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06.04.08, 19:42 PM General Topics
42 replies
Ugh - after 18 y of marriage I have made many concessions. I never ask dh to attend a parent/teacher conf, school picnic, etc. Dc performing in a program or a graduation is about the extent of things I tell dh he needs to attend. He acts like he's the only father who even puts forth this effort. Tonight was oldest dc's 8th grade graduation - big event in the high school auditorium and dance to follow. Dh arrived at 5:10 for the 5:00 graduation, brought reading material in, got up and left the min it was over - leaving me with other dc to find oldest, congrat, and be a part of the gathering outside. When I get home, dh says, "how was I tonight." and I told him I was confused that he just left at the end. He said "it was over. I can't believe that you are complaining when I was there. you've forgotten what it's like to have to work." he went home after the grad - not back to work. Now he is furious that I complained [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.04.08, 07:42 PM Flag
 

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that's tough. my dad was like that, I needed therapy [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:43 PM Flag
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was your mom great? I really hope that my parenting will make it ok for dc [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:51 PM Flag
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You married him. Congrats [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:43 PM Flag
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that's helpful [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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WOW. I could NOT deal with that. What is wrong with him? Doesnt he WANT to be there for his kids? Just showing up is not enough - its about the hugs and pride afterwards [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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I know - and he actually expected me to be thrilled that he "fought traffic and left early" to be there [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:45 PM Flag
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I hate to say this, but have you considered leaving? What are you getting out of this relationship? Sounds very sad to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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of course I have, but we've moved 5 times in the last 12 years and that alone has been so hard on dc. to think of adding a divorce to that seems cruel [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:50 PM Flag
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going through the divorce is hard. Afterwards is great. YOu will meet someone new and be happy. Maybe your jerk husband will meet someone new and he will be out of your hair - then there wont be a fight after every event [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:53 PM Flag
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I do think I would be happy, but another huge transition for dc seems wrong [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:56 PM Flag
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That's lousy. Why does he have no interest in his kids? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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Just thinking. Perhaps if you had made him attend p/t conferences and school picnics, etc, he would have more skin in the game [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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STOP. This is NOT her fault. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:45 PM Flag
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It sort of is. If she didn't emphasize how important all that stuff was early on, why should DH find it important? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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You are totally wrong - I did all that in the beginning - we've been parents for 14 y [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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Why is it the wifes job to emphasize this stuff? A Dad should be naturally excited about coming to his kids events. It should not even be a question. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:49 PM Flag
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absolutely totally agree [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:50 PM Flag
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Most dads would be excited, but for the few who are not, they need to be told [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:56 PM Flag
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Why should she have to emphasize it? He cant figure it out that this stuff is important? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:50 PM Flag
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and he should WANT to be there - not have to be told or explained to why he needs to be there [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:50 PM Flag
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If he wanted to do that stuff - he would --- if he is not interested to this degree, then she cannot change that [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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I tried in the beginning -that's why I said I have made concessions. It wasn't worth his attitude there. I found it easier to make things special for dc without him than with him - I have excluded him for their sake oddly enought [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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I understand. Have no guilt about that. This problem stems from him, not you or anything you did [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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thanks for your words. I think over and over about choices I could have made differently. But I cherish dc and would never undo it all in hindsight [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:57 PM Flag
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He sounds like a total jerk. I'm a WOHM mom and I would never behave like that. So selfish. Sorry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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what does he do? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:45 PM Flag
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he's in top management of a food company. he works 7:30-6:00 everyday - no weekends, no long hours. And he runs 8 miles during his lunch hour (he takes more) everyday [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:48 PM Flag
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thats not terrible. its not like he is an er doc on call [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:50 PM Flag
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I know - he has a great schedule considering that he is paid very well [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:52 PM Flag
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Do your kids feel bad about his behavior? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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it's really all they know. they are all boys and I try very hard to show them how to be a good dh and father w/o putting dh down. very hard to do [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:53 PM Flag
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I make a lot of concessions to my DH, too. We've been married 10 years and it's ridiculous. The more you give, the more they expect. But at least my DH's probs are directed at me. He's a (mostly) great dad. Sorry and good luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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thanks - I'm doing the best I can and often question what is best- who knows if the decisions I've made are best for dc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:55 PM Flag
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Have you asked him why he thinks that he shouldnt come to these things? There are SO many Dads involved in schools now - they ALL work - at my dc's school, the 2 class parents are dads, there are more dads at events than moms sometimes - every dad works [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:55 PM Flag
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I have, but those conversations don't really go anywhere. I'm beyond thinking he'll change. But to be mad at me - when my expectations are so minimal is absurd [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 07:58 PM Flag
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what a sh!thead. How does your son feel about him? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 08:06 PM Flag
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apathetic, maybe. it is what he knows [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 08:08 PM Flag
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Sorry but maybe you have enabled him. Have you talked to him? Has your daughter? She is in 8th grade, maybe if it came from her- dad i was looking for you,where did you go? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 08:12 PM Flag
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I have enabled it only because when he is present he tends to spoil the events. And when this happens over and over, then taking him out of the equation has been my solution - not sure that it is the right solution. Ds doesn't get upset about the lack of dh involvment - I do [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.08, 08:16 PM Flag
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If you're aware that you married a complete prick then you might be best off giving up on expecting him to change. I'm sure his other good qualities make up for this shortcoming. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.08, 01:30 AM Flag
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I think a lot of us can't imagine our spouses (male or female) behaving this way. Many of us have to work outside of the home, in the home, or do a ton of work as full time caretakers for our families. Using having to work as an excuse for poor parenting and lousy social skills isn't acceptable, not for anyone. I could just as well say to my husband, "Sorry, I'm too busy doing laundry to come to your company picnic." Or his mother's birthday, or a movie he's interested in, or any number of events. But I don't, and he doesn't beg off or leave early from events that are important to me. I can relate to him being uncomfortable at school functions; they can be rather boring, irritating, and numbing. That being said: The bastard needs to tough it out. Life is full of mandatory activities that absolutely bore the hell out of us, but we do them anyway because they're meaningful to others. If he can't get it together to feign in interest in kiddy events (and those aren't that hard to make it through, really... dude could be making you giggle and flirting with you during them if he had some sense) then he's on the road to being that crotchety old prick in the nursing home who receives no visits from his children. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.08, 12:52 AM Flag
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Sounds like your kids are the one who are suffering. Don't think that they will forget your dh's behavior. He is really damaging them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.08, 04:41 AM Flag
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