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06.27.08, 05:39 AM General Topics
30 replies
Where did I go wrong? My DD is so shy and timid - I have failed to give her the confidence she needs to come out of her shell...I am completely overwhelmed - any advice? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.27.08, 05:39 AM Flag
 

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some kids are just like this. most grow out of it. fwiw, my dd was painfully shy for a long time and then suddenly it just switched. she's still cautious in new environments, but it's more of a desire she has to take her time with people. how old is your dd? don't be so fast to blame yourself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:41 AM Flag
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Just turned 3. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:44 AM Flag
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really. don't worry. 3yo is definite shy time. some kids are moreso than others, but most are very shy. best thing i think you can do is encourage her but don't push. also, is she in school? going to school brought dd out of her shell a lot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:46 AM Flag
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She will start preschool this August - I know she is going to freak out. As I have had a couple of oppotunities to see what happens when it is time for me to leave her side - namely a swimming lesson, kid only story time, gym classes..the list goes on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:51 AM Flag
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you might be surprised. dd always clung to me in classes etc, but she was pretty into school when she started. what always helped was bringing her to the school first, showing her around. explaining. and then she'd go in without much trouble. (Don't get me wrong, there was somet rouble, but it was ok). don't expect her to freak out. but perhaps do expect her to cling, make it hard for you. which is totally normal. then you leave and all is well. (did that make sense?) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:53 AM Flag
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So stay with her as long as she needs you to, til she feels comfortable; try not to feel embarrassed that she needs more help than the other kids...and if you do feel that way, give yourself a break -- this is natural -- but do it anyway for her sake. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:54 AM Flag
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yes. ask the teachers for tips on how to move away. i sat with dd for a bit. then sat in a chair at the back of the classroom. then gave her a kiss goodbye. stood by the door for a while and then left. the teachers play with them and get them involved in the classroom stuff. but i'm not sure it's the best thing to stay as long as "she" needs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:58 AM Flag
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ITA - take as long as she needs for separation and you're less likely to have problems later. Everyone told me with my ds it might go easier than I imagined and I didn't believe them but it only taook 5 days. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 06:00 AM Flag
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3years old? You need to get a grip, since you are probably reinforcing her behavior [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 06:04 AM Flag
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^^^by being so anxious about. Different kids have different personalities, so let her be who she is. Also, her personality is not written in stone, and she will likely change many times in the next decade. Just support her in whatever wonderful way she is, and stop thinking of it as negative. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 06:06 AM Flag
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I was like this and while I'm still shy underneath, I don't seem that way and have always had plenty of friends and social/professional success. Not to worry. One piece of advice: help her confront new people and situations AT HER OWN PACE without ever making her feel there's something wrong with her for being shy. Don't use the word "shy" in front of her; it quickly becomes a label. If she really needs help, there are social skills workshops that work with kids to teach them skills for entering group situations, etc. Also, shy kids are often highly empathetic, conscientious, sensitive (in the good sense of the word). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:48 AM Flag
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yes. totally agree. i'm also shy like that. don't seem it but I am. and some people are just like this. there's not really anything wrong with being "shy." but it is a label that's best to avoid. but your dd is still way too young to know one way or another. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:49 AM Flag
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OP: I know that her shyness is a reflection of her temperment and personality but when all the other kids are joining in the fun and she just cant seem to muster up the courage to join them I feel like a total failure. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:53 AM Flag
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you're not a failure. I'm telling you, dd was the same way for a long time. she's not liek that anymore. even so, if she is by nature the type who goes slowly and isn't immediately open to people, that's not necessarily a bad thing. i think, also, if you categorize her behavior as a failure on your part, she will pick that up and judge her own behavior as well. you end up putting a lot of pressure on yourself and on her. Fwiw, i found that dd was shy when I was around, but would play without trouble when i wasn't. Heard this from babysitters, teachers, etc. She'll be fine. You're not a failure. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:56 AM Flag
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np: it's not about you. You have to let go of the idea that people will see your dd hanging by you & think you're a bad parent. Just get over it. It's about her, her comfort level, respecting her temperment. She will pick up on your anxiety and it won't help at all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 06:27 AM Flag
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Another thing: shy kids are often quick to be kind to others, if given the chance. If you see your daughter going in this direction, praise/encourage her. I know a girl like this (now 7) and she's always winning Good Citizenship awards at her school and feeling proud of herself for it. Being kind and civic-minded has now become a central part of her identity and she's well-liked as a result. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:52 AM Flag
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OP:This is totally my DD - even now at just 3 years old she is always looking out for others..she jumps at the chance to get out of doing whatever is being asked of her in the name of helping someone else. EX: I took her to a gymnastics class and while she did agree to go in without me she did not participate in any of the activities yet when it was time to get in a line she gladly ushered people to get in front of her and made sure everyone had ehlp getting water [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:57 AM Flag
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Do you know any other kids who will be in her preschool class? Maybe you could set up a few playdates so she has a friend starting day 1. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 05:57 AM Flag
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This is a good idea. In general shy kids are more comfortable one-on-one than in large groups. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 06:01 AM Flag
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I'm curious how early on you knew that your dd was shy, and how you knew. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 06:02 AM Flag
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Well, we've always done things together but now that she is three there are many activites that she can do on her own..story time, gym classes, school...when my kid is the only one that cannot seem to muster up the courage to join in the fun - I assume it is shyness because she is a totally different kid when she is around the people she knows best. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 06:10 AM Flag
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extroversion /introversion is one of the most genetically determined of any of the traits, according to twin studies. Look it up if you don't believe. You did nothing to cause it (unless it came from your genes and not dh, lol). No big deal, just personality [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:01 AM Flag
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my dd was like this as well, i just made sure to have her participate in lots of events before she started kindergarten bc i didnt want her to be one of those kids that was msierable and crying - i signed her up for ballet class, brought her to the park to play with other kids, signed her up fr a siwm class at the town pool, really immersed her in group activity [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.27.08, 10:03 AM Flag
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My DD was the same way at 3. She's now 5 and much less shy. That said, she still has issues with separation anxiety. I deal with it by explaining that nothing she can ever do will change how much I love her and by giving her stickers if she's able to separate with just one hug and kiss. If there's another kid having trouble separating, I might ask DD to comfort that child (freeing her from me). Otherwise, I may enlist the teacher's help in distracting her (for example, by helping the teacher close the door or water the plant). All of this has done wonders, and I'm crossing fingers that she'll do well in September! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 05:56 PM Flag
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I like the book The Confident Child, Raising Children to Believe in Themselves by Teri Apter. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.08, 07:29 PM Flag
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my dd is 3.6, She is & always has been shy. I think she was even too shy to talk and was delayed with her speech. I have taken her out to many social events. It has changed since she started school & got to see the same kids on a regular basis. She adjusted well to school but I spent a great deal of effort prepping her with walks by, books, talking about school & all the fun. I recreated a schedule at home similar to schools in the weeks before. I too avoid the shy label. She is much better and now a motor mouth but still takes her time with strangers but is more outgoing with familiar also very sensitive. Always let her bring something from home to school. that seems to help. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.08, 05:37 AM Flag
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My daughter seemed to have become shy out of nowhere! Now, I realize that some kids just go through this. Yoga helped her a lot in gaining confidence. The whole phase seemed to last a few months (though it seemed like years to me!). Hang in there - it should pass, especially if she's starting preschool soon. But don't blame yourself!!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 06:17 AM Flag
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My oldest is VERY slow to warm, very quiet w/ new people and in public situations. I think you have to not freak out about it--it enforces to them that there is something "wrong" with who they are. Instead focusing on showing her your confidence that she can be on her own a little bit and focus on the things she does well. Don't label her shy--if people make a big deal about her clinging or being quiet stay breezy & just say "she needs a little more time to warm up, thanks." My DS is 6 now and doing so well. He refused to speak much in preschool--followed the rules beautifully, did the projects but would not talk to the teachers or in front of the kids. Because of that alone they said he shouldn't go to kinder. We sent him anyway and he did so well. Lots of friends, fine academically, the best behavior reports you can get, teacher adores him. He is still slow-to-warm but gaining confidence and growing up. Try not to stress. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 06:23 AM Flag
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he did absolutely fine. Made lots of friends, is very well-liked, fine academically, teacher adores him and great behavior reports. He is still quiet in some situations and I can see him observing things to figure them out first. It's fine. Things that have helped are giving him jobs to do or ways to help others, keeping goodbyes short and upbeat, taking time before bed to talk about anything that worries him. Most of all letting him see that I have confidence in him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 06:25 AM Flag
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You've gotten good advice here. Mainly, I'd work on seeing situations from her perspective, allowing her to express how *she* feels about things, seeing her unique gifts (what's so great about conformity, anyway?)-- don't label her, and try to resist your own fear-based reactions and projections into the future. SEE her for who she is now, respect her need to be in fewer group situations if that's truly her need, etc. She is, and will be, fine (were you shy? excessively conformist? may be interesting to turn your focus inward with these types of questions, if you are so inclined, and allow her to be herself). gl... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 09:00 AM Flag
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