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06.11.08, 11:21 AM Expecting
21 replies
POLL: Long story short, I have a difficult relationship with my mom and do not want her here visiting right after the birth of our third. I told her via e-mail that we'd be taking the first few days for ourselves and, as predicted, she retreated into silence. She's very victim mentality, so this is not new. So here's the question: She lives long distance, and her birthday is coming up. With a close family member not speaking to you, would you send something for their birthday as usual, send less or just a card, or ignore it entirely? I don't want to be vindictive, but nor do I want to engage in a way that will let her off the hook for refusing to engage with me to begin with. Please don't flame, I'm looking for thoughtful thoughts only please. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
Expecting 06.11.08, 11:21 AM Flag
 

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I would send card/gift as usual and extend the olive branch, but hold firm on no untimely visit. g.luck [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:23 AM Flag
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op: do I have to call? I really don't want to call. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:25 AM Flag
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np: i think you should call. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:27 AM Flag
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call [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:27 AM Flag
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o.r. I would extend the olive branch via the card...but that's me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:28 AM Flag
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I can imagine wanting to send less, but if she likes to escalate things, I would do what you usually do so she has no excuse for her behavior. Sorry you are having such stress right now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:23 AM Flag
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i'd still send a gift/card, but just be clear about the timing of visits. your mom sounds really childish (as is mine), so just treat her like a child. it sucks that you have to be the adult though. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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she is an adult [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:26 AM Flag
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my therapist suggested treating my mom like a new person who i'd never met (e.g., let go of the baggage, but keep at arm's length), and it really helped me deal with her. is that something that would help in your situation? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:28 AM Flag
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sending an e-mail about such an important issue is not "engaging" IMO. it's taking the easy way out at best, and passive-aggressive. she hasn't retreated into silence, she just didn't respond. don't ignore her birthday. and you should reach out to her about this. have a real conversation. there's nothing wrong with wanting those early times to yourself. just explain that and she'll have to deal with it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:26 AM Flag
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op: we'd been e-mailing back and forth on that and other things, and I felt I had to clarify and did. I don't see the passive part of passive-aggressive there at all. I was totally direct and not pretending to be otherwise. as for calling, she insists on screening all her calls, so you have to start speaking before she'll pick up the phone ... then you leave a message and half the time she doesn't call back, so you wonder if she got it ... she's actually the passive-aggressive one, and I'm just not playing the game anymore. thanks for the thoughts though. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:30 AM Flag
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^^^it has been my experience that e-mail is a really bad way to communicate with someone who often looks for the slight. my sister is like that and she can turn a perfectly innocuous comment into an attack [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:34 AM Flag
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op: this is very true. I choose e-mail because phone calls are even worse with her and 90% of the time turn downright explosive, since having me on the phone is when she can essentially hold me hostage in all manner of ways. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:36 AM Flag
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Do we have the same mom? I would send a card/gift, what you would normally do, but personally I probably would not call her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:27 AM Flag
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Why would you mirror her behavior? She's chosen not to speak to you (that is her choice). You proceed as normal. Do what ever it is that you would normally do (a card, an email, handmade crds from kids). No apologies, no begging for her attention. There is no need to let or not let her off the hook for her own decision not to communicate. It is not your job to parent/retrain her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:27 AM Flag
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^^^^^BTW, my guess is that the reason she engages you by disengaging is that it has been effective in the past. She probably feels pretty powerless in her own life. Again, not your problem, and you can certainly ask for a few days after the birth of a third child. Congrats on yourpg, btw. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:30 AM Flag
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op: yes, I believe she does feel powerless. when you say it's been effective in the past, you mean effective in that i've eventually reached out? that's probably true. ah, this is so exhausting. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:33 AM Flag
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no, not necessarily you...but that perhaps this was the only effective way she has found in getting her own way with others. Talking and keeping you ground (if it is reasonable) is not "giving in." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:35 AM Flag
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np: effective also in that it gets to you. I like someone else's suggestion about treating her like a person you just met. also remember that no matter how nuts she makes you, she's still your dcs' grandmother. and you need to model for them how you would want to be treated by them [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:37 AM Flag
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ita [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:31 AM Flag
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The greatest lesson I've learned from my dad is, "Don't let others define your behavior." If you would send your mother a birthday gift -- send her a gift. Once I started living this, life got so much easier. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.08, 11:34 AM Flag
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