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06.07.08, 19:41 PM General Topics
46 replies
Does this make sense....My husband makes a lot more than I do. But, he works a lot more (although I work full time), and I do essentially everything that needs to be taken care of. He says, however, that we can't live as if he makes the salary that he does (he's biglaw), because you never know when that salary won't be there. And, how I want to say let's decide how to spend "our" money, when really it's the money he makes. What do you think? I mean I know what I think, but is there ANYONE that agrees with him at all? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.07.08, 07:41 PM Flag
 

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Go to a reputable financial advisor together (since he's not listening to you). He/she will explain how much you should save, put away for retirement, etc., to have enough for emergencies. And he's an ass for saying it's his money so he gets to decide how to spend it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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op: he won't do that. i have asked him before. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:45 PM Flag
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He sounds amazingly arrogant. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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of course not. for me, this would mean the end of the relationship. how do you feel? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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op: i feel like it's the end of the relationship. the problem, of course, is that we have 2 children, and everyone says you need to do everything to work it out. but, if this is the way he feels, what can i do to work it out? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:49 PM Flag
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Is there someone he respects who would be on your side, tell him he's being an ass. His dad? His mom? (I'm guessing, though, from how he's acting, that his mom will back him 100%.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:55 PM Flag
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his mom will back him 100%. his mother has NO idea how much he makes. his mother said, "well, now that you've said you will give her a joint account and contribute more, she should be happy." i thought for sure his family would tell him he's being an ass, but they're not. and they don't have money. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:57 PM Flag
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you can say that you are considering ending the relationship. you can give him ultimatuums- that you believe in!- like, i will need to do X in this situation (as long as you can carry it out). okay...here is how to start...use SET(support, empathy, truth) "i understand that it must be very difficult for you to make most of the money in the house and i understand it must be very difficult thinking that you may never know when your salary won't be there (empathy). and i support you in the work that you do (support) and I do not think the is fair, i think that the money we spend is our money and if we don't collectively think differently about this, we are going to need to do something about it (truth) go from there. if he does not change his tune in that conversation, then i suggest you read a book called, 'walking on eggshells" or 'stop walking on eggshells" not sure which. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:55 PM Flag
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i did that. i'm about to leave. this is where we are. he will give me more money for expenses. he thinks that's fair. i literally posted this right after he said what i said because i'm trying to find any reason to stay other than that i need to KEEP trying [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:58 PM Flag
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do you feel like it is sometimes 'crazy talk' with him? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:59 PM Flag
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i feel like i'm going crazy if that's what you mean - i feel like, i can't even believe i'm having some of these conversations, if that's what you mean [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:01 PM Flag
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does he keep on switching on you, like you can't pin hiim down??? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:02 PM Flag
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i'm not sure. he does switch his tune a little in therapy. and, he does waiver between sad and angry [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:04 PM Flag
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if you are not sure, then it could be. i think that you are being....sorry to say....but....abused.....subtley,....but insideously. again, i think he is narcissist. there may not be much you could do. except save some money on the side. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:11 PM Flag
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your awsome and can be my therapist anyday! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:00 PM Flag
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???do you have problems i can fix? are you op? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:06 PM Flag
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op: no, because i'm OP [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:09 PM Flag
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I think anyone who lives just a little below their means is smart. But just within reason. Doesn't sound like he's literally calling it "his" money, but you just feel that it is. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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op: um, no, he literally calls it his money. it's his. it's all separate. if it wasn't, he would still feel this way [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:48 PM Flag
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NP: it shouldn't be separate. What's with that? And you pay all the bills on your salary? How is this even close to being an equal partnership [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:51 PM Flag
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op: it's not an equal partnership. that's why i'm 99 percent out the door. literally. i don't pay all the bills. we split them 50/50. now, though, he says he will contribute more. but, the kinds of expenses i want to incur, or the new place i want to live, or if i want to do work, etc., etc., will be up to him (ultimately). he won't sit down with me and go over finances with me, because to him that means spending his money, when he doesn't know what kind of money he will have NEXT year. i mean, i sort of understand that, but not to this extreme. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:54 PM Flag
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Oh, I thought differently because you said "really it's the money he makes." I make a lot more than my Dh and even though I would never outright call it "my money" I really do feel like I have more say over it than he does. That's just how it is. And if he decided to really increase our spending it would put a lot of pressure on me. But I do think the financial advisor idea is a good one. Sorry your DH won't do it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:54 PM Flag
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I'm the poster above and just read your 99 percent out the door post, and understand he's sort of beyond reason. You can't be married and keep things that seperate. Sorry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:56 PM Flag
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wait....you are the one who makes more money AND you said I can't keep things separate? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:00 PM Flag
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np i think those are two different people/. the first one is wrong@!!!!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:01 PM Flag
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No, I am the same person. I originally thought op's DH was just a cautious earner, but when I read more of her post, he sounds overly possesive. Even though deep down, I can't help but think of it as "my money" I don't say it, we've got shared accounts, and we discuss our financial goals. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:05 PM Flag
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op: thank you. because, really, i know it's his money. i do. i just want to have shared financial goals. and i want to spend more money than we do, even if he earns it - [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:07 PM Flag
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it's NOT HIS money. it is YOUR money. and a court of law would agree with me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:12 PM Flag
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Would a court of law rule that she needs, say, a beach house? Or to spend $4k more a month on housing? (sorry op, not saying these are your demands...just making a point.) Financial decisions in a marriage aren't black and white. The real issue here is that he won't discuss. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:15 PM Flag
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you are crazy! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:57 PM Flag
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but, the kind of money i'm asking him to spend, won't put him in the poorhouse. he would just need to live like someone who makes 500k a year maybe, instead of 200k a year, when really he makes 1 million a year [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:03 PM Flag
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i am a p[oster above. and i don;t think it is about the money at all. it is about the control he has over you. what do you think? is that possible? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:05 PM Flag
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op: i think it is about control - definitely, but i also think it's about control he has with respect to money issues. somewhere in there, it's about control [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:06 PM Flag
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well, then i think you should read my suggestions that i posted here about the book called, 'the search for the real self" or you could read a book about confidence (even if you are confident!) called, "tongue fu" by sam horn. it talks about many different situationsa nd ways you can approach it and if your relationship is even salvagable. (spelling???) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:09 PM Flag
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op: i'm not confident. ok. thanks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:10 PM Flag
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read both books. i have written a lot of different responses here and you are in a tough situation that i have been in in the past. (how has your relationship been with your own mother?) and that you are right in thinking the way you are, that it is not right. i think you are subtley being abued (which, i know, is a hard word to take). get some reading done, get some of that money put away for yourself in a separate account, see a therapist on your own so that you can speak very openly. are you in NYC? if so, look up james masterson's web site and find a therapist through him. i hate acronyms, but btdt! and it is hard to get out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:17 PM Flag
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are you still there? did you get out? i have money saved. i am ready to go, but having a hard time. WHY? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 09:29 PM Flag
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Are those the real numbers? Hey, go for 300K, then, and be happy! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:05 PM Flag
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op: those are REAL numbers. that's what i'm saying. i would be happy at 200k if we were a partnership. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:08 PM Flag
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I understand. If he grew up without money, maybe he does have some money issues, but he needs to get over it. Does he give a reason for refusing to work with a financial adviser? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:12 PM Flag
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Ok, here is my input (np), in this order. First, you are married and you should each have an equal say in how the money is spent. However, second as a person myself who makes a lot of money, but didn't come from money, I know what it feels like to never really "comfortable" living the lifestyle you can actually afford, but always in the back of your mind you know you might not always have that. Third, as the person in our family who earns the most and definately bears the brunt of the heavy lifing financially I feel a lot of responsibility for our choices and that it often very scary because it makes you feel trapped. Finally, also as a lawyer muself, I dream of quitting every day and know that if i did my family would be in jeapordy and that is a very...suffocating feeling sometimes and the idea of making myself even more wedded to my job by more financial responsibilty would be upsetting to me. However, finally, I will reiterate, that you are married and should make these decsions jointly and he should not consider it is HIS money, but you should be a little more understaning of the pressure he might be feeling. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 09:33 PM Flag
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he doesn't live a little below his means. he lives SIGNIFICANTLY below his means. i think. he has a nice apt. but it's already paid for. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:50 PM Flag
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OP, i really think your husband is a narcissist. you may want to read some books on that..."walking on eggshells" and "the search for the real self" by james masterson. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 07:58 PM Flag
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are there any saving graces to this man? good parent? good lover? sense of humor? did you know that he was a skinflint before you married him? I think you need to look at the relationship as a whole before you end it over this money thing. You're in therapy with him. How is that going? I'm searching for positives because you have two kids, because I'm also an atty and believe that a lot of attys are going to lose their jobs in the next year. So I agree with his decision to be cautious. But his insistence that he has more of a say in disposition of hhi b/c he is a high-earner is awful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 08:48 PM Flag
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He's right. You never know when you are going to lose your job, when bonuses/dividends will shrink significantly, or when you will be ill/disabled and earning less. It is a good practice to live on less than you earn and bank a good portion of your income. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.08, 09:53 PM Flag
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This will cripple your relationship if you don't take care of it. It's not the money that's the issue here, it's the control. If you don't have a say in how your finances are managed then you're putting yourself and your children in a dangerous position. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.08, 02:02 AM Flag
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