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06.16.08, 12:56 PM New York City
44 replies
I am 41 and my DH passed away 2 years ago. I just started my first relationship since DH died and my boyfriend is 27. I still haven't introduced him to my 2 sons, who are 13 and 11. They don't know his age of hand, any advice on how to handle that? What about handling friends of mine who are commenting on the age difference? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
New York City 06.16.08, 12:56 PM Flag
 

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How's the sex [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 12:58 PM Flag
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Really good [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 12:58 PM Flag
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Where do you have sex? At his place? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 12:59 PM Flag
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His place or at the hospital. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:01 PM Flag
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I wouldn't introduce them to your sons for a very long time. As for friends, I imagine they are concerned about you because they don't want you to be hurt more. I'm sorry for you loss. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 12:59 PM Flag
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We've been dating about 4 months. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:01 PM Flag
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I would suggest waiting until you believe that the relationship is going to be long-term or one that potentially leads to marriage. And you need to be clear in your head about what impact their reaction to him will or will not have on the relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:05 PM Flag
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exactly, because it very well may not be positive. it's very hard for children to understand a parent moving on after losing another parent [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:22 PM Flag
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That's another of my concerns. How do I handle that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:23 PM Flag
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I would recommend discussing this with a therapist. I think other OR's suggestion is sound, that you are clear how you will handle their response to him, which at best will be wary and at worst could be outright hostile. Do not try to force a relationship between them unless you plan to marry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:30 PM Flag
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Let the poor boy go. He needs someone he can have a life with and you need someone more mature. FWIW I would never say this to you in real life because I know you would slap me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:39 PM Flag
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itd. enjoy. have fun. don't introduce a fling to your sons though. and fwiw medical students are a different breed. they're kind of stunted socially so it's more important that you're at the same stage rather than the same age [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:43 PM Flag
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I think she had her fun. Time to move on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:48 PM Flag
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what? she's like the black widow? he's a grown man. he can make his own decision. he doesn't need her to decide for him [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:52 PM Flag
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OP: This is not a fling, we are having a relationship. And he's 27 and he kissed me first. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:53 PM Flag
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I was defending you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 02:53 PM Flag
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Where did you meet him? Is he in to older women? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 12:59 PM Flag
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We are both doctors and work in teh same hospital. We don't cover the same specialty, but ended up getting to know each other. He says he's never dated anyone this much older. I look younger than I am. We started as friends and it grew. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:00 PM Flag
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When friends make comments look them in the eye and say "he makes me really happy." Maybe just spring him on your boys - asnwer any questions they have before or after meeting him but don't give them lots of info ahead of time so they can make their own judgmenets. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:00 PM Flag
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Do you think it would be bothersome to my sons that he's younger than me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:03 PM Flag
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I'll be honest, my sons are much younger than yours and I really don't know much about 11 and 13 yo boys yet. I would suspect that adults would make a bigger thing out of the age difference than kids would. Kids tend to pick up on different kinds of things. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:06 PM Flag
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what is going to bother your sons is not his age, but that you are apparently ready to "replace" their father. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just speaking from personal experience and I've seen this go very bad more than once. Even adult children have trouble with their parents starting a new relationship after the death of a parent. And I think it's hardest on teens, especially teens of the opposite sex of the surviving parent...not to get all oedipal on you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:38 PM Flag
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This is something else I am concerned about. When my DH died, I didn't think I could ever fall in love again and I am not looking to replace my DH. To be honest, I wasn't even looking for a relationship when it all happened, I knew I wanted to see a man romantically again, but wasn't sure when I wanted to. I've told them I've been going out sometimes with a guy on dates. And I tell them how much I love their father and I do not want to replace their father. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:50 PM Flag
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I wrote a detailed reply and UB bounced. Now I have to head home. in a nutshell, it's good they know you're seeing someone. I would wait until they express an interest in meeting him without your prompting. that to me would show a curiosity and a willingness to accept. gotta run. I'll check back. good luck!!! oh and you deserve to be loved and to have hope. it's not about replacing anybody. I know thaqt [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 02:00 PM Flag
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Ignore any implied comments and confront any overt statements. Nothing more. aka Don't feed the trolls. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:00 PM Flag
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congratulations too, i mean on new boyfriend. and sorry about your dh. that's very sad. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:00 PM Flag
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With your sons, take your time and be sure you are at a stage in your relationship where they need to meet your boyfriend. As for your friends, those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind. Good luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:01 PM Flag
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Thank you. I am trying to figure it out with my sons. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:02 PM Flag
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I think this is awesome! How did it evolve from friendship to romance? What was the episodic turning point? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:07 PM Flag
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Well we got along well and had a good friendship. One day we were both heading for our cars and my battary died. He helped jump my car and went with me to a mechanic to make sure I got a good new battary, etc. I took him out for dinner to say thank you and when we went to our cars after dinner, he kissed me and I kissed him back and it went from there. Three days later we had our first formal date. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:12 PM Flag
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That is so romantic-I love it! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:18 PM Flag
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Thank you. I know it was almost perfect, I would never have expected it to happen like that. Actually until it happened, I didn't think we'd have become a couple. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:20 PM Flag
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I would not introduce until you know it's a committed relationship, i.e., you're talking marriage [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:10 PM Flag
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we're not at that stage yet, but we are in a relationship. We probably won't be talking marriage for a while though. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:13 PM Flag
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np I don't think you need to be at the marriage stage to make the intros but I'd make sure it was fairly serious before introducing them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:15 PM Flag
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well 4 months is way too early IMO [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:21 PM Flag
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How long would you wait then? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:23 PM Flag
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it depends on how serious you are. I posted above about discussing with therapist [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:32 PM Flag
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that is crazy. that could be years. they could get to mom's "friend" in the meantime [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:14 PM Flag
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perhaps, but we're not talking about a divorce here. we're talking about the death of a parent. it's a little trickier [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:23 PM Flag
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I don't agree with this, I agree it should be serious, but I would think that the kids reaction to him will have some relationship to whether she wants to marry him. I would not wait that long to introduce. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:26 PM Flag
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I disagree. She should not base a decision to marry on her kids' reaction, which will in all likelihood be negative. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 01:33 PM Flag
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so to recap. I think it's good that they know you're seeing someone. let them get their brains around that fact. speak occasionally and briefly about your boyfriend but follow their lead. wait for them to say, so when are we going to meet this guy. as I said before, that would indicate to me an openness and result in a better outcome. if however, your relationship progresses more quickly than dcs ability to accept, then I strongly recommend counseling to help them deal with it...and it can get rocky [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 02:58 PM Flag
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I married someone 10 years younger than I am. My friends razzed me about it for a while, but stopped. His mother was none too pleased! I just shrugged all of it off. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.08, 03:05 PM Flag
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