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06.23.08, 18:37 PM General Topics
28 replies
I want to stop yelling at my 6 year old. He doesn't listen, particularly in public. He thinks every request/order from me is an opportunity to "debate" with me on its merits. Today, we were at Staples, and I had walked out with my youngest who was in a stroller and my 6 year old was right behind me. But he turned back to return to the store so he could "find Dad" (my husband had stayed in to find his sunglasses which he's misplaced in the store). I said to my 6 year old "No, you come here right now please". Then the stroller started rolling down the sidewalk (I had let go of it to talk to my eldest) and as it started rolling I said "L, come here RIGHT now!" and he kept screaming that he was going back inside. So I ran towards him, grabbed his arm too strongly and said "When I ask you to come, you must COME! Especially in a public place blah blah blah". I grabbed my stroller, which hadn't rolled but a couple of feet in the end, and I said "for this, you get no t.v. tonight" (which I admit was too strong a reaction) and he started wailing and crying huge tears. Now, I do this too often. I over react and shout when I shouldn't, I allow him to push my buttons. I am weaning off anti-depressants after 15 years, and am doing great, except for this anger issue which really comes on suddenly--like it's hard to control myself. I am journaling, and very aware of what's happening, but I really hate taking it out on my oldest. He is VERY verbal, argumentative, funny, and generally a very loveable kid, but MAN, he thinks EVERY SINGLE THING is up for debate. Any help/books/sites/ideas? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.23.08, 06:37 PM Flag
 

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Gotta say, I dont think you overreacted. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:38 PM Flag
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really? I really shouted at him...like "it's totally NOT OKAY to not listen to me in public"...I mean, I do this once a day!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:41 PM Flag
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Well I am no expert. I lose my temper with 6 yo son too (and I take antidepressants and I would be arrested for child abuse if I didn't) I don't think you are teaching him anything by yelling of course but when you are frustrated and fighting for control that is a natural by product [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:42 PM Flag
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Book- Scream Free Parenting, Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child. Advice - MAJOR consequences you can deliver on for this behavior and you can NEVER cave. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:42 PM Flag
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i am reading scream free parenting--really like it. thanks. But seriosuly, should i give him MAJOR CONSEQUENCES for back talk/debate/not shutting the F up when he should? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:44 PM Flag
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OR: Of course you should! If not now when will you teach him the consequences? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:44 PM Flag
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right, but what kind of consequences-he didn't hit someone--he didn't do as I asked, but it wasn't like cursing or something. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:47 PM Flag
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If you want him to listen you need to stand your ground. Obviously you don't want to hear what we have to say. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:52 PM Flag
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I absolutely do. But you're saying backtalk deserves as big a punishment as say, smacking a sibling hard on the head. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:53 PM Flag
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Maybe it does. Clearly your son gets away with it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:53 PM Flag
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Maybe you need to set up rules ahead of time. Have a conversation and say, you don't listen to me, you argue constantly. Here's the consequence if you don't listen in the future: loss of Saturday morning tv, loss of allowance, loss of other privilege he values. Make a chart - keep track of it. etc. We've found this useful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:57 PM Flag
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hi-just talked with my dh about this, and we decided to do a good behavior chart--every time he does something good, like listening in public, sharing with his brother, clearing his plate, he gets a star. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 07:10 PM Flag
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he doesn't get away with it. I am clear, firm, about the expectations. but my "no movie night tonight" was an off the cuff punishment that came out of my desire to hurt him, because he values movie night above all else. It wasn't a well thought out punishment at all. It was reactive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 07:13 PM Flag
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NP: It does. I mean, if the message is that talking back is more acceptable than hitting someone, that's probably part of the problem. They're both bad, hurtful and disrespectful. If you send the message that it's "better," he'll behave that way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:57 PM Flag
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Yes - if the topic isn't up for debate you have to show him who's boss and you mean what you say. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:45 PM Flag
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right, but what kind of consequences are appropriate? DH thought that no tv that night was excessive as we'd planned on having a family movie night, and it kind of ruined it for everyone else. TIme outs dont' work as he's too old for them, and really doesn't mind them at all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:46 PM Flag
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You should have had the movie night without him. I think that sets the tone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:47 PM Flag
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ITTA. Dc misbehaving does not ruin the evening for the whole family. Just him. Dc is upset (good, it's a punishment) but no tv for one night won't hurt him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:51 PM Flag
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maybe you're right, but a part of me, the part who knows my son really, really well, knows that he would just get REALLY REALLY angry at the punishment, and NOT change his behavior. His behavior would become even more firmly entrenched. I don't know this for sure, but i have some gut feeling. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:52 PM Flag
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You're obviously afraid of setting your son off. He's in control here. Not you. And he knows it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:53 PM Flag
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You're making excuses b/c you are afraid of him having a tantrum. He knows he can play you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:56 PM Flag
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I think DH needs to back you on this, it spoiled his fun but it was the right choice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:48 PM Flag
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NP: ittttta. There have to be consequences, you can't back down, there has to be a united front. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:51 PM Flag
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I think your no tv reaction was fine, just work on doing it firmly, w/o screaming. Some things are NOT up for debate, and if dc doesn't listen, there must be consequences. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:46 PM Flag
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My son was ungovernable when he was 6. To me, that age was worse than any before or since (he's almost 11 now). We went on a family trip that still causes me to cringe when I think of the mutual frustration that built up between the two of us and my level of meltdown in response to HIS meltdown. I think it's very possible that he and you will get past this before too long :) Especially since your ds has so many other great qualities. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:55 PM Flag
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thank you so much. He really is a wonderful, kind, sweet kid. I think he will respond better to positive reinforcement than negative talk like "look how many demerits you got today" or whatever you call them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 07:12 PM Flag
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Yes, my sense based on my own experience is that you are right on track. Parental yelling and "losing it" is often far worse for the parent than the kids - remember they are 100% involved with the next thing while you are still shaking and full of remorse and searching for therapists and planning out the consequences. I don't know if it's more applicable to boys (I have an 8 yr old girl who was easier at age 6,) but I've heard from other parents as well that 6 is just all around tough for many kids & parents. Developmentally, age 6 is a limit-pushing time as well as a time of disequalibrium. There's a huge leap in emotional and intellectual maturity sometime between turning 7 and 8. The difficulties you're describing could be analagous to the two's when kids are more aware of the surrounding world and want more autonomy but don't have the emotional or intellectual development to express their new feelings. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 08:57 PM Flag
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Also, I think the current belief in the necessity of punishment/consequences for all infractions refelcts a rather sad and ultimately ineffective attempt to help parents maintain an illusion of control. My little secret for keeping the peace and continuing some forward momentum is the same old diversion tactic - it works really well waaay past the toddler stage (it tends to work with mis-behaving adults as well.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 09:16 PM Flag
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