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06.24.08, 06:20 AM General Topics
45 replies
My dh should have never gotten married or had dcs. There, vent over! [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.24.08, 06:20 AM Flag
 

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does he know you feel that way? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:21 AM Flag
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He knows that i am disappointed in him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:22 AM Flag
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np that must be really fun for him to live with [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:23 AM Flag
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Fun for him? lol. I am supposed to just sit and not say anything? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:26 AM Flag
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np there are different ways of expressing disappointment. i don't know how you dit. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:27 AM Flag
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We discussed it in marriage counseling. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:28 AM Flag
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it's good you're in counseling. that's a big step. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:28 AM Flag
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of course not but there are constructive and destructive ways of dealing with it. It sounds like you are taking the destructive route if he "knows you are disapointed". Try the other way and maybe it will motivate him to change. Praise any little thing he does well. People respond to that [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:28 AM Flag
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np.. may i just say that it's hard to know how op presented things to her dh. here it's a vent. she may just want one place to say things in whatever way she wants. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:29 AM Flag
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very true. Just going by her tone [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:30 AM Flag
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i think many of us say things here in ways we woudln't in real life. that said, i think our personal/private/UBonly dialogue is also worthy of revamping. if you believe something it becomes true. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:33 AM Flag
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ITA. That's what I'm trying to tell OP. Thanks [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:35 AM Flag
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but i think your way of telling her things isn't terribly productive. it's funny. you're telling her to lighten up and stop treating her dh in certain ways. you tell her that he's more likely to listen to her and etc if she did that... and yet you don't seem to be doing exactly what you advice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:37 AM Flag
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meh. It's UB. I can be snarky and someone else can be nice and say the same thing. Maybe one of us will get through to her ;-) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:39 AM Flag
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yes. you can. i didn't say you couldn't. jus tmade an observation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:39 AM Flag
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np is an angry, scorned woman [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:39 AM Flag
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np here.. and chuckling out loud. you slay me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:40 AM Flag
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;-) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:41 AM Flag
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Listen, i have tried everything and i think he led me to believe that he was something different than he was. Plain and simple [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:29 AM Flag
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so it's all his fault. I'm sure you are a bowl of cherries to live with. Lighten up. Stop blaming him. Work on yourself and give him positive feedback. I guarantee things will improve. You chose him. You must have seen something good in him. Now you have DCs with him. You owe it to them to make life pleasant for all of you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:31 AM Flag
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You have no idea how i am. I am very happy and calm. I am frustrated about my dh. Stop projecting your issues on to me. All parts of my life are great except for dh. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:33 AM Flag
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rrriiiiiight. Sorry but I don't believe you. My life is fine. My DH is not perfect and neither am I but we work together on things. One partner is almost never entirely to blame. Obviously I don't know you but your tone on this post sounds victimish (yes I made that word up) and blaming. If my DH had that attitude, I would probably be lazy and unmotivated too. Just sayin [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:35 AM Flag
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np from above... what is your point in starting a back and forth with OP on this level? if you don't believe her or want to blame her, fine. but ask yourself why you feel the need to make her believe it as well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:36 AM Flag
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Because np is probably nasty to her dh! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:38 AM Flag
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np or op? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:39 AM Flag
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LOL! I have no agenda here except to try and get her to see that this may not be entirely DH's fault. I can't stand people who blame others for their unhappiness. I'm trying - in my UB snarky way - to help her [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:38 AM Flag
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and i'm sure you've been a great help. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:39 AM Flag
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I live to serve [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:41 AM Flag
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See below!!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:37 AM Flag
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np i think this is a bit simplistic. sometimes relationships end. that said, op, i think it is always both parties who are responsible for the state of the relationship. you can't do anything to change him. you can only focus on yourself. many times, if you do that, your partner will change too. many times not. but it does sound like your focus is more about him changing. and that is not a realistic relationshp goal for you to have. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:35 AM Flag
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Has he changed from the man you married or was he never good husband material? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:24 AM Flag
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H has definitely changed. He is lazy, impatient and very conditional with his love. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:25 AM Flag
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just fyi, my dh seems to get worse when he knows i'm disappointed in him. it's like he's trying to live down to expectations. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:24 AM Flag
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i find that when i hear stuff like this from my friends, it's really easy to look outward at what your partner is doing wrong. for the sake of your marriage, what do you think YOU might be doing that might have caused this shift in the man you married? maybe you complain about being disappointed too much? maybe he is having a difficult time expressing how he feels so he acts out. not saying this is your fault, but it's always good to take stock of the fingers pointing back at yourself when pointing a finger at someone else (i stole that from Bob Marley :)) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:32 AM Flag
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np ITA well said [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:33 AM Flag
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For starters, I was the yes, yes type. Then he hid finances from me, became verbally abusive, had an emotional affair, doesn't spend much time with the dcs, doesn't want me to work, have friends, or go anywhere. Hmmm....not the man i married [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:36 AM Flag
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np that is different. what you are talking about here is a toxic situation for you. not just run of the mill he's not around etc marriage stuff. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:38 AM Flag
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op- I was trying to vent because this stuff is exhausting for me and i try not to let it get to me and dcs. Now i am being told on here how this is my fault [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:40 AM Flag
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i hear you. this generally isn't the best place for marriage venting. you never know who's responding or why. i'd take what's said with a grain of salt (for good or bad, you know?). but if you're in therapy, that's the best you can do. try to work these things out. maybe find a real support group of whatever kind who can really hear you out without finding blame (on any party) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:42 AM Flag
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ignore them. do what you need to do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:42 AM Flag
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yep. well said. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:43 AM Flag
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lol. all this advice is worth exactly what you're paying for it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:45 AM Flag
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OR from above. I'm not saying it's all your fault. I'm saying you have to look at your role in this. What you just posted about the emo affair etc is very different from how this all started. I inferred you were just bored or something. If he really is abusive etc I will retract what I said. Get out. Don't sit here complaining and don't work on it. If it's that bad you owe it to your dcs to get them into a healthy situation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 06:43 AM Flag
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Ignore the neg responses. I can totally relate, you could be me talking. Very happy elsewhere, try to make the best of it, but very difficult to live with him and not be down about it. (We are also in therapy, imo, not working all that well...). Very diff than when we married, only sees the neg in every situation. always irritated, no patience. We barely speak or spend time together... so sad. Let me know if you come up with a solution! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.24.08, 10:26 AM Flag
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This might not be helpful in this situation, but when i 1st started dating dh our relationship was relly rocky (really close/awesome, then a huge fight). I wanted to know if it was more good or more bad, so I started secretly rating each day (from -10 to 10) and keeping a running average. If the average went over 0, it was more good than bad. But I figured that was biased, so I rated my behavior too, in case he was reacting to something I did originally. This caused me to be a better person (b/c I wanted to be able to rate myself high for the day) and then I saw that his ratings tracked mine, if I was great, he was too, and the good interactions would build off each other. A lot cheaper than counseling, but of course totally different situation. If the guy doesn't respond to you being a nice person, thats different. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.25.08, 09:17 AM Flag
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