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06.26.08, 06:38 AM General Topics
23 replies
I need help. This morning I hit my son. He's almost 3 and I have read all the nice parenting books. I do timeouts, take away toys he throws, try as hard as I can to stay calm and patient and discipline him rationally and calmly but I'm home full time with him and his 1 year old sister and we can't afford much babysitting. This morning I put him in his room for timeout after he burst into his sister's room while I was putting her down for her nap to scream at her, and in his room he took a special book his dad bought him and ripped it to shreds. I lost it. I screamed at him and he just stood there and screamed back at me so I picked him up and spanked him. It's not the first time. I used to work with children who'd been abused. I know all the info about spanking and discipline and offering choices but I am horrified at the rage I feel at sometimes. I don't want to do this. I've been wondering lately if my son is just at the very difficult end of normal (I think he is) because none of my friends have kids quite so defiant and violent. I know everyone will tell me I'm a horrible person and I feel that way already. Are there books I can read that will offer me more solutions than the normal timeouts and preventative discipline? I don't want to be like this and I don't know how to discipline my son effectively without yelling or worse. He doesn't watch TV so I can't take that away. Thanks. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.26.08, 06:38 AM Flag
 

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just relax and talk to him later. Sit him down and apologize. Explain to him that hitting isn't nice and mommy was wrong. Also tell him why you were upset with him. I have a 3 yr old (and an 8 yr old) and talks usually help after blow ups. GL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:39 AM Flag
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Get some counseling for yourself, now. You can overcome this, and will feel some amount of relief right away just talking about it to a professional. Ask a friend, your doctor, anyone, for a recommendation. I did, when my parenting got raggedy. It has helped SO much. Good luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:41 AM Flag
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i am in the same boat. i have spanked my dd 2x in the last month out of anger and frustration. i know it is wrong too, but i get so tired of being ignored. i don't think we are awful (although i too don't want to be this kind of parent). it is when i run out of "tools" that i lose my mind so i too need some solutions. you are not awful. think about all the parents who spank and think it is fine. i know how you feel though. i do not want to be that kind of parent even for a second. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:43 AM Flag
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Oh honey take a deep breath. Nothing is wrong with either of you. I took a great workshop when my son was that age (S.T.E.P. parenting - a very good experience) but mostly you need to try to rise above it. Think about what is crucial to insist on (safety) and let the rest go. This time will pass and it will get easier. Dont forget to praise him when he is doing something great (even playing quietly) and please get as much babysitting as you can - even if it means Ramen noodles for a while. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:43 AM Flag
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Did the spanking help? I grew up in a home where my parents spanked us (down South), and we learned fast! I'm not promoting it, but just wondering how he reacted. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:45 AM Flag
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I was wondering the same thing. I get that there might be a fine line between spanking and abuse, but I don't think the occasional spanking is abusive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:48 AM Flag
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op: yes, it helps in that it breaks the frenzied defiant behavior and he dissolves into tears and then wants hugs and says "I'm sorry" and we talk about what happened. I was spanked, too, but I remember how much it made me hate my father and I always swore to myself I'd never hit my kids no matter what... and here I am. When I worked with abused kids we always told parents "hitting works in that it stops the behavior but it doesn't work in terms of teaching the kids long term problem solving skills". Plus, of course, it teaches them that hitting is okay if you are bigger than the person you are hitting. See, I freaking know all this and still, I find myself doing it and feeling so terrible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:50 AM Flag
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Have you read "Happiest Toddler on the Block"? I went to Dr. Karp's lecture and it was azazing how you can stop a tantrum by empathizing with the kid and giving him full attention for a few seconds to stop the behavior immediately. I recommend the DVD so you can see the procedure being used. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:52 AM Flag
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It seems like the frenzied behavior needed to be stopped. The responder above is right about sitting him down when he is calm and talking to him about it. But don't put it all on you. He needs to hear what he did wrong. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:52 AM Flag
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This is a 3 year old, I dont think a conversation is going to be helpful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:55 AM Flag
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Not the first time, no. But the pattern over time might. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 08:05 AM Flag
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My parents hit me quite often and I didn't grow up thinking hitting was OK. So don't worry that the occasional spanking will send this horrific life long lesson about hitting. I empathize with you though, have a 3yo and 7mo, know all about the disruptive behaviour when trying to put baby down for nap. It can make anybody feel very crazy when that happens. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 07:00 AM Flag
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ITA. Assuming it was a spank and not abusive, I would have wanted to spank him, too, and I'm not a spanker (I'm a curser, which also sucks.) That was bad behavior. He probably deserved a spank. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 09:25 AM Flag
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I'll definitely get flamed for this, but if you step back and assess what is going on, what you did might be OK if it were done rationally and purely as discipline. It sounds, though, like it was at least partially done to release your own anger, which is not acceptable... when you're in a high emotional state like that, that's when you can go too far and really hurt a child. I think this is probably why, when we were kids, my mom would tell us that dad would spank us when he got home... he'd just be enforcing disipline whereas she would have been, at that moment, releasing anger. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 06:56 AM Flag
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Screw that counseling advice. You weren't abusing the child, you were disciplining. There is a huge difference. Try to let go of this idea that your child has to be your friend. You are the parent, you are the authority figure; there is acceptable behaviour and unacceptable behaviour in your home and you are enforcing it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 07:04 AM Flag
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ITA [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 09:31 AM Flag
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The problem is not the spanking, it's doing it impulsively and out of anger. The best advice I've ever heard about this is that the purpose of discipline is to correct and help the child behave, not to make the parent feel better. If you're doing it out of anger or to release emotion, you should not be doing it. If you are doing it out of reason, in a calm state of mind, as a rational considered punishment, that's different--as long as the spanking is controlled (e.g., never hitting with a closed hand, on the buttocks not in the face, etc.). It sounds like OP lost control and that is the danger sign--not the spanking itself [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 09:43 AM Flag
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I suggested counseling, not because I think she was abusive, but because of the way the situation made her feel. She did not sound on top of enforcing right vs. wrong. To me, she sounded stressed and upset. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 10:57 AM Flag
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I never understood the idea that if the kids are spanked they will learn it is ok to hit people smaller then them. I was spanked, but not very often, and most of the kids in my neighborhood were as well, and none of us thought that was ok. I agree that doing it in the heat of anger isn't a great thing for other reasons, but I seriously doubt you are bordering on abuse. Sometimes kids just don't listen unless you do something to shake them out of their meltdowns. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 07:05 AM Flag
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I am pg with 1st and have discussed this with DH. I was spanked every now and then as a child, and don't see it as an abusive act, however now that I am a mom to be, I keep asking myself if hitting (regardless of reason) sets a bad example - meaning there is no reason that one person should ever strike another (want DC to not even consider this is acceptable to do to peers if angry, etc.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 09:09 AM Flag
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I'm afraid we over-think this. We all want to be perfect and hitting is not perfect. Sometimes, however, I think it is the right tool. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 09:39 AM Flag
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I am not a regular spanker and I try everything in my book of tricks first, but sometimes it is really as if a child needs a whack on the bottom. It is almost cathartic for them inthat the issue has finally reached it's climax and it has been ended by mom or dad. I was spanked maybe two or three times in my life and am no worse for it and I also never have done it unless mychild did something that could really hurt him or his brother, but you should not beat yourself up. A spanking - in my mind - is not abuse. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 09:31 AM Flag
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you are not abusing your child! I agree it was wrong (as it was done out of frustration and lack of control), but you are aware. What I would advise is when you feel you are losing control, take a time out for yourself -- just tell ds you are very upset and need a time out to relax and think, and just sit and collect yourself. It sounds silly but it really helps (me, anyway). I haven't spanked my child, but he is on the easy side of normal (3yo), and I lose it sometimes in terms of yelling, which I am working on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.26.08, 09:52 AM Flag
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