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06.19.08, 12:12 PM General Topics
47 replies
I am the Mom who just posted about my DH leaving me last night. DH just sent me this e-mail..."Honey, I screwed up so much last night and over the last 19 months, I love you so much and I don't want to be with her. I will support the baby, but I want to be your husband and a father to our kids. I couldn't sleep last night knowing I hurt you. I can't eat knowing I hurt you. I can't go on without you. Please take me back." What does this mean? What do I do? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:12 PM Flag
 

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This just can't be real, right? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:14 PM Flag
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OP: It is real. I think my DH is losing it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:14 PM Flag
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np: i thought the other post was a fake post but didn't suggest it b/c if it was a real post why put her through more grief. but this is a poor follow up. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:15 PM Flag
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OP: these posts are real. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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if this is a real post, i'd say to not do anything for a week. arrange to meet again on monday or tuesday evening in a neutral setting and discuss what you each want to do and where you want to go from here. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:20 PM Flag
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OP: I like this idea. Thank you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:21 PM Flag
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it means that when he told his 'other woman' that he left you for her she said she wasn't that into him [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 05:25 PM Flag
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He sent this in an EMAIL? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:15 PM Flag
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Yes, he just sent it a few minutes ago. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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you need to be strong. i would make him be tested for bi-polar [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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Thank you. I am thinking that something is really wrong here. This is just weird and I am freaked out by it [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:17 PM Flag
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screw him! no excuse. take him for all he's worth. once a cheat always a cheat. there are consequences for actions [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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i agree with good he cant eat or sleep the ahole... but there are two kids to worry about [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:18 PM Flag
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Only you can decide what to do in this situation. If you are willing to work it out, more power to you. Insist that you attend counsling together. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:18 PM Flag
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You tell him No. Having an affair is something that can often be worked through. Getting another woman pregnant is a deal-breaker. This woman and her DB will be a part of your life for the duration of your marriage, no matter what DH is telling you now, unless all is going to be doing is writing checks, in which case he is not a good father (and what is he teaching your DSs with this behavior). He got another woman pregnant. It's over. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:18 PM Flag
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I don't know what his plans are for the baby. I would hope he'd be a part of the child's life, I mean he is a good Dad to our sons and I'd hope he'd be a good Dad to the new baby. The whole thing concerns me and I am really confused on what to do. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:21 PM Flag
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You don't need to make any long term decisions right away. Take your time, go to couples therapy, see what develops. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:18 PM Flag
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I am willing to do therapy [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:19 PM Flag
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Then do that. Go to therapy, keep your mind open to forgiveness, but also start thinking about the idea of being on your own so its not so terrifying to you. You are shocked and confused right now, but in time the path will reveal itself. So just take it slow for now, no long term decisions. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:22 PM Flag
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Thank you. I am going to start looking for a therapist. Does anyone know any in the Westfield, NJ area? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:23 PM Flag
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BTW, I've BTDT. I know that it is incredibly painful and at time it may seem like its always going to feel that way but I swear to you that it won't. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:24 PM Flag
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How did you get through it? What did yur DH do to you? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:26 PM Flag
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I learned that he had been cheating for years. It was hideous and our marriage ultimately did not survive but you know what? Life goes on. I'm a middle aged, single mother of three and I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined that my life would turn out this way but its ok. And do get a good therapist. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:28 PM Flag
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Were you ever at a point where you thought it could stay together? How did you find out about the affair? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:31 PM Flag
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Yes, there was a long period where I flip flopped -- sometimes I thought I could live with what had happened, then I would think that there was no way I could ever be happy in the relationship again, then back and forth. As time went on, and as we talked about stuff in couples therapy, the time that I spent thinking that I could never be happy with this man again took up a greater and greater percentage of my time until it finally became clear that the marriage wasn't going to work. But honestly, it took a long long time to get there. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:34 PM Flag
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OP: Thank you. I will keep this in mind......do you mind if I ask you one thing. When you were in therapy, did yuo live together? DId you have sex at all? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:36 PM Flag
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Yes, we lived together until well after we finally decided to divorce. And believe it or not, as strange as it sounds, we did have sex. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:38 PM Flag
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Thank you. I was just curious about living arrangements, since obviously that is something DH and I may have to address. And yes I wanted to know about sex, because that could come up. One other question, was the sex any better or worse than before? Was it tough to have sex with him? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:41 PM Flag
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OK, this is complicated but I'm willing to try to articulate it in an UB post. The sex was different than before. In order to be able to do it, I had to purposefully push out of my mind thoughts of him with other people and it took quite a bit of mental energy to do that. So while I was able to have sex with him and orgasm and actually enjoy the physical part, the emotional bond of making love with someone you are in love with was gone. By trying so hard not to feel the painful stuff, I wound up not feeling anything much at all. But at the time I felt that it was important to have sex if there was going to be a real chance at reconciliation so I gave it the old college try. I hope this is helpful and not depressing; just because it didn't work out for us doesn't mean that it won't for you -- my ex had many many issues, childhood violence, multiple substance additions -- I hope you don't take away from my story the idea that your marriage is doomed. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:49 PM Flag
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Thank you. I needed to know. I am no where near a point where I'd consider sex with him. I still need to see what is up and why he did this. And see a therapist. Right now the thought of having sex with now is disgusting to me and I would almost rather have sex wtih Wilfred Brimley than DH. Who knows maybe it can work or it won't. I know it will be hard to push out the thoughts of the other woman. I mean my DH had sex with her, he was inside her, pressed against her. It is sickening to think about. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:54 PM Flag
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Oh, honey, I know. My heart goes out to you. GL whatever happens. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 01:03 PM Flag
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NP: Doesn't sound strange to me, when my ex DH and I were in therapy we'd have sex sometimes. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:41 PM Flag
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He got another woman pregnant. What's therapy going to do, discuss visitation? And most of the time I suggest therapy (it saved my marriage). No therapist can work through this one. It's time for a lawyer. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:24 PM Flag
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Look, it is a very problematic situation but how can you say that no couple on earth can possibly survive this? Even if they eventually separate, OP will want to know in her heart -- and be able to tell her children one day -- that she didn't act in haste or out of anger, that she did everything she could to save her marriage. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:26 PM Flag
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OP: Thank you. I want to make sure I took every step. Even though I am angry at DH I also love him a lot and I know somethign is wrong with him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:28 PM Flag
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OP: This is a large part of me that still loves him a lot and the whole having an affair for 19 months is not normal for him and this e-mail says to me that something is wrong. I think he has some sort of issue. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:26 PM Flag
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np: one thing i will say. maybe you don't know what is normal for him. i'm not saying you do or you don't but 19 months is a long time to do something. it BECAME the norm for him whether you want to think of it that way or not. i have one friend who discovered her dh was cheating and it turned out he was an alcoholic who drank alone while traveling and started making bad decisions. i have another friend whose dh cheated and while she thought it was a one time thing when she found out, she later found out that he cheated before they ever got married. she had no clue. if you're willing to do counseling, that's great. but you may have to face the idea that you don't really know your dh. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:41 PM Flag
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OP: That is too much to think about now. Honestly if I found that out, I think I couldn't go on with this marriage. I know it's a long time and something is telling me that something is really wrong with DH. I am really praying that I know DH well and something is terribly wrong. I really hope that's the case. I mean I've known him 15 yaers and in no way would he do something like this. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:43 PM Flag
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But he did do it. He's been having an affair for at least 19 months and she's now pregnant. That's a very harsh reality and it's easy to say "something is wrong", yes something is very wrong and now it's time to do what's best for your DSs and yourself. He made his decision when he had his affair, she made hers when she decided to keep the pregnancy, now it's time for you to do what you need to do, which is get out of this marriage. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 12:59 PM Flag
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That is easier said than done. The decision to leave a marriage, especially when there are children involved, is a process -- it doesn't happen in an instant. Give OP a break, its been a huge shock and maybe she'll get there but she's entitled to do it in her own time. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 01:05 PM Flag
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Not this time. She needs to protect herself and her DCs. There is now another child, not hers, who will have rights to his time and his money. If OP wants to protect the interests of her DCs she needs to call a lawyer today. A court will get involved to protect the rights of the other child outside of the marriage as part of a paternity suit, but will not protect the children within an existing marriage. At the very least she needs a post-nuptual agreement ASAP to protect her own DCs. The decision to divorce can happen later, but the decision to act in the interests of herself and her DCs can't wait. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 01:13 PM Flag
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Why is it either/or? I respect her ability to tolerate ambiguity and pain in the service of what may be the greater goal of preserving an important relationship. At the same time, DH is clearly volatile and may cause more problems down the road, so she needs to cover herself financially while leaving options open. Some people can't tolerate cheating other people can. I personally don't think it's the worst thing and it sounds like there's a lot of real love there. Maybe therapy can work. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 03:44 PM Flag
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If this was a child from a prior marriage or if OP was already separated, maybe. He's having a DB with another woman - that woman and her DB will be a part of OPs life as long as she remains married to him. She can't pretend that her DH is a "good father" or a "good husband" when he's having DCs with other women. She may want to tolerate the ambiguity, but what is she teaching her DSs? She will have to explain to her DSs why she stayed, all the while trying to teach them that they should respect their spouses, when her DH, their father, didn't. An affair can be overcome, a child with another woman is a totally different situation. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 03:57 PM Flag
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ITA! You cant teach faithfulness and self-respect if you stay in that marriage. The chidren will be better off raised by a strong single mom than a sorry excuse for a father. The children may later even resent their mother for staying and not being strong enough. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 04:03 PM Flag
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ITA with this. I love my dad, but he was a total alcoholic and not faithful to my mom (I only found these things out as an adult), and I really have a problem with her version of things, i.e. that she stayed for ME. Which is all to say, if you can stay and really be at peace with what's happened, that's one thing, but if it's going to be miserable, that's another. GL. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 05:04 PM Flag
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btdt. It is still just words. You need some disance and he needs to SHOW you he is changing. this will probably include therapy on his part, if for nothing else than to examine his destructive, selfish behavior and to provide ongoing reassurance to you. In addition, he must be transparent for a while, must always be willing to tell you where he is and who he is with...for startrs. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 05:34 PM Flag
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^^^I just saw the responses that mention he is having a child with the other woman -- I have not been there. you need to think this out without pressure from him and take your time [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 06.19.08, 05:42 PM Flag
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