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06.24.08, 11:22 AM General Topics
16 replies
Need advice regarding DH... he is incredibly sweet and loving to me except when he gets stressed by work and then he takes it out on me. I basically do everything I can to please him (giving him space when he needs it, giving him backrubs when he needs them, making dinner, etc), and he's appreciative and appologitic when he's feeling better. However, whenever I'm stressed or upset he gets upset with me and doesn't do anything to help... Why the double standard, and how can I work to change it? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.24.08, 11:22 AM Flag
 

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have you pointed this out to him? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:23 AM Flag
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I have tried, but I think I have bad timing because it usually bothers me when I'm already stressed and then he gets upset which makes me more upset... and I hate to bring it up when we're both happy to make us both upset [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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i understand, but you have to risk raising it when you aren't already upset and can be a bit more reasonable. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:26 AM Flag
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Do you tell him that you are upset and need him to help you out. My dh needs things spelling out then he is helpful. If I'm just upset and don't say anything about why he finds it annoying. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:25 AM Flag
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Good point. I usually try to get him to help (i.e, i've had a really long day and would love for him to make dinner, but I mention it once, he doesn't do it, so I make dinner and then get more upset because he doesn't offer to help) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:26 AM Flag
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I think you need to be clear with him i.e 'can you peel the veg, set the table'. I was totally stressed out the other night and my dh came into the kitchen and said what are you doing. I said 'my least favorite job unloading the dishwasher and I'm shattered.' His response was ok and he walked out of the kitchen I couldn't get angry because I know if I said can you help me with this he would. I can't expect him to read my mind. Maybe your dh is similar. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:31 AM Flag
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true. That is our sort of situation, although I know its partly my fault becasue I tend to shoulder more of my burden than necessary. But he's also always too busy to do things that he SHOULD do, like clean up his clothes in the closet, and I keep reminding him but he doesn't because he has to run to work, etc [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:33 AM Flag
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I actually think we might be married to the same man! I just leave his mess for him to deal with and keep everything else tidy. I don't tell him to tidy up but I do say 'I don't like having to look at your clothes on the floor' etc [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:36 AM Flag
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lol, probably. I know his work is stressful but there are some things I don't feel it is my job to do, which include cleaning up clothes he leaves on the floor... I am happy to do the laundry, etc., but its the things he just dumps after wearing that gets me! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:37 AM Flag
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Ok. I think as both our husbands are exactly the same (and I know many of my friends have the same issues) then it has to be 'normal' and we probably just have to put up with it. GL :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:42 AM Flag
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Yeah, I'm sure it is totally normal. I guess I'd just love to have him want to pitch in a bit more... but I'll take what I can get (he is exceptionally good about cleaning the kitchen after I've cooked a big meal. Of course, he doesn't clean it until the next morning, but still...) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:43 AM Flag
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Ita. My Dh gets the same way when it comes to work. When I explain how I feel and suggest that he needs to learn to control his stress, he is very apologetic and tries his best to be better during those times. I also try to remember that it's the stress and not me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:29 AM Flag
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I'm hearing control issues here...especially the part about taking it out on you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:29 AM Flag
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can you elaborate on what you mean by control issues? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:30 AM Flag
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blaming those situations on you is a textbook symptom of contolling men, angry men, and verbal abusers...another trait is being overly obsequious and appreciative at other times. I have one myself so I am learning a lot about this through therapy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:33 AM Flag
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he never blames his work situations on me, nor is he overly appreciative - he apologizes for being stressed and is grateful that I understand it is work and not about me. He's never come near to being angry or verbal abuse. Sorry you're in a really bad sit though [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 11:34 AM Flag
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