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06.16.08, 18:16 PM Newborn
18 replies
am soooooooo upset. Help me down someone. DH just told me he wanted to "have a chat" and proceeded to tell me he feels like our relationship is like a "business relationship".He works 7-7 and i am a sahm with help only one day a week for 1 db 6 months old. He does hardly ANYTHING to help with the baby and when he does i always feel like he isnt careful so i intervine just for db's saftey. He says i am picking on him. Our sex life is all about him completely- beyond selfish. I feel like i am on the verge of divorce. Am i ? I feel like i am so unappreciated for all i do for db and now he says that we are in a business relationship. EFF YOU DH! [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
Newborn 06.16.08, 06:16 PM Flag
 

Dear UrbanBaby community,

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Well what does he want to do about it? Did he say "I'm in love with you and miss you?" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:19 PM Flag
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he just wanted to talk about it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:19 PM Flag
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but that is good. He is saying that he misses you. Can you spend some time alone with dh? You need to reacquaint yourself with the person with whom you fell in love. Maybe he's awkward and that was not the best way to express himself but you know at least he tried! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:23 PM Flag
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you need to give up control if you want help from dh.... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:21 PM Flag
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honestly, he sounds a tad selfish but totally normal for 1st year after 1st baby. would highly recommend counseling. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:21 PM Flag
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or - ita [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:25 PM Flag
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oh boy, this isn't good. It sounds like a couple of things are going on. . . he might be very jealous of the relationship you have w/db and the fact that you aren't letting him do things on his own further undermines his self-esteem and makes him mad at you. Then he starts to resent you and the baby for taking his life and his sense of self away. Having a kid can be really tough on a marriage. If you guys were solid beforehand then don't worry, this is just one of those terrible bumps in the road you will both get through. You need to keep talking to one another about what's happening and get him to express himself. He could also be totally stressed out that he is the sole person financially and that added pressure could be wearing him down. He's not going about this the right way, but he sounds jealous and insecure. You need to talk this through and get him to express himself without judgement. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:22 PM Flag
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good advice [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:25 PM Flag
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man, you sound very angry and resentful, a bit controlling and enjoying the mommy martyr status. I would bet it is hard for him to help you if this is your general attitude toward him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:22 PM Flag
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why do you say that?> [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:26 PM Flag
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you don't let him help you because you think he's being unsafe? talk about undermining him. you have one db and have help one day a week? that's a fair amount of help for a mom of 1 small db. I personally can get caught up in running the household myself, and can see from a DH perspective that the marriage can turn into business - a lack of tenderness. It's easy to resent him when you're dealing with a baby. He becomes the scapegoat for your frustrations, but that will not help your marriage at all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:31 PM Flag
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NP and I agree. Stop acting like the baby is yours alone, and like you have a harder job than he does. Taking care of 1 6mo may be boring or isolating, but it is not difficult. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:43 PM Flag
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wow, I feel like I just wrote this!!!!!!!! I have 5mo and literally am in the exact same situation. we should talk! not sure if you've ever tried couples therapy. we did over a year ago (before we got pregnant). it helped for a while but we need more. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:25 PM Flag
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i think he might be open to it. Whats going on in your marriage? where do i find a couples therapist in nyc? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:27 PM Flag
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my husband and i have had the conversation also about not him feeling like he is last on the list of things. i also haven't had a full nite's sleep in 5 months but he doesn't see to think that affects anything. we found a couple's therapist thru our insurance. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.17.08, 05:49 AM Flag
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when was the last time you went out on a date? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:25 PM Flag
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For starters, stop "intervening for db's safety." No wonder he hardly does anything to help with the baby. Anyway, you are not on the verge of divorce, you are just in the big adjustment of having a baby. Keep talking. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:41 PM Flag
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the reason he hardly does anything is because you pick on him when he does. Back off. Get an eveining sitter for dates. Stop being a martyr. Its hard being a SAHM or the first few months but do not alienate dh [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 06:43 PM Flag
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