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06.11.08, 19:10 PM General Topics
41 replies
My husband is having a mid-life crisis about moving out of the city. I don't know how to help him. He is defined by the city and cannot get over the horror of moving to the burbs. It's getting ridiculous. What can I do? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.11.08, 07:10 PM Flag
 

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stay? move to a good zone and reapply? why move to the burbs if its that important to him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:12 PM Flag
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Cannot afford the city -- or rather, cannot tolerate the lack of space in the city with 2 kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:14 PM Flag
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ah...well that is a different question. then I guess you are forcing your dh to move to a place he would hate for extra space. assuming your dcs are very young, I would just say that the space issue gets better as they get older and need less stuff. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:17 PM Flag
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so you made him move because of YOUR need of more space? did you guys discuss this thoroughly and came to agree on something? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 06:47 AM Flag
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where are you moving? we moved recently, i felt the same way for a few months, like i'd lost my identity, but then all of a sudden i felt so much better and now i don't look back at all. the city sucks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:15 PM Flag
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Thank you for your nice optimistic message! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:21 PM Flag
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Tell him he needs to make more money if he really wants to stay. Its pretty simple. NYC is an expensive place and affording the have kids here with a reasonable amount of space, schools, etc. is a LUXURY. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:20 PM Flag
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hey, I think OP should give up a little space and raise her family here. sort of unfair to make dh so miserable, and definitely unfair of you to put the responsibility for $$$ on her dh as if he's a failure of a man for not providing enough. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:28 PM Flag
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UB DWs are especially sexist. many SAHMs who feel their men should be the providers, and if they are not bringing home the big bucks, they have no say and are punished and moved to the burbs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:41 PM Flag
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so true. for all their leftist politics, for Ubers, feminism has gone by the wayside. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:57 PM Flag
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the OP is a worthless sack of sh!t. doesn't bring in a penny to the house, has high expectations about setting the rules. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 08:43 AM Flag
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except that we have no idea how little space she is talking. maybe we're talking a really small apartment [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 08:52 AM Flag
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Brooklyn baby... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:22 PM Flag
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No Brooklyn. Just can't do it. Just as expensive as the city and more inconvenient. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:26 PM Flag
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wow! your DH is going to hate you one day if he doesn't already [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:29 PM Flag
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OMG are you kidding? She's right. The commute is just as long as from many real suburbs where you get some grass and a real house. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 06:42 AM Flag
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Name a real suburb where you get grass and a spacious house and the commute to wall street area is less than half an hour. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 08:57 AM Flag
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Can you move to Queens or Bkyln so it's a good compromise for both? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 07:27 PM Flag
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I'm on his side. Why do you need to move? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 06:36 AM Flag
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Saying they live in the city props up many a person's ego. It is tough to meet someone for the first time and tell them you live in NJ. But it is so freeing to let go of the striving and just relax. After dinner last night I took my kids for a bike ride around the neighborhood for 20 minutes. So easy and pleasant. Pick a suburb that's close enough to the city that you actually can spend a lot of time there. Like Montclair. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 06:41 AM Flag
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you may need to listen to him - it will NOT be worth the extra space if he is miserable and has less time with dcs because of commuting. I have btdt - we left for 4 years because it is what we thought we 'should' do - misery - hard on our marriage; we are back now and relish every day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 06:53 AM Flag
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This was our experience too. (except I did the commuting, not dh). its miserable. We're back. I also don't think city living needs to mean "striving". Live within your means, and learn to be happy with what you have. But for me that def means in the city! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 08:11 AM Flag
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I also think that when you honestly budget everything out... living in the city is not that much/any more expensive. It is just different things you spend your money on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 08:54 AM Flag
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you people are so funny. yes, when you compare the city to the UB approved suburbs, then it's probably equally as expensive, but there are many places all over the tri-state area where it is much, much cheaper to live in the suburbs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 08:58 AM Flag
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Only if you compare them to the UB UWS/UES rat race. I live in a middle class neighborhood in Brooklyn. My housing costs are less than my suburban relatives (by the time you factor in their property taxes, etc.) My transportation costs are $81/month. I have no car payment. And I am less than twenty minutes door to door to Wall St. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:06 AM Flag
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Depending what kind of housing you live in Brooklyn, your condo maintenance costs could be very high in comparison to regular home maintenance costs in a suburb. It's not a black or white issue. Everyone is jumping all over the OP when none of us have the facts about their apt. size vs. the size of the suburban home they want, where dh works, schooling situation. There's a lot to consider. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:16 AM Flag
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We have a two family home. There are no maintenance fees. Just the mortgage and the kind of stuff you would have anywhere. With the added bonus of rental income which pays about 40% of the mortgage. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:20 AM Flag
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That's great for you. Not everyone in Brooklyn has this situation, not everyone is cut out to be a landlord. I live in Jersey City and have 2 tenants above me, I have a lot of space and don't feel the need to go to the suburbs. But many of the people I know through my kids can't afford the kind of space they need w/ growing families anywhere but the suburbs. And everyone jumping all over this OP like she's making crazy demands is just silly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:24 AM Flag
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If OP had just said, "Thinking about moving to the burbs..." I would have said nothing. But she called her husband "ridiculous", said he was having a "mid-life crisis", and is presenting this as if he has no right to not want to leave the city. I think that several people here are trying to point out that between a closet in Gramercy Park and a ranch in Suffolk County there is a lot of in between. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:30 AM Flag
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oh absolutely there is a lot of in between, but OP sounds very frustrated and gave no details about their current situation. Everyone is jumping all over her, but perhaps her DH really is being ridiculous. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:34 AM Flag
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I'll defer until she posts back. I just find her choice of vocabulary telling. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:37 AM Flag
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^^^ Sorry, wanted a hard return not to post yet.... I think it is fair to say that parts of this thread are more global than just OP's original post. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:21 AM Flag
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we moved to a small city in the south - 2 cars, lawn guy, country club, misc. house crap each month - it all adds up; plus we would have done private school there and are now doing public - when you factor that in it is definitley almost a wash for us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:21 AM Flag
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Which is exactly the point that a few of us are making here. Cost of living in nyc CAN be really high. But if you live practically (don't get me wrong, I have a great life and do lots of fun stuff) if you live practically, you don't need to make seven figures to be happy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:24 AM Flag
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np: right but you can live practically in the suburbs too and forgo some extras like country club memberships. And still save lots of money in comparison to your city lifestyle, and maybe just enjoy a little more space to spread out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:27 AM Flag
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In all honesty, while you could gain space -- I don't think you would save "lots of money" in comparison with my city lifestyle. Granted, I bought my home at the perfect time in the NYC housing market -- Mid 2001 -- but not having to have two car payments, two car insurances, sky high property taxes, etc. The difference is not so big. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:34 AM Flag
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And perhaps, you are only thinking of the approved UB suburbs that have sky high property taxes. I wouldn't move to a suburb w/ crazy taxes. I know someone who lives in Tenafly and pays $40K in taxes - I wouldn't choose that, but there are other places I would choose if I had make a decision to cut expenses and live in the suburbs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:40 AM Flag
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My brother and SIL moved to burbs ten years ago for space and grass. He is gone before they get up, home to put them to bed (if lucky), and spends half his Saturday mowing the lawn, etc. Funny thing is, she bitches more than him about how much she hates the burbs/misses the city. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 08:48 AM Flag
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I'm w/ dh. I want short commute and time with family. I don't want more space to clean, heat, and maintain. My dcs have Riverside Park and Central Park as their backyard. I can't let them go unsupervised, but that means I spend more time w/ them. You need space in the suburbs to get away from each other. In the city, you have the entire city to entertain you outside your door. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 08:56 AM Flag
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I think that it really depends on the space we're talking. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 08:58 AM Flag
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First of all, stop defining your husband's very reasonable feelings as "ridiculous" or a "mid-life crisis" -- this kind of characterization does not help your argument. Maybe first, address what his issues are. Did you guys discuss this before you got married? had kids? etc? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.08, 09:00 AM Flag
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