UrbanBaby

06.22.08, 13:41 PM General Topics
13 replies

What's your opinion: my brother married a lovely woman about 10 years ago. We didn't know (but he knew) that she had issues with depression and took medication. No big deal. Well, 10 years and 2 kids later her depression is worsening, really impacting their lives. Meds aren't working so well. My brother is working FT and doing more than his share of housework -- she SAH. He loves her but can't imagine living much more of his life with her because her depression is making all of them so unhappy. I told him he vowed "in sickness and in health" so he has to make it work. What would you tell him? Curious. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.22.08, 01:41 PM Flag

Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

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Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

Is she trying new meds? or seeking other help? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 01:47 PM Flag

Sometimes an ultimatum is the only thing that gets people to get help. She needs to see a different dr, try different meds or a different treatment plan. enabling her does not help and teaches kids bad lessons. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 01:48 PM Flag

OP: They've actually done all this at least 2x over the last 3 years or so. Tried maybe 3 kinds of therapies and lots of meds/combinations. He told me she's said that she wished it was just something in an arm or leg -- she'd amputate and be done with it. He makes it sound like she's as frustrated as he is, but that doesn't change anything. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 02:28 PM Flag

I agree with in sickness and in health, but he needs to be talking to her therapist. My mom had issues with depression, and honestly it was much better for the whole family when she was working. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 01:51 PM Flag

As a therapist, ITA. It is often much better for parent to be working...the routine and increased number of relationships requires a different level of accountability. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 01:52 PM Flag

OP: This is interesting. They made the choice years ago for her to stay home -- he supports them no problem. He hasn't talked about her maybe going back to work except to say "at least she's not working -- that would be even worse," but I don't know what he bases that on. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 02:19 PM Flag

or: I would try to get him to re-think that. Honestly, I'm all for staying home, which I am doing; but as a child, I was always happiest when my mom worked. She was still stressed out and depressed some of the time, but it wasn't nearly as oppressive as it was when she stayed home. She fluctuated between work and sahm a couple times, it is was noticeable each time. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 02:23 PM Flag

I think this is complex. I do think some aspects of even clinical/chemical depression are situational and behavioral. Perhaps she needs to be wohm and her entire salary goes toward house and childcare. And she needs to be working with a behavioralist as well as a really great doctor for her meds. I don't disagree that marriage is "in sickness and in health" but if her depression makes her incapabale of being in a marriage, that could be a concern for both of them. It sounds like your bro needs a counselor as well. How iw their financial situation? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 01:52 PM Flag

otherwise, He might want to go much heavier on childcare and household help even if it is *not* the norm in his area (like irt is in NY) and get her a vlounteer job for 3-5 mornings per week....something to force her out of bed and in contact with other people [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 02:27 PM Flag

I would tell him to do what was best for his children and not be so sanctimonioius. If his children are suffering with this woman, mother or not, he needs to do something drastic. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 01:52 PM Flag

OP: So you would suggest he leave her? And take the kids? With her medical history I assume he'd get custody. I don't think he'd be able to do this though... [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 02:20 PM Flag

Wow, talk about unsupportive. How are you helping, by the way? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 01:54 PM Flag

np: how is that unsupportive? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.22.08, 01:55 PM Flag