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06.22.08, 09:22 AM New York City
53 replies
Talk me down...Is it me or would you be mad too? My MIL sent out birth announcements for my newborn baby before I had the chance too! The baby was born 5 weeks premature and was in the hosptial two weeks and just came home last week. So, I haven't had the chance to do them yet. Don't you think that's stepping over the line?? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
New York City 06.22.08, 09:22 AM Flag
 

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totally over the line. don't you deal with this, sic your dh on her [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:23 AM Flag
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Thank you. At first I was thinking I was letting the hormones get the best of me! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:27 AM Flag
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That's just nutty. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:26 AM Flag
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Are these announcements that she picked out or that you did? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:27 AM Flag
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She picked them out. I just found out about them after they were sent. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:28 AM Flag
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That's insane! I would be yelling so much, and I'm normally pretty diplomatic... Huge line for her to cross, and she needs to know it in no uncertain terms. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:32 AM Flag
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Your MIL is a witch. How did she get the names and addresses of your friends and family? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:28 AM Flag
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I am so sorry. I would be livid. That is really awful. I hope you say something to her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:30 AM Flag
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I'd send her a note expressing my dismay over the fact that she wrongly assumed it was the Grandmothers place to do this. I'd say the preg and birth of dd were stressful and I was so looking forward to the joy of a new mom sending out the birth announcements. It was not your place, you overstepped your bounds and I sincerely hope that this is not indicative of how you intend to grandparent my daughter. If so, its going to be a long and bumpy ride. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:31 AM Flag
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this is the message op's dh needs to send to the mil-having this come from op may not help [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:32 AM Flag
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if mil thought this was acceptable, I doubt she will take dh seriously, but an irate daughter-in-law she might. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:33 AM Flag
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well, it sounds as though the mil has little respect for the dil as it is-an emotionally tinged message isn't going to help (which your message is). op needs to spend time with her new db and adjust to being a new mom, let the dh deal with the negativity here [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:35 AM Flag
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I don't see any emotion in the note. Heck, I wrote it and am not the least bit emotional. Its laying down the law now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:39 AM Flag
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NP: Actually, it should come from OP, but in person, not in a note. OP can be polite but firm about how disappointed she is having that privilege taken from her, especially after having been through the roller coaster of having a preemie. If OP has her DH do it, it's a subtle message that OP isn't willing to stand up for herself and would rather have her DH do it. BTDT, and it's much better to do this yourself than go through your DH. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:35 AM Flag
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not really. if op's dh does this, it shows he supports the op. op doesn't need to get up in arms about this-she can vent here or to dh, but let him deal with the ramifications. talking to mil now when op is newly pp and having to leave her new db in hospital for a few weeks, well emotions are raw, will not help situation. also btdt. dh intervenes and sets tone. he also has bigger parameters to push the mil, which op doesn't [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:37 AM Flag
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not in a note-how is that standing up for herself? do you guys not remember how emotionally raw you were pp? a note is very passive aggressive, a dh intervening shows you are willing to set boundaries and stand up for selves. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:38 AM Flag
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written communication does not in any way shape or form fit "passive agressive". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:42 AM Flag
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notes are always better in these types of situations. You choose your words carefully and it give recipient time to process before responding. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:40 AM Flag
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I disagree - chances are he won't do it and the relations between me and mil is a relationship between me and mil. I deal with the problems. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:35 AM Flag
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OP needs to send it, or better yet, they both need to send it or talke with her. OP needs the backing of DH. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:35 AM Flag
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I agree with this. We had very serious issues with MIL overstepping bounds. We went to therapy it was so bad. Therapist recommended DH deal with his own Mother. It was very difficult for a time but 3 years later, we have a much better relationship with her and she rarely crosses the line and when she does, DH deals with her, never me. So much better in the end. Now, MIL is giving her own daughter huge problems [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 06:09 PM Flag
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oh boy, that's tough. i hope it doesn't come to that for me and DH. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 09:34 AM Flag
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Way, way, way, over the line. You need to tell her.....NOW. She is the grandmother, not the mother. If she wants to offer to help you , that is fine (and you can tell her that, even if you hav o intent of accepting her help), but she is never to take your place again. The end. And, start planning *your* Mother's Day now, because this woman sounds like she will try to ownt hat next year, as well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:34 AM Flag
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np: My MIL acts that way on Mother's Day. It's so freaking annoying, especially since my own mom died long before I even got married or had kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:36 AM Flag
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Good luck, I know you're getting conflicting advice. I think that the important thing is to rapidly and very strongly let her know this was completely unacceptable. If dh is capable of doing that then have him do it, if not, you will have to do it yourself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 09:41 AM Flag
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i think that was not right of her. i don't agree with all the posters saying this should be your dh's place to say something. i'd call her, say simply that you did not feel it was her place to send them. and then drop it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 10:03 AM Flag
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^^^and i would first confirm with dh that he didn't give her the ok to do this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 10:04 AM Flag
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DH definitely didn't give her the ok to do this. Infact, he was venting with his sister about his mother stepping over the line about other things and that's when his sister mentioned the birth announcements. DH mentioned the Birth annoucements to me out of the blue... i don't think he realized how much it would bother me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 09:36 AM Flag
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Yes. It was over the line. The only exception would be if you had previously agreed that she would send different announcements to her friends/family and that she would handle printing/mailing separately. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 10:04 AM Flag
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What does DH think? I hope he is enraged. If not, you have problems. If this happen to me, I'd want to claw her eyes out. You have a real winner. Sorry. DH needs to make very clear that if she does something like this again, it jeopardizes her relationship with you and her grandchildren. I do think it is ok for you to tell her off, but DH has to come in and seal the deal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 10:58 AM Flag
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Yes, unfortunately, the *most* important thing here is how DH feels. Trust me, I have an evil MIL but my DH is still a bit of a mommys boy, always trying to please me and his mom. Despite this, we have a decent marriage but honestly I think that if we ever divorced it would be over tension with his mom. Your DH should be enraged but if he blows it off as "oh, that's just my mom" then youre in big trouble. Means he's not willing to stand up for you and for you as a couple. Good luck, I feel for you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 11:19 AM Flag
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OR- ITA. My MIL was horrible. We almost divorced over her. It was the only thing we fought about. Now, DH has essentially cut her out of our lives. I feel sorry for her, but the anguish and pain she caused our family finally caused us to sever almost all contact. DH is filled with guilt that he didn't lay down the law 15 years ago when she first started doing crazy things. He thinks if he had the balls to stand up to his mother then, it wouldn't have come to this. Learn from our mistakes. Cut off bad behavior now if you don't want this to go down hill. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 01:38 PM Flag
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Thank you all for you advice. The response seems pretty uniform and that is I or my DH needs to have a discussion with MIL. I fear if I do it I will ruin the relationship. So, I may need to have my DH do it because he tends to be a bit more diplomatic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 12:50 PM Flag
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I think this is *not* the time for diplomacy and you need to show a united front....just my opinion. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 01:59 PM Flag
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ITA [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 06:18 PM Flag
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She's a freak and it should def be DH talking to her not you [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 06:47 PM Flag
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I would have dh deal with this. She is definitely out of line but I think the ongoing relationship would be better if dh was the one to say something. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 02:48 PM Flag
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Sole voice of dissent here. Maybe MIL thought she was helping out? After all, her son & DIL were completely preoccupied. OP's distress is understandable, but she shouldn't assume that MIL was trying to pre-empt her or otherwise make trouble. Unless there's a history of that sort of thing. By the way, your MIL has a new title: your child's GRANDMOTHER. She deserves respect, as well as boundaries. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 06:14 PM Flag
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np: Gosh, when you're a grandmother I sure hope you don't think it's OK to act that way b/c you will not be a very well liked MIL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 06:46 PM Flag
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Ok maybe I should call her GRANDMOTHER rather than MIL. Maybe I wouldn't have such a hard time with her actions if: [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 09:28 AM Flag
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Ops got cut off. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 09:28 AM Flag
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keep hitting enter...sorry. i wouldn't have a problem with her actions if 1) she asked me if it was ok 2) sent me a copy of the birth announcement 3) asked me who I would want them sent to 4) asked me if it was ok to mail my childs picture around. I had no idea that she sent them out until after they were sent. So, it wasn't like she aske if she could help me by sending them she just went ahead and did it. Yes, there is a history of her butting in and this was the last straw. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 09:32 AM Flag
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If she truly thought she might be doing something that was helpful, then she should have asked not just assumed. Someone who assumes like that is not trying to be helpful, she's trying to be controlling. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 03:11 PM Flag
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Deal with this now or it will get worse. Believe me. ONly in my case, it was my own parents -- not ILs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 06:17 PM Flag
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OP, can you give us an update? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 07:26 PM Flag
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No updates yet. Still waiting for my DH to make the call. Will let you know what happens. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 09:33 AM Flag
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completely over the line. Awful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.22.08, 07:51 PM Flag
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this is when you don't let her see the baby until she apologizes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 02:34 PM Flag
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outrageous. so wrong of her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 03:14 PM Flag
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totally out of line. You tell her that she has had her children and this is your child and she has stepped over the line. Tell her that you were taking care of the baby and worried about her and while you appreciate her trying to be helpful, it was totally out of line. I say you take care of it with dh right by your side while you have the conversation and he backs you up on it. Say it now otherwise there will be many more inappropriate things down the line. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 05:36 PM Flag
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would it be wrong to publish her obituary ? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 05:45 PM Flag
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WTF!!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:33 PM Flag
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Wow. That is nuts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.23.08, 06:42 PM Flag
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