to bring him down, i am starting to just get angry [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 01:59 PM Flag
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go you avenger, you ! Take care of yourself in everyway that you can, and assuring yourself the best Post-Marriage situation is good. Screwing the nanny on the guest house my ass ! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 02:02 PM Flag
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You go girl. Take everything from this ass! A 21 YEAR OLD NANNY? He should be in jail. Like hell is he getting three days a week with the kids. I'm thinking a weekend a month...at most. He can go fuck 20 year old girls on the other weekends. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 02:44 PM Flag
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ITA. What a fucker. He wants a family of 6? He just lost his family of 3 kids. How can a kid ever respect a father who does this? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 02:42 PM Flag
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This is what I'm thinking too -- your husband is Not In His Right Mind. In the world of affair-talk, he's in the "fog." I think you're right to walk away without looking back, and to fight for everything you can get in terms of the best deal for you and your children. The man is temporarily insane. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 04:10 AM Flag
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^^Seems to me that the tricky part is going to be dealing with his custody when Ho-nanny is still in the picture. Lawyers, is he likely to be allowed to have her with him when he has the kids after what they've admittedly done together? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 04:12 AM Flag
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the nanny is a ho. your dh is a prick. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 05:18 PM Flag
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i am sorry for what is happening to you family, but i belive that there [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.29.08, 08:38 PM Flag
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