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06.27.08, 18:53 PM Newborn
114 replies
I need advice. I recently learned that my dh has been having a serious affair. I am considering leaving him. I've been sitting with this information for about a week now and I am having a hard time getting over the shock. I don't know whether I should start seeing a therapist now, talking to a lawyer, marriage counseling, I don't know what to do. Anyone btdt or atleast have some input? I'm at a loss and I have children to take care of at that. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
Newborn 06.27.08, 06:53 PM Flag
 

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I'm not sure what I would do other than not make a rash decision. I think your ideas about therapist (for yourself or for both of you) and a lawyer are solid and should be pursued. Good luck and hang in there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 06:55 PM Flag
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when i left my dh, i made the decision without rationaliing and it became a problem in the divorce bc i "abandoned" him. bc of this - he gets far more time with the kids than i would like and my support isnt as much as i should have gotten [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 09:13 AM Flag
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np: ugh that sucks..did he have an affair?? So wouldn't that be abandoning you? So we aren't supposed to leave our dh and kiss their ass? That's nuts [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 12:06 PM Flag
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you'd think [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:22 PM Flag
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technically, depending on the state, the one who moves out is the one that is abandoning. It is crazy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:25 PM Flag
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see a lawyer - you will never be able to trust him again [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 06:56 PM Flag
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Does your husband know that you are aware of the affair? I would recommend talking to a therapist just to help you clear your mind and make the best decisions for yourself. I am really sorry that you are going through this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 06:57 PM Flag
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he knows because i have almost caught them a few times in compromising positions and eventually talked to him and he said he was crazy, but i finally caught them so he could not deny it any longer and he willingly left to give me space to brew [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 07:00 PM Flag
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I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. Please see a therapist. You need to get an "out" for your feelings with someone who you can trust...you also need to make a plan for what you want to do/how to handle this and speaking to someone thoughtfully about this should help. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 07:03 PM Flag
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yeah, i am definitely having a hard time rationalizing on my own, but i am just nervous to start conversation about it - i haven't told anyone yet [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 07:24 PM Flag
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Well first of all...you have to remember that YOU have not done anything wrong. Secondly...it is important to talk to someone who is nonjudgmental and who understands that you are having a rough time talking about this. You have every right to be upset talking about. Please, please, please see a therapist about this. S/He will be fully aware that you are emotional about this situation...you have every right to be. Look...you've taken the first step already by talking to us about it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 07:35 PM Flag
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i dont even know how to bring this up to my friends and family, and i hate not telling dc exactly what is going on - i just told them daddy was going on a trip for a bit [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 07:48 PM Flag
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don't tell dc until you've talked to a lawyer, anything you tell them can come back to bit you if dh tries to show that you're hurting his relationship with them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:28 PM Flag
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So sorry...that totally sucks. You should definitely start seeing a therapist for yourself. That can only help. As for lawyer, marriage counselor, etc...it totally depends on what you want to do and only you can decide that. You probably know deep down what that is, but maybe you are still in shock, so you can't figure that out just yet. Does dh know that you know? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 07:01 PM Flag
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it is a shame that you had to see it - it is much harder when you have a visual [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 07:08 PM Flag
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seek help asap [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 07:19 PM Flag
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Take my advice and do nothing about ending the marriage, you have a status quo now and officially leaving him is not going to change it. You have children to care for and yourself to nurse through this terrible time. Yes get a therapist, yes talk to a lawyer and he will advise you on what your rights are. But be in no rush to end this legal situation, let it be on your terms. Cold comfort I know, but you will be stronger and a nicer person when you come through this. Don't allow your dh's behaviour cause you to become a nasty horrible shrew which will justify in their eyes they betrayal of your trust. Be a lady and get yourself help. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 07:31 PM Flag
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i wish i could just wake up from this nightmare, i wish someone would pinch me so i could come back to reality - i've never once thought about ending my marriage, and now all i can think about is divorce [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 07:57 PM Flag
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my heart goes out to you, and I have been in your situation, not exactly but divorced. All I can tell you is get support from parents, friends, clergy, therapist. Not just one source. You need many sources of help. Refuse to allow yourself to fall into distructive behaviour, you are better than that, you deserve better regardless of how poorly you were treated, you are a lady. Hold that thought because this blow to your self-esteem could derail you into behaviour unworthy of you.You are not junk, although your dh is our rutting. He does not define you. Concentrate on caring for your kids to the utterly best of your ability, this you can take pride in, and know you did not abandon them, no matter what their other parent did. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:07 PM Flag
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thank you, i needed to hear that - the woman he was with is much younger, gorgeous and well, someone i trusted. i am just disgusted with him and the thought of putting my kids through a divorce kills me inside. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:09 PM Flag
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how did you know this woman? How old is she? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:37 PM Flag
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she is 21 years old - she would watch our kids while dh and i were at work during the school year and every so often in the summer [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:40 PM Flag
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this is a huge betrayal on so many levels. how long was this going on? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:48 PM Flag
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the past year [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:52 PM Flag
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will he do couples counseling? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:59 PM Flag
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to be honest, right now i feel like he wants to be with her more than he wants to save our marriage [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 09:06 PM Flag
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hence the voluntary decision to leave home. I'm fighting back the urge to call him every name in the book. I don't know you, but my heart really goes out to you. Talk to a therapist to help you organize your thoughts. It's obviously more complicated than you could ever express in an UB post. Then, when you're feeling a bit more at ease, talk to a lawyer, even if you decide to work on the marriage, because your marriage is at risk and you should have some sense of what your rights are in your state. Do not hesitate to reach out to your friends and that includes your friends right here :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 09:13 PM Flag
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thank you so much for the support, this has been the most painful week of my life. it is so hard - in front of dd i have to act so strong and i wonder if they notice how forced it is. at night i just find myself unable to sleep in my room bc it just reminds me of him. i've fallen asleep in dd's bed twice this week, and on the couch the rest. it is difficult being in this house. fortunately my dc are going on a weekend trip with my sister and her kids this weekend - the timing couldnt be more perfect. i love my kids, but it will be nice to sit and think myself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 09:19 PM Flag
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Also see if you can go out with a friend. Too much isolation can make you feel crazy right now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 04:19 PM Flag
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omg what an a$$hole!! it wont last between them. leave him, you will never trust him again anyway. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 11:54 AM Flag
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i know, she is 21 years old! he could practically be her father - the worst aprt is that our dc adore her so not only will their father be gone, so will their babysitter [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:24 PM Flag
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oh honey i am so so sorry [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:55 PM Flag
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ita ita [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 09:12 AM Flag
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be a lady? are you kidding? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:46 PM Flag
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yeah right? leave him, there is nothing more to it! i know it's easier said than done but you will be happier in the long run. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 11:57 AM Flag
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start reading and posting @ www.survivinginfidelity.com. This helped me right at the beginning. We have since reconciled and this site was a lifesaver to me besides the therapist. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:02 PM Flag
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thanks, i'll have to check it in - may i ask about your dh's affair - was it longterm, or with someone you knew? i am having a hard time seeing myself married to dh any longer [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:03 PM Flag
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one nighter (2005) in the back of a van-found charge for planned parenthood on the credit card (morning after pill). he was out of the country at the time of my finding out. worst 3 weeks ever. we are reconciled, have a son 4 mos old and I have forgiven him. It took 2 years though. He really had remorse and was willing to work through shit. that "hard time seeing myself married to dh" is a reaction of the trauma, this feeling may or may not stay. I was in therapy at the time. I never told the therapist until 3 months after. I needed to mentally process it. It was painful, dark and very ugly and it passed. Hang in. Breathe, do your work to process it in your own time! Best of Luck to you and hug yourself, you deserve it! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:26 PM Flag
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do you know who the girl was [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 08:43 PM Flag
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ew, he didnt even use protection? what an idiot [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 11:56 AM Flag
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i'd say get those divorce papers ready right now and move on [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 09:11 PM Flag
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its [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 11:58 AM Flag
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ita [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 11:58 AM Flag
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The one thing you need to do is cry, cry like you never cried before. My husband cheated on me also after 11 years of marriage and 2 kids he cheated on me, and he did it with a 23 year old kid, fancy that, buttttttttt i woke my self up and after 2 long days of crying and feeling sorry for my self i made a decision not only for my self but for my kids and i stayed, we got help from a religious person and it help, and belive it or not, but his cheating has made our marriage better, it may sound crazy but it brought us closer, so before you give up get help and when you are not to busy read PSALMS 35 it help me, so hang in there a failure is some one who has never tried. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 09:43 PM Flag
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yeah, i've been doing lots of crying, little sleeping [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 08:04 AM Flag
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who are you kidding with religion? he is probably still cheating. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 11:59 AM Flag
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dont knock relgion - i am not a follower, but i was raised catholic - in times of desparation i have definitely started to pray, read the bible, it made me feel better [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:48 PM Flag
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wow how did you find out? are you certain of the affair? and he knows that you know? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 08:06 AM Flag
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i hope you kicked his sorry ass to the curb! a man who cheats is scum in my book [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 08:37 AM Flag
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a strong woman here finally!! i agree with you. why do we always cut them slack? btw is your husband paying the bills? is this why it is hard for you to move on? if so then i guess i see your point. otherwise move on;) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 12:01 PM Flag
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I suggest you see a lawyer and a therapist - and perhaps even a therapist for dc [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 08:40 AM Flag
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I am so sorry. My dad did this to my mom with a much younger woman, divorced my mom and married the affair, and now he is doing it AGAIN to the second wife, again with a much younger woman. I am telling you this to let you know that as a child who grew up in all this mess, I am OK as an adult, happily married with a child--it was tough but it did not mess me up. I am sure you are so worried about how this will affect your kids and I just wanted to give you some comfort if I can. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 09:33 AM Flag
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thanks for the support [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 11:47 AM Flag
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My only real piece of advice is not to stay b/c of the dc unless you think that in the future you can let this go. I would not be able to, and I have seen wives who have stayed become so bitter that they alienate their own dc. It will not help them if it is going to materially harm you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:31 PM Flag
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well, i don't want him around my chldren right now knowing what he has done to them as well. it just sickens me how much this is going to hurt them doubly because they lose their longtime babysitter who they have grown to become very close to. they absolutely loved her and i thought i could feel safe leaving the house knowing she was going to be there with them [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:46 PM Flag
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Sorry for what you are going throug,it is so painful. Not for nothing, but isn't the babysitter still going to be in the picture? He's still with her right? Are you not going to let your husband see the kids for awhile? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:55 PM Flag
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she will have no choice about whether the kids see dh... If she tries to keep him away (for any reason other than abuse), things will get really ugly in divorce court. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:58 PM Flag
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that's why I was asking, the poster sounds like the kids will never see her again,meanwhile, it sounds like the husband is still with her and they have a relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:06 PM Flag
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oh no i do realize they will see her again - but as their father's new girlfriend, which is going to be difficult for them to understand [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:14 PM Flag
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how old again are the kids? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:21 PM Flag
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6, 3 and 2 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:31 PM Flag
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OMG, wow that's a lot on your plate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:36 PM Flag
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You're children are going to be just fine, no matter what. They will get over loosing the babysitter, just as they would if she left for another job. You do not need to tell them what happened. Your husband's a jerk, but try to recognize that this really was done to you, not them. He is going to love them no matter what (if he is in anyway not an absolute a**hole). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:57 PM Flag
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i'm just worried though, if the two of them continue their relationship my children are going to get the idea of what happened and of course i will be the one answering those questions [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 01:59 PM Flag
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it sucks. truly I feel for you so much, but there is nothing you can do about it either way. You have no legal right that I know of to keep a cheating spouse away from the kids. They sound young, so while they will be confused and probably very angry later when they fully realize what's gone on, they should be just fine. I understand your anger, I just really don't want to see you do anything that hurts your chances of getting custody of the kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:06 PM Flag
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Your children will eventually figure it out, then they can decide to do what ever they want with the information. When I went through this as a kid I remember thinking that my parents were so mean and nasty to each other that I wish they would get a divorce, then my dad had an affair and left, and you know what, no one could blame him, if my mother did the same thing we wouldn't have cared either. Granted we were a bit older, 12 and 14, but we were glad they were done with each other...just another perspective. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:13 PM Flag
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He really has only done something to you, you got to keep that in mind, please don't isolate the kids from him, my parents did this and it really bit my mother on the ass. You're husband been shitty to you, but I'm sure if you look back on the past year your marriage has proably been neglected and suffering and affairs are major symptoms of that, of course he should have just left in the beginning and not carried on, but it doesn't sound like he has that type of sensitivity. Be strong, this is going to be the most empowering thing that has ever happened to you, and in time you'll be so glad you're not with this guy. I'm sorry you have to go throught this though, it gets better. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:03 PM Flag
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np: If her DH chose some stranger to have an affair with, then maybe you might be right (and I say maybe). But he chose someone who the children trusted and had a relationship with - that changes everything. He did this to the kids too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:07 PM Flag
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legally no he didn't. Of course he did logically, but in the legal system, pretty much all that matters is how they go forward. Honestly, if anything, I think that it might make it more easy for dh to argue for more custody if he moves in with her and she doesn't get a job, because the kids already know and trust her. It's sick, but if she doesn't play her cards right, I can see this being a huge mess. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:12 PM Flag
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what a nightmare! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:15 PM Flag
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Well, I know two cases of men running off with the nannies. Judge didn't look kindly on it in either case. Didn't necessarily change custody, but in one of the cases (SIL) the judge laughed at her ex's request for full custody and requiring him to taking a parenting class. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:16 PM Flag
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Your SIL's ex probably requested full custody in hopes of getting joint custody. Rarely is that denied, felons and drug addicts get it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:19 PM Flag
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Nope. He had the nerve to say the nanny was raising the kids anyway, was a better mother than SIL. Poor SIL was working so hard because ex was a loser who could never keep a job or watch the kids properly. The only good news for OP is guys like this loose interest in actually watching the kids anyway, especially when the new woman doesn't want the kids around (because they never do). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:22 PM Flag
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or when the new woman wants her own kids [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:32 PM Flag
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Recently, SIL's ex has wanted their teenage DD to start visiting for summers again (it's been years). Get this: He wants her to BABYSIT their new baby. Barf. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:38 PM Flag
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yes, provided that op doesn't start trying to keep kids away. If she tries to punish dh through kids, it makes it look her look unstable as well. She needs to be as professional about this as possible, even if it sucks. She's hurt right now, deservedly so, but as soon as you start bring the kids into it, that changes the rules of the game. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:21 PM Flag
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I agree. And people don't have year long affairs and ruin their marriages and lose half their assets if they don't see it working out in the end with the affair,even if it is a slim chance that he and the babysitter will worrk out, he probably doesn't realize that. The poster doesn't need to worry too much though, so it lasts a couple of years, that 21 year old is going to get over having a father figure and having to watch the kids for free soon enough. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:17 PM Flag
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This is total bs: "if you look back on the past year your marriage has proably been neglected and suffering and affairs are major symptoms of that" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:24 PM Flag
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People don't cheat when they are happy and feel loved. I'm not saying it's her fault, it's not, I'm just saying when you look at the entire picture I'm sure there were symptoms. Before my husband and I were divorced we probably had sex 2 times in the year before he left and I devoted everything to my kids, I don't regret that, but we totally neglected our relationship for so long, neither one of us cared by the end...until I found out he was cheating, then I was devestated. I didn't want him, but I was mad that he cheated. That was years ago, my perspective is different. I thought I'd never get over it, my marriage failing that is, but I'm much better for going through that experience. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:32 PM Flag
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Actually, people DO cheat when they are happy and feel loved. I can find the cite on the internet to one guy saying, I had the best wife in the world but I wanted something more. It really happens, believe it or not. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:40 PM Flag
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^^I should have said MEN do cheat when . . . I don't think women do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:41 PM Flag
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np below: ITA. It might not have been anything more than seeing the tighter ass of the younger sitter sashaying around the house. Or it could have been the ultimate eff-you to his wife because he felt impotent about something in their relationship. I don't think in either case it's OP's fault. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:43 PM Flag
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ITA. If you get a chance, listen to the This American Life segment called "Testosterone." It will blow your mind. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:44 PM Flag
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People get laid when they want a piece of ass, they don't carry on a full on relationship when they are only lacking sex, from what I've seen. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:50 PM Flag
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I think a lot of men who mainly want sex "carry on" a "relationship" in order to get it b/c that's what it takes, given what women are like. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 04:07 PM Flag
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np: I get what you are saying. But all bets are off on some lazy asshole that chooses the babysitter. It's a destructive choice amongst bad choices. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:41 PM Flag
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Too true. I actually have a friend who made her marriage work after that, and she's a strong strong woman, but what a disgusting choice. I really don't think I could have stuck around with a guy who'd do that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:43 PM Flag
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BTDT. From my perspective I agree with start with a therapist immeidately, discuss with lawyer just to make sure you know legal issues and rights, DON'T make a decision now about divorce or even separation. Read "After the Affair" by Janis Spring to get more perspective on your very normal disoriented feelings. Tell kids nothing about it. Maybe pick one friend or relative whom you can absolutely trust to keep your confidence and to listen, and go out with her occasionally. Give yourself a couple of months to see how you feel, how he feels. I am sure without a doubt that he's goiing to see what an idiot he is (unless he is a true idiot) and beg to come back. Men have been known to stray once and not again. Even though it's hard for you to redevelop trust, people usually (I think I'm right) stay in marriages after affairs, so don't feel bad if that's your choice, and you feel he's truly repentent and shocked himself at what he's done. (This may take time.) Good luck. As folks have said, this is NO reflection on you. It is his problem, and right now he has a big one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:19 PM Flag
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He didn't have a one night stand, he's had an ongoing relationship. It sounds like the husband wants to be with the 21 year old babysitter, regardless of how silly that really is. If he had a oe night stand I think it might be different, he has full blown relationship, and I'm sure the kids already sense something betwen the husband and the babysitter. When people are in the lust state they have a hard time controlling themselves in front of people. I'm sure a lot of people know. You think a 21 year old can keep her mouth shut! Please! Time to get a divorce! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:26 PM Flag
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I don't think it's as simple as anything-over-one-night automatically means a divorce. But maybe it's a good rule to follow. Have you been cheated on (that you know about?) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:39 PM Flag
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This is total b.s.: >> if you look back on the past year your marriage has proably been neglected and suffering and affairs are major symptoms of that<< [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:23 PM Flag
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^^This is usually the line that the affairees use -- blame it on the nonparticipating spouse. You didn't neglect anything; he got horny. Don't let anyone lay that trip on you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:25 PM Flag
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I posted that, MY husband cheated on me! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:35 PM Flag
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and you think it was caused by your neglecting the marriage? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:37 PM Flag
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I think I may have neglected and isolated my husband. He was wrong for cheating, but having this behind me for so long and having relationships after, I realize there was more to our marriage crumbling then just his affair, I take some responsiblility. Did it suck when it was happening,YES, did I pray he'd get hit by a truck, YES, but eventually when I could get past the anger and stop being a victim it let me move on and take some valuable lessons to the next relationship. That's all I am saying, of course it's not her fault, nor does she deserve this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:44 PM Flag
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I wonder how many times DWs would divorce if they could be fairly sure that like you they'd have a "next" relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:46 PM Flag
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At the time you don't think you'll ever be able to love and trust again, so I think that aspect is very scary, but most people I know do find a "next" relationship, even people I thought would never meet anyone did. There is a lid for every pot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:53 PM Flag
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ita - when my dh cheated, our marriage was solid i thought, we just had twin boys and we were very happy - obviously we had a little less time on our relationship bc we had premie twins to care for, but we still had time for each other and did have sex - though not as mch as we did before the kids were born- it was all normal in my opinion [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:36 PM Flag
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Right. Was it a work-related affair? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:42 PM Flag
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yes, dh was a part-time personal trainer in addition to working in real estate - he had an affair with a young girl he was training [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:53 PM Flag
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Don't call me a FAIRY. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:45 PM Flag
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har har?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:48 PM Flag
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very funny...this is heavy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:58 PM Flag
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i was "the other woman" once when i was younger - i was 20 years old and had an affair with a 42 year old man with 5 kids and a wife of 21 years. he told me he was leaving his wife and we would travel the world together, he told me he was in love with me, i was pregnant with his child but miscarried and he told me we would try again bc he wanted to have a baseball team of kids with me, at 20 years old i was so naive, i didn't even think about his wife and kids bc he told me they were getting divorced. after our affair ended and i grew older, i realized i was just there for him to ave sex with. men are disgusting and i am still disgusted by myself doing that to another woman, one with kids, now that i have a family of my own and a husband i couldnt imagine losing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 02:57 PM Flag
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Thanks for giving the affair partner's point of view. I guess here she and not-so-D H were sort of playing 'house with his kids. OP, has any of this helped you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 03:08 PM Flag
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no one knew i was seeing a married man - i kept it secret - when he and i were over, i completely broke down, i stayed in bed, i cried, he sucked the life out of me and no one knew what was going on for the longest time, i finally told a good friend of mine and she made me go see a therapist and it saved me [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 05:43 PM Flag
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Well, it happens. You learned your lesson the hard way. No one is immune to a cheating spouse, I don't care what anyone says or how grrat their spouse is, you and me included! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 03:08 PM Flag
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For your emotional pain, I highly recommend getting "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. I bet you can purchase it through itunes as an audiobook. Her husband left her for another woman and she became a buddhist monk. (Not suggesting you do the same...) I am sorry, I am certain you are in a great deal of pain! You WILL make it through this! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 04:39 PM Flag
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What do not kill you will make you strong! and this my friend shall make you stronger, from what you wrote you seems like a strong person not only strong for your self but for your kids. Please be true to your self, the only choice you have is to either STAY/LEAVE, but remember you and only you, have to live with your decision, the question is, can you live with your decision? and if you can then the only therapist you need is god and your self. I think you should start your own therapy sessions by speaking to him, words sometimes hit harder than a fist and sometimes all we need is a little conversation so talk to him you never know, you might feel better. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 05:07 PM Flag
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OP -- come back tomorrow and tell us how you're doing, ok? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 05:08 PM Flag
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i will thank you all so much, i am going to talk to him tonight, he is coming over at 9 and i am nervous [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 05:44 PM Flag
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i am so sorry. i have a friend that is in the middle of an affair that has lasted 4 years. they are both married. he has 2 kids, she has a baby. they've cooled it off since she had the baby (which is definitely her husbands). sad thing is, she feels they are both very unhappy with their marriages and truly love each other but will never be able to be together. they figure they should take what they can get and it is better to have the affair then destroy the home lives of their kids. sometimes i think that is smart of her, sometimes i think it's delusional. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.28.08, 05:49 PM Flag
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Best of luck to you. I don't know if you are religious or believe in Karma, but he will lose more in the end than you do, although it's hard to see that now with 3 young dc's. There are too many men doing this b/c society deems it o.k. - they really don't get punished by the legal system, and aren't ostracized by their friends. Sometimes I yearn for the days when flogging and hanging were in fashion . . . [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.04.08, 04:41 PM Flag
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np: you may want to see a divorce lawyer even if you don't want to get divorced, so you understand the "rules" of this ugly process, and what influences custody and financial decisions by the court. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.04.08, 04:46 PM Flag
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