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06.17.08, 15:16 PM New York City
82 replies
i am really upset. I have been with bf for 4 months. things are going really well, we are exclusive, he told me he loved me...except...i feel like i include him in everything and he doesn't include me in anything. i just got off the phone with him and he told me he is trying to block out 2 weeks in july to go to italy to stay in his friends house because his friend will be out there for the month and he didn't invite me to go. it isn't about italy at all. the truth is, i don't even know if i can take the time off work. its more about the fact that he wouldn't even think to invite me, or want to spend vacation with me. this really upset me. we are spending 4th of july weekend together because I invited him to my familys house on the beach. but he never thinks to include me in his plans. what is up here. if you really like or care about someone you are with don't you really want them to share things like that with you??? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
New York City 06.17.08, 03:16 PM Flag
 

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you're making it too easy for him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:18 PM Flag
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tell me more!! why? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:19 PM Flag
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Stop including him all the time and start blowing him off a bit more. Make him work for you. Guys usually respond better when they are challenged. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:21 PM Flag
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ITD with this advice. You're telling her to play games. It's up to you OP, but if I had to go this route at this stage of my life, I'd think twice about this guy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:23 PM Flag
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It's really not about playing games, it is about not being walked over. It sounds like she does everything for him, and he is not giving back. Of course if she is totally giving, he is going to stay as long as possible. The trick is to find out if he is playing games with her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:26 PM Flag
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But you're playing games in order to find that out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:29 PM Flag
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It's not games to back off if he's hurt her feelings. If he's playing her, it's not like he's going to come out and admit that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:34 PM Flag
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would someone invest that much time in someone they are playing? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:36 PM Flag
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You have a lot to learn about relationships IMO. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:37 PM Flag
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like? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:38 PM Flag
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Like you don't know anything about this woman or this man, yet you are sure he's playing her. And you give horrible advice about playing hard to get? How OLD are you? 25? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:40 PM Flag
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np: lol. lol. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:41 PM Flag
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I don't know anything about her, but are you really trying to imply that all your wisdom means that you know when someone online that YOU haven't met isn't getting played? As you said, you know little about the situation either. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:42 PM Flag
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No, I've told her below to discuss things with him like an adult and not jump to conclusions. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:45 PM Flag
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I agree that she should talk to him, but I disagree that she can take everything he says at face value. It already sounds like she is putting more into this than he is, it's not a new problem if she brought this up last week. I would want to see more proof that he is into he than just him simply saying it when confronted. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:51 PM Flag
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Often instincts tell you something, and it is obvious her instincts are warning her that he may not be as into as he's saying that he is. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:52 PM Flag
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he's just not that into you... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:18 PM Flag
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really? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:19 PM Flag
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I agree [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:20 PM Flag
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why? can you tell me? we spend every weekend together etc [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:20 PM Flag
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Maybe his friend only invited him. Why don't you suggest a holiday for just the two of you. 4 months is still very early days. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:20 PM Flag
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when i got upset he said "come, come, i want you to come". the point is though, why wouldn't he ask me to first. i dont even want to go now i am so pissed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:21 PM Flag
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He's a man - he probably didn't think. If you got upset about something like this, this early in your relationship it doesn't sound good. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:23 PM Flag
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ita [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:33 PM Flag
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The real point is that he didn't tell you at the beginning that he wanted you to go, but couldn't invite you. It's understandable at this point if he can't bring you and dc along to a friend's house for two weeks, but it's not a great sign if he didn't think that this could be hurtful to you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:23 PM Flag
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i wouldn't bring dc. but he was talking about how he may try to bring his dc. i agree that the point is that he didn't tell me in the beginning he wanted me to come. i am fuming and annoyed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:25 PM Flag
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I would expect a man I am exclusive and serious with to at least ASK his friends if I could come. If they said no, then fine, but I would definitely expect him to think of including me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:26 PM Flag
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so where do i go from here? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:30 PM Flag
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I would expect him also to apologize profusely at the very beginning of the conversation if he couldn't bring me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:30 PM Flag
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OP: lol. yea, apparently he didn't even think he should include me so apologizing is no where in sight!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:31 PM Flag
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grow up! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:34 PM Flag
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grow up??i am responding to the poster above [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:37 PM Flag
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np: She's just unbearable. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:37 PM Flag
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are you kidding? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:39 PM Flag
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Nope. Cannot stand women like this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:40 PM Flag
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like what? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:41 PM Flag
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That can't allow their boyfriend to go on a trip with old friends without her. That needs to be asked even though she doesn't intend to go. That uses triple ?s in her post to convey the horror of what he's done. That turns everything into a test of their relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:44 PM Flag
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sorry that is what you think of me. i don't play any games. i 100% support trips with his friends, but its not a guys trip. i invite him to everything and he hasn't invited me to anything with his friends yet. not one thing. am i upset. yes. do i have a right to be? yes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:46 PM Flag
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If he doesn't invite you to anything, then this vacation isn't the issue. He's the issue. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:47 PM Flag
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I don't think she thought it was horrible. I think she was a bit hurt b/c she thought he'd want her to come, and is confused that he didn't. That's all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:46 PM Flag
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Give her a break. I don't think she is wrong to be offended at all. Why the Anger? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:47 PM Flag
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itttta. from my brain to your fingers apparently [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:58 PM Flag
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Talk to him. You're in a relationship - it shouldn't be a big deal to just tell him that you are a little confused by his going away for 2 weeks with his friends without mentioning this to you before, or even hinting that he might want you to come. At this point in the relationship, his other actions led you to believe he'd want you there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:33 PM Flag
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so you want to cut off your nose to spite your face. you want to go, but because the invitation didn't come the way it would in your fantasy you're pissed. sorry, I think you need to grow up. let me warn you, traveling together is a huge test on a relationship. This might be too soon, especially since you seem to have pretty unrealistic expectations IMO [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:32 PM Flag
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no, but i began by saying it wasn't about going, it was about the invite. my question is more the idea that when you love / really like someone, don't you automatically want them there to share certain things with you? we have traveled together, but only 4 days at a time so far and we do a pretty good job, but yes, europe is a whole diff story [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:36 PM Flag
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it sounds like it's really important to you for him to do things exactly the way you want, but that doesn't seem to be his style. it's only been 4 months. my suggestion is that even if he wants you to come, don't. it's too early [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:44 PM Flag
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not at all. i just want ONE, ONE invite. to anything (not including dinner, etc), one where i can spend time with people in his life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 04:04 PM Flag
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then break up with him and tell him that you are doing so because you feel like he doesn't include him in his social circle. that or figure out a way to deal with this...at least for now [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 04:08 PM Flag
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would you break up with someone for that reason? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 04:09 PM Flag
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Though I agree 4 mos is early in a relationship, they are not kids, and he's already said he loves her. He's a grown man - if he wanted her to come with his friends, he'd include her (or ask for her to be included). It's absurd to say "maybe his friends only invited him". They're not 18. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:22 PM Flag
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OP: i was just going to say this. we are grown adults. all with kids. plus his friends house is more like a mansion/compound and tons of people will be there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:23 PM Flag
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than this is definitely not a great sign. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:24 PM Flag
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I'm the same OR as the one below who said it's not a good sign. I'd just find it odd that he's saying he loves you & you obviously spend a lot of time together, yet he didn't include you in something like this. Do you feel comfortable discussing it with him? Not in an accusatory way of course, but just to clear the air? Perhaps you'll get a clearer picture of where his mind is at. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:25 PM Flag
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thats why its so weird. this isn't a guy who is out dating other people, etc. hes a little bit of a recluse etc, so i just don't understand it either. i once asked if we should date other people in addition to each other to slow things down a bit, figure out where we are going, etc and he said no, he didn't want that. yet stuff like this confuses me [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:28 PM Flag
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IMO it can't hurt to say just that. If you're already saying I love you and clearly are acting like you are in a serious relationship, you have to be able to talk about these things. I'm also a big believer in with the right guy, there's no games, you can communicate, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:31 PM Flag
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well usually i would play it cool and not let him see i was upset but on the spot i said "when exactly are you making time for us? wouldn't you want me to come to italy with you?" that is when he started crying out. come! come! i want you to come! but it was too late [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:33 PM Flag
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hmmm, is he a bit geeky? After reading this I'm wondering if he's just pretty awkward? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:36 PM Flag
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yes, he is geeky, but at the same time very aware of how things will play out. but extremely awkward [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:38 PM Flag
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then I'm going to change my opinion. I think I would be annoyed, but more inclined to take his late invitation at face value. Definitely need to have a serious chat with him to make sure you are on the same page though. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:40 PM Flag
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OR below: ITA [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:41 PM Flag
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i had a serious talk with him last week to make sure we were on the same page. i told him i didn't want to get too invested in something that i was unsure of. i asked if he wanted to date other people in order to slow things down, etc. he said no. he loved me and wanted to keep moving forward etc. i told him what i needed was for him to include me in his life and make efforts to invite me to things the way i do him. and this is what happens less then a week later. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:43 PM Flag
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Ah, OK then, this changes things. You need to flat out say that you don't understand why, after you just asked him to include you in his life, he did this. It sounds like he has the feelings for you, but perhaps is guarded with letting you totally into his life (because he's divorced). Am I right? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:48 PM Flag
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^^and P.S., at only 4 mos, that's not the worst thing, even if it hurts a bit. If it continues down the road, then I'd be worried. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:49 PM Flag
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could be. thanks. ugh. so hard [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 04:02 PM Flag
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Your reaction is completely normal. I wouldn't jump the gun and say it's too late (esp. if you want to go!). This isn't some guy you are casually dating - you are in a relationship with him. Talk to him, tell him that you're confused and a little hurt that he didn't think of asking you to come, and you don't get why that is. I would not write the trip, or him, off completely without talking to him. He's human - perhaps he just make the wrong choice at the moment. Obviously you have gotten serious rather quickly (not a bad thing) - it can sometimes be confusing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:37 PM Flag
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thank you! just makes me feel so bad. as though he is indifferent about having me around [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:41 PM Flag
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It's not necessarily about not wanting you there. At only 4 mos, things can be dicey as to what to do, esp. you've both been married before and have kids - the feelings might be there but yet you don't want to jump the gun sometimes. I don't want to put words in the guy's mouth. I can't say what his reasons were, but you need to find out before you jump to conclusions. It'll also be a good test of your relationship in general to see how you can talk about things. And after the chat, if you still want to go, by all means, don't stand on your high horse - go! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:45 PM Flag
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This is not a good sign IMO [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:21 PM Flag
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because hes just not that into me? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:22 PM Flag
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It's not so much that. Obviously he's into you if he said he loves you. But IMO it's an indication of where he sees your relationship/sees you fitting into his life if he's quick to run off for 2 wks without you to hang out with his friends in Italy, without even thinking of including you. Just my opinion. HOw old are you (and him)? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:24 PM Flag
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we are both in our 30's. divorced with children (both of us) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:26 PM Flag
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OK< he's no kid. It's really up to you, but if it were me, I'd want to discuss this a little more just to see if I could get a handle on why he didn't think to include you. 4 months isn't long, but when you're spending every weekend together & saying I love you to each other, that's serious esp. once you're in your 30's IMO. I wouldn't play games and play harder to get...perhaps it's as simple as him feeling it was a bit too much at this point to bring you to Italy and be with all of his friends. If you're OK with that, then fine. If you're not OK, well, then you need to do some thinking about your relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:29 PM Flag
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is this a pattern? have you posted about this before? that he'll tell you about things and how fun they sound but not invite you? do you think he's just clueless or passive/aggressive? btw 4 months does not equal automatic inclusion on everything even/especially a vacation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:21 PM Flag
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yup!!! thats me [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:31 PM Flag
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so he has a stupid way of communicating these things. maybe he's insecure and doesn't want come right out and ask you because he's afraid you'll say no [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:38 PM Flag
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very well could be, HOWEVER, i have had quite a few talks with him about how i would like to be included in things, and i would like him to invite me to things sometimes [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:40 PM Flag
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Either that or I hate to say it...he's afraid of his friends, and didn't want to say to them "hey, I'm serious about someone, can I bring her?" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:41 PM Flag
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sometimes the "friends" need to adjust. Maybe his friend didn't invite you... you're in a great place but it's transitional. You really should not worry because you'll communicate that and it's not attractive not to mention you don't need to suffer. gl [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:26 PM Flag
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his friend def didn't invite me because i doubt this friend knows the magnitude of our relationship. its my bf's job to convey that. out of curiousity, why are you so positive? :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:30 PM Flag
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Have you met his kids? Maybe he didn't want you there if his kids were going. That would make sense. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:43 PM Flag
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yes i have, and he has met mine. we even had them all meet each other at the zoo. very casual. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:44 PM Flag
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That doesn't sound like a great idea after 4 months? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 03:49 PM Flag
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