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06.13.08, 19:03 PM General Topics
48 replies
Not even divorced yet (but soon)and my husband has moved on and moved in with his new girlfriend who is pregnant, we have been separted for over a year and a half, I don't know what to tell my kids about any of this. Any advice? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.13.08, 07:03 PM Flag
 

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Isnt it up to him to tell his kids? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:04 PM Flag
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how old are the kids? Do they know the girlfriend is pregnant? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:04 PM Flag
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no [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:09 PM Flag
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Then everyone is right. It's for dh to explain. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:10 PM Flag
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i assume they know you're getting divorced. beyond that, let your ex deal with it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:05 PM Flag
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we haven't talked to them about the divorce they just know that Daddy lives somewhere else. He still comes to our house to visit them, he hasn't had them stay with him yet. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:11 PM Flag
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Your kids are 6 and 11 and they don't know you're getting divorced? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:12 PM Flag
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NP: the 11 y/o must know, he's not saying anything b/c he doesn't want to upset OP, but he knows something is up. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:14 PM Flag
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i'm betting the 6 yo knows too. and i woudn't be suprised if the two of them talk about it. i was 7 when my parents moved cross country. they somehow forgot to tell me about it. i knew something was up. enough to be worried and scared. but i didn't know enough to realize that my life was about to change. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:18 PM Flag
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what happened - your parents deserted you and moved cross country?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:19 PM Flag
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oh.. .no sorry. we all moved. they just never told me the move was going to happen. i knew something was going on but coudln't figure out what. then one day, a truck came. carted away all our things. and we drove across country and moved into a new house, new school, etc. i had no idea. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:21 PM Flag
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NP: I think what the OP should do is get herself and her soon to be ex in front of the kids by themselves and tell them about the divorce. Sooner rather than later. Then the dad can carry on with the rest of the story, at another time. But the kids should be told by both parents of the divorce [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:21 PM Flag
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a very good point. i wrote below about telling the kids and preparing them that both parents may find other partners. but i agree that it's prob best for both parents to tell them at the same time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:24 PM Flag
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They are already apart. They don't live together. If they have not already discussed what that means with the kids, that would be very strange. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:24 PM Flag
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The kids should hear from both parents at the same time what the official status is, even if they've already been living apart, etc. Kids need certainty. This will solve the question of their parents, at least. Then they will have to move on to sorting out the new sibling [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:27 PM Flag
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how recently have you decided to get divorced. i'll tell you, kids know more than you think. they see and hear things and will put together things for themselves. far better for them to hear it from you. bc what they put together may not be entirely correct. they may also feel very out of control and not know how to ask what's going on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:14 PM Flag
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OP: Agree, we seeemed to be doing fine with the situation while separated and needed to be separated a year anyway, so we did not file right at the year mark, but we have since. Yes, I'm sure they realize we are getting divorced at least my older one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:19 PM Flag
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i think you can talk to them about the divorce. what may or may not happen. how you feel about it. perhaps even mention that you and your ex may find other people to live their lives with (along with the but we'll always love you, etc stuff). then let your ex introduce his gf. that is soemthing he shoudl do for many reasons. how has he been as far as giving your kids attention? are you worried he'll sort of "drop" them once he moves in with the gf and esp when she has the baby? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:23 PM Flag
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Not your job to tell kids, should leave it to him to break the news of his rather poor behavior. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:06 PM Flag
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I don't know whose job it is to tell them, they haven't met her yet. They are 6 and 11. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:08 PM Flag
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np it's a tough one. on the one hand, i can see you woudln't want your dc to find out last minute in some messed up, shocking way. on the other, it's really your ex's issue and he shoul dhandle it if he doesnt' want it to effect his relationship with his kids too badly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:10 PM Flag
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i will work w/latter part of your reply then - who's job is it to make the introduction to the mistress? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:10 PM Flag
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she is not a mistress [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:12 PM Flag
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NP: yes she is. They're still married [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:14 PM Flag
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I don't think by any commonly understood measure of the antiquated word mistress you would call the live in, pregnant lover of a soon to be divorced man a mistress [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:15 PM Flag
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Look, I'm the poster, I don't care if she's called a misress or home wrecker, I don't consider that our situation. If I had met someone in the last year who I liked I would pursue that,I don't care that he has found someone else and he is happy , my concern is my children, and how to explain this, that's all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:17 PM Flag
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if he's not divorced yet, she's a mistress in the old fashioned sense of the word. in a really really old fashioned world, that child would be considered illegitimate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:15 PM Flag
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if the parents are unmarried ta the time of the childs birth [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:16 PM Flag
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not if they marry before the dc is born [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:16 PM Flag
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OP: well they can't get married until we are divorced and that will be hopefully in the next couple of months, she's got to be at least 6 months pregnant, so I doubt they will marry that soon even if they legally could. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:25 PM Flag
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just don't be surprised if they get married the day after your divorce is final. Seems like you have some blinders on here [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:34 PM Flag
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op: maybe they will marry the day after we divorce, do you think anything would suprise me at this point? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:36 PM Flag
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You seem so blind about what your kids may or may not understand or know or be guessing at. Also you just said you didn't think they'd get married too soon. I think you still might be in shock. Just a random thought [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:38 PM Flag
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who says mistress anymore? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:34 PM Flag
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please, some people here must be living in th 50's...nobody says mistress, they say whore. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:40 PM Flag
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well, I can understand introducing a new person, but I'm more worried about the fact that they have a sibling and what that means to them. I expected him and I to move on, it's been a dead end marriage for years I just didn't expect for him to jump right into a family situation so soon, but she is in her late 30's or early 40's so I'm sure that was a factor. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:14 PM Flag
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You want to tell the kids because you're pissed off at your almost ex. Don't do it. They don't even know her or the situation. If they ask about something specific, talk to them, but try to keep your own issues out of it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:15 PM Flag
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ita [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:18 PM Flag
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No, I don't want to tell the kids, I'm just wondering if anyone has had this experience. I know it's my husband's job to tell them, but they are eventually going to meet her and their brother or sister and come home and ask me a bunch of questions, I REALLY would not have a clue how to answer. I'm still trying to figure out how to explain the divorce. I need help! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:23 PM Flag
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What kind of questions are you anticipating? It seems very straightforward. New baby. Done. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:24 PM Flag
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np there must be books on this. or perhaps a counselor for you or all of you. it's tough and i wish you much luck. how are you doing with all this? from your posts, it sounds like you're very even handed nad not overly emotional. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:25 PM Flag
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Whats to tell? When he is ready he will talk to them. They will have a new family. When they have questions they will ask. Its actually quite simple. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:20 PM Flag
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np i can only imagine you have never been in a situation like this. i haven't either. but it doesn't seem simple to me at all. leaving kids to figure this stuff out for themselves or when the questions arise is probably not the way to go. i think kids need preparation. a lot of it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:27 PM Flag
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OP: Yes, well I am anxious about it, I'm sure it will work out ok, I just wanted some advice, maybe someone's BTDT and can share some info. I know the two of us haven't handled this too well, it's not because we dont want to, it's because we really are lacking the skills and experience. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:32 PM Flag
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NP: you really need to open up with the kids about the divorce. You and H meet with them and say the word out loud to the kids and say it's happening soon and add all the reassurances about you both still loving them, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:36 PM Flag
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may i just suggest talking to a counselor. there are so many resources that can help you. google it. call places. etc. i'm sure there are countless books on it too. there's definitely helo out there for you, i'm just not sure here is the right place. you know? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:41 PM Flag
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thanks, you are right, just wanted some feed back and to talk about this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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i hear you. you just never know what you get here. i do wish you much luck, tho. it's a lot to deal with. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.13.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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