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06.27.08, 10:20 AM General Topics
96 replies
My 5.5yo son called himself a sissy the other day. He said he had read the word in a book and it described him because he preferred "girl-stuff" like reading, writing, drawing, etc. And he didn't enjoy playing catch or any of the other things boys do. How would you folks have handled this? (I pointed out that dad doesn't play sports like that. And that those "rules" about what a boy does versus what a "girl" does are old fashioned and pretty silly. I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas/thoughts I missed.) [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.27.08, 10:20 AM Flag
 

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I would have told him it's perfectly OK to be gay. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:23 AM Flag
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I'm not uncomfortable with him being gay but at this age, I don't think that is what this is about. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:25 AM Flag
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Of course it is. I'm a gay man, and I knew I was gay before kindergarten. There isn't a single gay man I know who didn't also feel the same way. Embrace it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:27 AM Flag
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ITDA! Just because he doesn't like sports doesn't equate gay. sorry. I doubt you are a gay man because none of my gay friends would agree with your statement [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:28 AM Flag
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Ask them. Don't speak for them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:29 AM Flag
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I don't. I know they would disagree with this because we've discussed it. There are plenty of straight guys who don't like sports. I am shocked at how narrow-minded you are! you have some pretty rigid roles yourself! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:31 AM Flag
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Really. You've discussed this very specific posting with all of your gay friends in just the 4 minutes it's been online? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:33 AM Flag
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np you think she hasn't talked to her friends about this? She said it happened the other day [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:35 AM Flag
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No in the past. we have covered a wide variety of topics. I also have a DS but none of the straight men in my life like sports. They had wished they had had this growing up [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:35 AM Flag
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np: he may or may not be gay, but liking to read and draw more than play catch does not indicate that one way or the other. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:29 AM Flag
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It's a pretty strong indication. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:30 AM Flag
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np you are full of it. And I doubt you are a gay man. Plenty of stright guys either never like sports etc or go through a pahase as a child where they don't. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:31 AM Flag
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ITA! saying a 5 yo child is gay based on what he does in his free time is assigning adult sex role. Not good [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:33 AM Flag
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yep - this is just as bad as the opposite "narrow minded" way. Anything that pigeon holes someone is bad IMHO [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:35 AM Flag
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Homo- or heterosexuality is not "assigning a sex role". It's a sexual orientation determined at conception. It has nothing to do with the actual sex act. It's there whether you act on it or not. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:36 AM Flag
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true - but making assumptions about a persons orientation based on what they like or dislike doing - sports, art, etc - is ridiculous. There are plenty of people gay and straight who defy stereotypes [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:37 AM Flag
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But the vast majority of gay men I know (and we're talking in the hundreds here) all started out the same way as this young boy. It's a VERY strong indicator. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:38 AM Flag
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I don't agree. Would you then argue that girls who like sports are lesbian? You are using social constructions of gender to explain sexual orientation, which I don't agree with. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:40 AM Flag
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I don't know hundreds, but I know quite a few and some of them were like this and some were. I also have a very staright BIL who was a "sissy" as a child. I will concede that it can possibly, sometimes be an indicator, but you are stating your case way too strongly [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:41 AM Flag
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How do you know your BIL isn't really gay? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:43 AM Flag
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LOL! Well, he has dated lot's of women in the past and is now married with 3 kids. I guess he could have been lying to himself all these years, but he seems pretty happy and well adjusted. I could ask you how you know you aren't really straight? It's all kind of subjective isn't it? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:45 AM Flag
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We really only know ourselves. I know I'm gay. You know YOUR sexuality. But it's impossible to REALLY know what's going on in someone else's head. I say this only because I have sex with plenty of married men, so being married doesn't automatically mean they're not gay. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:47 AM Flag
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also true but I think most guys who are conflicted about their sexuality seem in some way unhappy - many are very homophobic. BIL seems really normal and happy and unconflicted. ANything is possible but I highly doubt he is gay [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:50 AM Flag
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Well, you certainly know him better than I do. But I assure you that I don't screw unhappy and conflicted men. They are all "normal" (whatever that means) and "happy". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:52 AM Flag
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right - because happy, unconflicted men cheat on their wives with gay men. Sorry but I don't think so. Cheating and lying automatically shows some sort of conflict and lack of personal responsibilty IMHO. You ought to look at why you feel you don't deserve someone who will commit to you while you are at it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:54 AM Flag
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Well, I really don't care what you think. I understand that the notion would make you very insecure. But it's nothing you can do anything about, even if it's your own DH, so you really shouldn't sweat it. And I AM looking for a long-term commitment. But in the meantime, I need sex, and there are plenty of men who are willing to give it to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:57 AM Flag
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fine. But why do it with men who are otherwise committed? I would tell a girlfriend the same thing. It has nothing to do with me being insecure. I trust my DH. I know there are men out there who will do lot's of things. That doesn't mean it's a good idea - for your own mental health - to do it with them. Just something to think about. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:58 AM Flag
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I do it because they're hot, and there's a mutual attraction (especially if we're into the same "stuff"). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:04 AM Flag
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it is ok to just say you're a whore [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:05 AM Flag
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it's your life and your psyche, but maybe give it a thought once in awhile. The "right" one might come along just as you are playing around with the wrong one who has no intrest in anything beyond a night or 2. Just saying [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:05 AM Flag
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OK, you really don't understand how men have sex, do you? With men, it's not always about relationship building. With men, quite often, it's all about just getting off. Period. And yes, I'm a whore. ALL men are. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:07 AM Flag
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he says proudly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:08 AM Flag
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I do understand that men are different. I live with one! But - while you are off playing around, Mr Right could come along and maybe he isn't into whores. Maybe he wants someone with a little self control. Not all men are whores BTW. You have that biology working on you of course, but you also have something called self control. Think about it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:09 AM Flag
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Hon, we're ALL whores (including Mr. Right). The self-control comes into play when we actually make the commitment. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:10 AM Flag
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hon, it's not true. I guess we will have to disagree on this one but I hope you will at least think about the possibility for a minute - for your own sake. Self control can be a good thing for many many reason. Gotta go [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:12 AM Flag
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a different man: I am not a whore. I have never been a whore. I have never had sex with a woman who was not an important person in my life. Please don't speak for me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:11 AM Flag
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to the different man - ITA! You are like my DH (although he was a bit of a whore in his younger days! LOL!) I think all men have that biology but most are aware that they are in control of their behavior. Sleeping with married people is a bad idea no matter what gender you are [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:14 AM Flag
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OK bud. But you're straight. That's a self-limiter right there, because the people you want to have sex with are WOMEN, who have sex LIKE women (only with an eye on relationship-building), rather than having sex with like-minded men. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:14 AM Flag
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hey - just as all men aren't the same - all women aren't the same. For a gay person, you are really into stereotypes there [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:16 AM Flag
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assigning a sexual orientation at 5 based on free time pursuits isn't logical [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:37 AM Flag
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Of course it is. Your own homophobia is preventing you from accepting the truth. Sad. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:39 AM Flag
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np you are being ridiculous. The fact that she doesn't want to stereotype a child does not make her homophobic. If anything, you sound heterophobic [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:44 AM Flag
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I am not a homophobe at all. Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I am a homophobe, thank you. As I said, you are taking social constructions of gender and using it to explain homosexuality. I don't agree. Most queer theorists would agree. Read some Judith Butler and get back to me [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:44 AM Flag
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^^ Typo. Most queer theorists wouldn't agree with your logic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:45 AM Flag
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I doubt you've spoken with "most" queer theorists (whatever THOSE are). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:48 AM Flag
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I haven't spoken with them, but I have read them in graduate school. You actually might really enjoy them! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:50 AM Flag
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seriously, if your gay you might really enjoy reading them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:50 AM Flag
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^^ god, "you're" typo city. thanks for calling me a homophobe. you got me all pissed off! :-) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:51 AM Flag
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np: just curious to the gay man - are you a parent? how old are your children and how would you describe their sexual orientations? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 09:01 AM Flag
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so let me see, if you don't like baseball then you like to suck c*ck. I don't understand your logic here. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:26 AM Flag
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Let me ask you this, potty mouth. Were you a heterosexual girl at age 5? Did YOU suck c*ck? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:27 AM Flag
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Sorry but I don't sexualize children. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:29 AM Flag
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Neither do I. You're the one who suggested sucking c*ck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:30 AM Flag
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no, you said he was gay for not liking sports. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:31 AM Flag
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No, I said he was gay because he self-identified himself as a "sissy" for not only not liking sports, but preferring "girl stuff" AND not liking "any of the other things boys do". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:34 AM Flag
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He is a 5 yo child. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:39 AM Flag
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Point? I knew I was gay when I was a 4 year old child. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:40 AM Flag
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I am not touching this with a ten foot pole.. You clearly are mapping your history onto this young boy, which I think is unfair. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:42 AM Flag
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np ITA [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:42 AM Flag
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How is it unfair? It's the same "history" most of my gay friends share. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:44 AM Flag
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He is 5. He doesn't have a history yet. He is creating his. I would label or assign any rigid rules. Let him grow up and discover his sexuality when it is time. Most children are sexually defined at five. I am not discounting your experience but let him have his. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:48 AM Flag
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^^ should be "wouldn't label..." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:48 AM Flag
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I am letting him have his. But he's gay. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:49 AM Flag
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LOL! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:51 AM Flag
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well that's fine, but I would let him discover this on his own. I know plenty of straight men who would disagree with you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:53 AM Flag
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Of course they would. Plenty of straight men are homophobic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:54 AM Flag
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np we can have different opinions about this w/o being homophobic ya know. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:56 AM Flag
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Not really. Unless you're gay, you have no idea what the gay experience is really like, so your "opinion" isn't really as valid as mine. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:58 AM Flag
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oh lord. So now ww have to be soemthing to have an opinion about it? Have you ever been in the army? Then you can't have an opinion about the war. That makes just as much sense [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:00 AM Flag
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well I think it isn't fair to call a 5 yo gay or straight. You can have your gay experience. I support you, despite what you may feel. Just stop using social constructions of gender to assign sexuality to someone who doesn't have it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:03 AM Flag
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We all have sexuality at age 5. We have it at age 4, 3, 2, and 1 as well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:05 AM Flag
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no, that's why pediphiles aren't gay. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:07 AM Flag
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What the hell does pedophaelia have anything to do with this discussion? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:08 AM Flag
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children have no sexuality. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:09 AM Flag
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Yes they do. I did. I remember. I was there. So did my friends. Where were you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:11 AM Flag
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I wasn't molested. It sounds like you were. I was riding my bike and playing with stuffed animals. Not thinking about who I wanted to have sex with...because I wasn't really aware about that stuff. I am sad to hear you had a horrible childhood. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:14 AM Flag
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Neither was I. I guess the only difference between us is that I wasn't an uppity prude. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:15 AM Flag
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wow. you really don't know me at all. have fun cruisin' tonight! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:16 AM Flag
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good lord, you have terrible logic in your arguments! so if you are straight and don't like sports then you're also homophobic?! You need to read a logic book, my friend. Should I say that most of my gay friends were molested by men as children and that's why they assign sexual orientation to small children, because of their own pasts? No because correlations do not make causation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:57 AM Flag
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I hate the way children are presented with such rigid gender roles. I am lucky that neither my dad nor DH like sports or stereotypical boys stuff. just take comfort that your ds will be smart and possibly wealthy. sports are for boys who are so smart. :-) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:25 AM Flag
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talk about rigid roles. stereotype much? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:32 AM Flag
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take a joke much?! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:36 AM Flag
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I think you said exactly the right thing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:26 AM Flag
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My son's favorite color is pink, he loves dolls, reading, writing, drawing--and he is very sensitive. So what?! I think you handled it well. Get rid of that book! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:27 AM Flag
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Now that is a piece of advice I can take to heart. Thanks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:57 AM Flag
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^^OP, btw [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:59 AM Flag
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good for you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:03 AM Flag
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OP? did you expect this conversation when you posted your question?! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:05 AM Flag
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Hell no. I was really surprised it went down the orientation path. Because he reads and writes instead of playing football... at five. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:15 AM Flag
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OP: I got called away. Too bad. You folks had a heated discussion and I wish I had been able to be a part of it as it happened. I have to agree with the posters who say that this is not about my son's sexual orientation. Plenty of men are straight and not into sports. Just like there are plenty of gay athletes. I did not press him on which book because it was on the way to school and I was afraid it would turn into one of those, "Well, it wasn't really from a book. Johnny said it on the playground." It was the last full day of school and I didn't need to open that can of worms at that point. But as was said above, I will find out tonight what the "book" was because I don't really want that kind of perspective in my house. Thanks all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:09 AM Flag
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I was just about to post. I think you handled it fine. I would probably try to talk to him more and work on his confidence so he can feel good about who he is etc. Plenty of straight guys do not like sports etc. I'm married to an Artist so I know first hand. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:12 AM Flag
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That is a funny twist. He doesn't seem to lack for self confidence. He was very matter of fact about it even. It wasn't like, "I'm so embarrassed -- I'm a sissy." It was more like, "Hey, I'm brown haired, blue eyed, I have a cowlick, I'm a sissy and Oh yeah, I'm half Irish." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:59 AM Flag
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ITA with how you handled it. Sorry it turned into such a debate [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 11:16 AM Flag
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It was hard to let the debate just happen and not interject specifics about my boy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 12:03 PM Flag
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NP My dh said it was hard for him growing up b/c he was in to stuff like comic books and music and not sports, so he felt weird and like an outsider (until he got to college and got involved in the radio station, joined a band, etc). Plenty of men are not in sports, and are made to feel badly about it, too. So sad. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 09:05 AM Flag
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OP: I was surprised that the gay dad posted what he posted. Like the 5 yo boys who prefer to write or draw are all going to grow up to be gay. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.08, 09:19 AM Flag
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