< Return to Talk
06.25.08, 11:26 AM General Topics
60 replies
Question for adoptive moms: A single friend of mine has just begun the process for adopting internationally. A bunch of us want to throw her a shower, but now are wondering if we should donate cash toward the cost of the adoption instead of giving gifts (she has said that money is tight). If you adopted, would this offend you or would you appreciate the money? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:26 AM Flag
 

Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can email us at urbanbaby-support@cbsinteractive.com.

Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

»
why don't you ask her what she would like or maybe a combo of both. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:27 AM Flag
»
We want it to be a surprise. We'll ask her if it comes down to it, but I'd rather surprise her if we could. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:30 AM Flag
»
I think I would appreciate the "bring xx home fund" created by my friends. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:28 AM Flag
»
how much money do you think you could pull together? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:33 AM Flag
»
Not a ton--maybe $1,000-2,000. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:35 AM Flag
»
I don't think that 1 or 2 k is that significant. i would go with the shower and lots of presents. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:39 AM Flag
»
[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:42 AM Flag
»
If she's having to put out thousands of dollars in order to "bring home her child" sooner, then there is something wrong with her adoption, and she is basically buying a child. This sounds fishy to me (I'm the one whose sister has adopted 3 times) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:45 AM Flag
»
Oh shut up! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:47 AM Flag
»
I'm sorry, but this just doesn't sound like a good situation [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:48 AM Flag
»
you don't know squat about the situation, you are simply debbie downer. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:50 AM Flag
»
No, I don't know about this situation, but from what the OP has written it does not sound good. I have been very close to several adoptions and I know what the process is, I'm not being debbie downer, I'm just being realistic [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:53 AM Flag
»
then you know it is expensive to adopt... she didn't say it was to bring them home sooner. Most international adoptions cost at least 15k [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 01:02 PM Flag
»
OP: I don't actually know how the process works so maybe I'm wrong. She just said she was going to have to spend the next year being as frugal as possible. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:48 AM Flag
»
np: if money is tight for them 1-2K is significant. that would buy place tickets for them. I think OP should ask her friend what she wants. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:45 AM Flag
»
are you asking me or the OP? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:35 AM Flag
»
after she has gone through the (expensive) process, it will be nice to have gifts to welcome dc home. The process can take a really long time and having a party for her at the end of the rainbow will be wonderful. But I wouldn't do anything until DC is legally hers. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:33 AM Flag
»
We would do the gifts after regardless....but they would be less expensive than if we didn't also give money beforehand. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:34 AM Flag
»
do the gifts...it woudl sort of be like paying for some one to give birth, IMHO [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:35 AM Flag
»
I think giving her money to help her buy a baby (this is basically the way you're making it sound) is just wrong. if you and your friends want to organize a fund to purchase things for the baby (crib, stroller, etc) and maybe make a plan to decorate the nursery, that is great [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:37 AM Flag
»
OP: Of course this is my fear, but she's not buying a baby--she's just paying the exorbitant fees involved in adoption. It seems like helping her with those is more meaningful than a lot of fluff. Also, she's adopting an older child so it's not as straightforward what she will need. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:39 AM Flag
»
she'll need a lot of stuff then, too.....books, clothes, toys....it doesn't get cheaper.... [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:40 AM Flag
»
I say give the money. Its fine. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:41 AM Flag
»
Ask her what things she will need for the child (what age, just wondering, my sister has adopted 3 kids), and then offer to help supply those [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:41 AM Flag
»
She's a 3 yo girl (although there's some discrepancy about her birthdate). She's sort of reluctant to get things before hand because she wants to see what the girl's personality is like. She'll get a lot of basic stuff--a bed, clothing, etc.--as hand me downs from her family. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:45 AM Flag
»
What country is she adopting from? This all sounds a little fishy to me [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:46 AM Flag
»
OP: Haiti--it's a legit adoption agency and friend is a social worker so I doubt it's fishy--maybe I'm just misunderstanding how it works. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:49 AM Flag
»
Ok, it just does not sound legit from what you've posted, and I know a lot about adoption at this point. Don't give her cash, that is tacky, but a gift card to someplace like Macy's (clothes, bedding etc) or more general AmEx is fine [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:51 AM Flag
»
semantics - an am ex gift card is cash - and A WONDERFUL IDEA OP [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:53 AM Flag
»
WHY is it such a great idea? Here, you adopted a kid, have a bunch of money? Why don't we do that for people who give birth as well? Or maybe you do? tacky, imo [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:54 AM Flag
»
OP: I don't want her to feel like we're highlighting the adoptive process as different from the biological process, but I also think it's naive to pretend the costs are the same. International adoption is a lot more expensive than a typical biological birth (with insurance). [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:56 AM Flag
»
but she's adopting a 3yo, so there go 3 years of things she doesn't have to worry about paying for! (bright side...) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:56 AM Flag
»
hey, we adopted and this is what I we told ourselves. 2 years of daycare = adoption costs. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:58 AM Flag
»
OP: Well, a 3 yo who has lived her entire life in poverty and who is a "waiting child" which means there's probably a health issue of some kind. I don't think that's a realistic bright side. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:59 AM Flag
»
because she is a single mom who has expressed a finacial belt tightening is necessary. That's why. You pay attention to what people say and if you want to help them, you help them. Are you jealous that you pushed and no one gave you cash? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:57 AM Flag
»
No, I would have been offended getting cash from my friends. And I am a single mom as well, tyvm [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:58 AM Flag
»
and you probably didn't share with your friends when you were single and giving birth alone that money was tight. Funny thing, people are all differnent. they all don't like you or appreciate the same things. Did you use a sperm donor? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 12:00 PM Flag
»
No, I got pg at age 20 from a date rape [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 12:03 PM Flag
»
Insurance pays the lions share of a biological birth. Is this a hard concept for you? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:58 AM Flag
»
not for people who don't have insurance [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 12:00 PM Flag
»
yes, for people who don't have insurance and can't afford to pay - its called medicaid. and then you get NYChildcarePlus [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 12:02 PM Flag
»
My work gave me a shower and presented with a large giftcard to BBB. This was very much appreciated and I was able to get a large ticket item with it. Maybe you could do that? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:38 AM Flag
»
She's adopting an older child, so I'm not sure a place like BBB is the best place...that's part of why this is so complicated. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:40 AM Flag
»
Then ASK her what she will need [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:42 AM Flag
»
But that's the thing...she doesn't really know (beyond the basics, which she'll get as hand-me downs). She has seen pictures of the child, but hasn't met her yet. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:43 AM Flag
»
How old is this child? If you have kids, or know anyone with kids, you'll know what is important. Books, toys, clothes, bedding, etc. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:44 AM Flag
»
As posted above, she's a 3 yo girl, but her birthdate isn't entirely clear. My friend will get basic stuff--bed, bedding, generic toys, books--as hand me downs from her family (she has a lot of nieces and nephews). [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:47 AM Flag
»
OR here: so then I would present her with an AmEx gift card. Tell her you didn't know what she would need and wanted to let her pick things out for herself. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:49 AM Flag
»
don't think she's adopting a baby. nice thought tho. i would still say gifts and party over cash. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:40 AM Flag
»
I completed an international adoption recently. You could either chip in to an Amex gift card or someplace like Target (I agree BBB might not be that necessary if she is bringing home a toddler.) I had an older child, so already had a lot of things, but have still appreciated the hand me downs from a friend who had used the stuff more recently. When you start out with a toddler, a brand new stroller etc isn't as important to me, I know I will use some of these things a short time. Also, when she is closer to travelling, if anyone can help her out with hotel points that would be great (airline pts harder to use on short notice.) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:48 AM Flag
»
not everyone travels to get their adopted dc, remember that. Find out if she plans to, and then give points/tickets accordingly [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:50 AM Flag
»
that is true. I'm not sure about Haiti (I think you do travel). But even chipping in for a car service from the airport (with a car seat) or meeting her at the airport would be a nice gesture, and money-saving (we ended up spending quite a bit on that) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:52 AM Flag
»
traveling anywhere is a personal choice and also depends on the situation [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:53 AM Flag
»
to my knowledge only Korea and Ethiopia currently send dc home with escorts. most people have to travel, some more than 1x [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:56 AM Flag
»
My friend adopted from China and her dc was brought to her (this was in Jan) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:57 AM Flag
»
OP: As noted elsewhere, in this case, she will be traveling to Haiti to pick up her daughter. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 12:00 PM Flag
»
OP: She will travel to pick up DD in this case. This is a good idea. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 11:53 AM Flag
»
OP: Thanks all. I have to get back to work. I'm still leaning towards asking her what she'd like and offering to donate $$$. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 12:02 PM Flag
»
We adopted a 2 1/2 year old internationally last year -- I would suggest you throw her a shower where everyone brings a book or two or small toy AND you all chip in for a Target GC. She's about to become a mom (her first child?) so she needs to be spoiled by a big party and have a chance to open presents. We have biological kids and then adopted and I could never tell if the lack of enthusiasm compared to #1 and #2 was because he was adopted or because he was #3. So I always say -- SHOWER THE MOM!!! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.25.08, 07:12 PM Flag
»
My daughter was adopted and I loved our shower (it made me feel like people were as excited about the adoption as we were). The money can be tough, but it won't help her bring the child home any quicker. A three year old girl will need clothes, books, bedding, toys, and all kinds of other goodies. Ask your friend if she'd be comfortable having a shower and then just let guests know the situation and what she might need. If she'd rather wait until the child is home with her, then wait until then. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 06.26.08, 01:02 PM Flag
Refresh » New Post »
Select Category
close [X]

close [X]

Select a Category (only 1)

category
Stages
Regions