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Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

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Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

[ - ] Hunter high school cut off is out now. ELA: 627 Math: 628 GL! 37 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
NY Schools 09.09.19, 01:35 PM Flag
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The ELA 627 score would only be applicable to computer-based tested students. Student who took a paper-based ELA test would have to get 629, since the next lowest score on that test is 625, which is below the cutoff. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:46 PM Flag
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Yes, I know. I was just pointing out that if a student took a paper-based test, it's not possible to get a 627 on the ELA. The lowest possible score on that test that would qualify is 629. Only students who took a computer-based test could get a 627. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 04:09 PM Flag
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Doesn't really matter--must have higher than 627 [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:54 PM Flag
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If you took the computer-based test, 627 is enough. It doesn't have to be higher. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 04:06 PM Flag
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Where is this computer versus paper scores visible? Link, please. Is there a site to see the score distribution and mapping to raw scores etc? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.17.19, 01:28 AM Flag
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Bummer, DC's Math is not high enough. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:08 PM Flag
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My son missed both by one question. That actually makes me happy because he struggled with ELA writing in 3rd and 4th and seems to have it figured out now. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:59 PM Flag
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What does this equate to in the decimals? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:21 PM Flag
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Can’t do it that way [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:35 PM Flag
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ELA seems to be higher than 4.1--math is even higher. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:03 PM Flag
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I was worried but my dc made it with a 634 which = 4.16 ELA (luckily math was a perfect score) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:04 PM Flag
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what's a perfect score in math? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:17 PM Flag
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at least, I think it's a perfect score= 649 [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:22 PM Flag
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wow [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:23 PM Flag
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can i ask a dumb tangential question? What the heck is the point of having two scoring systems -- the 6__ number and the 3.__ and 4.__? Why can't the state pick one and use it for everything instead of all this converting? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 05:28 PM Flag
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There are actually 3 scores: the number of questions correct, the 600 number which is a normed version of the percent correct, and the 3.x,4.x number which is politically decided to make big announcements as to how many kids are at/above grade standards. This is why the percentage correct needed to get a 3 (or 4) is different for every grade and year. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 08:55 PM Flag
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To be more precise, NY State decides what should be the level 3 and level 4 proficiency cutoffs, and they express the cutoffs in terms of the 6__ scaled scores. NY City then translates each student's scale score into a 3.__ or 4.__ number to give parents an idea of what their child's score means in terms of the proficiency ratings. For example, a 3.5 means that a child's scale score is half way between the level 3 and level 4 cutoffs. A 4.25 means that her scale score is half way between the level 4 cutoff and a perfect score. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:53 PM Flag
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Is there any point to apply if we don't plan to prep? DC got disappointed with mark Twain last year, it seems the Russian kids spend all summer in prep academies. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:06 PM Flag
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My dc got in without prepping [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:21 PM Flag
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BS [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 04:02 PM Flag
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Nope--well, dc did the practice test posted on the Hunter website. That's it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:05 PM Flag
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that's what we called "PREP" [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:40 PM Flag
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BS. Prep is a tutor, a class. Taking one or two practice tests is familiarizing kid to format. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.11.19, 06:18 PM Flag
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I would try even if you don't prep. I know plenty of kids who got in and didn't prep and a lot who prepped and got shut out. Is your child a good/creative writer? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:26 PM Flag
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Yes, she is. I guess I need to learn more the admissions process. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:40 PM Flag
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np: Apply. We didn't really prep (a few practice tests) and DC got in. I think being a strong writer is key. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.11.19, 06:22 PM Flag
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Of course you try. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:27 PM Flag
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if my kid got a 618 in ELA, how many questions did he miss to miss the 627 cutoff? Yes, i like to torture myself for fun [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:17 PM Flag
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guessing 3-4? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:22 PM Flag
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If he got 618, he got 36 out of 44 questions correct. He would have needed 39 correct to make the cutoff. See the "NYS 2019_ELA5_Paper" tab here: http://www.p12.nysed.gov/irs/ela-math/2019/2019-raw-score-scale-score-conversion-chart-paper-based.xlsx . [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 04:13 PM Flag
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thank you! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 05:23 PM Flag
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How do you link to this on the website? Why ELA5? What about the other tabs, my son's score matches one another tab with different "correct" answers. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.17.19, 01:12 PM Flag
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See the links in the post up above. "ELA5" refers to the 5th grade ELA test, "Math7" refers to the 7th grade math test, etc. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.17.19, 01:52 PM Flag
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Thanks. Without this link. I can't seem to find a way to this excel. Almost like a hidden secret door. Where is the official link that navigates to this excel? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.20.19, 11:47 AM Flag
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It's on this webpage: http://www.p12.nysed.gov/irs/ela-math/ . Scroll down to the section on Raw Score to Scale Score Conversion Charts. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.20.19, 02:47 PM Flag
[ - ] Follow-up to my post over the weekend about the stupid fight with DH regarding taking DC to lunch. Thank you to all who responded- you made some great points. DH sent me a text this morning (see below). Could you please help me with a response? My initial reaction is to feel sorry for him, but I don't want to be manipulated. 127 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:16 PM Flag
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op: this was the text- "Jane, sometimes I say the wrong thing and I feel like I did that this weekend. I'm really trying. You said Saturdays are your worst days and that makes me really sad. I'm hurting here- really struggling." [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:17 PM Flag
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I can't even imagine what to write back. If my DH sent me that, I'd say "thank you. love you." and then drop it. Sounds like this is an ongoing thing... not sure why you feel manipulated. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:21 PM Flag
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THIS! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:27 PM Flag
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NP. If this guy is like my ex, the big gooey "sorry" moment is definitely part of the manipulation. If she's up, he kicks her down. If she's down, he boosts her up. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:38 PM Flag
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I wonder how many people with healthy marriages are typifying this as abuse? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:58 PM Flag
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Totally disagree. Have you seen the earlier threads from this OP ? This guy isn’t just “saying the wrong thing” sometimes. His behavior is controlling and he seems unstable - enough to be scary. These “apologies” are part of the cycle of abuse. This is manipulative, because he is doing it to prevent op from leaving him. Unfortunately, I know what I’m talking about. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:47 PM Flag
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op: yes, it is a cycle, unfortunately- constant cycle. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:54 PM Flag
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OP: There are a lot of women here who have had bad marriages. Keep listening, enjoy being a single mom. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:59 PM Flag
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because you aren't being abused [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:36 PM Flag
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THIS. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:58 PM Flag
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(1) He send that unsolicited and without further discussion? and (2) when did you say to him Saturdays were you worst day? I know fell like we are running a live can this marriage be saved column on UB. that is a pretty self aware and honest text. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:22 PM Flag
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op: we discussed his controlling nature a lot yesterday and he said he was moving out, etc. Then seemed to regret saying that overnight. Yesterday I said Saturdays are my worst days because there is always a fight and I dread his bad moods. I have tried to placate him/keep the peace for years but now I am trying to be as honest as possible. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:25 PM Flag
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Good that you were honest. i think you need to see if he is willing to work on himself and you as a result of your honesty. i would do a session of couples therapy where you make it clear that he needs to get help for his anxiety (which is what seems to be causing his controlling nature from what I have read of your posts). [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:29 PM Flag
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op: thanks. He started therapy 6 months ago which was a huge step since he was previously resistant. I don't know how much they focus on his anxiety since he doesn't like to share about it. I know he's opposed to medication. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:37 PM Flag
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He sounds like he's under tremendous stress and has no way to release it. What is your financial situation? Since so much of this discord is focused on money, sounds to me like he's really worried. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:01 PM Flag
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Saturdays are when he is finally releasing that stress. Instead of taking your kid out to lunch, get a sitter, go out to lunch with him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:00 PM Flag
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THIS. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:59 PM Flag
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Saying the wrong thing is different from being a controlling asshole. Tell him if he is really struggling to go get some help. He's playing the victim. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:26 PM Flag
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This x1,000. He is making this about him and is trying to guilt OP. Now he is hurt and OP has to feel sorry about that. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:29 PM Flag
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op: yes, so this is what I started thinking after I read it a few times...it feels like he is playing the victim a bit. He is currently seeing a therapist once per week. Last night he was walking around the apartment angrily slamming doors, slamming drawers shut, and it made me feel like he may be unstable. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:30 PM Flag
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He totally is but calling him out or focusing on that will do nothing good, so let it go. But try to focus on the part where he is trying, tell him you appreciate his effort. Make a plan for next Saturday and commit to having a good day. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:34 PM Flag
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op: okay. Thanks. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:36 PM Flag
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I say take the kid be gone all day Saturday. From sunrise to sunset. Let him have a taste of life. Find fun stuff. Go out to eat breakfast, playground or museum, lunch, see a movie dinner. Then home. Gone all day no text no talk. Tell him Friday night you are taking Saturday for yourself. No ifs ands or buts [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:48 PM Flag
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pp. That is all fine but it's a short term solution. OP cannot be and should not have to be out of her own home all day to avoid an unpleasant spouse. She and her DH have to find a balance where they can spend most of the day together peacefully. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:55 PM Flag
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NP: When my husband is stressed, I'll say: Take the day to yourself. I'm bringing home some Chinese. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:03 PM Flag
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How much fun time is DH getting? Do OP and DH ever go out and have a good day together? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:02 PM Flag
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This. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:02 PM Flag
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Any man who writes like this is either heartfelt or psychopath. I’m guessing former. Dear husband, thank you for reaching out. I appreciate your words. I love you. There is something going on and you really need to grab it by the horns and fix it. Life is short. I want to happy together. I don’t want to argue. Please don’t take this wrong, but I can’t be your therapist, whipping boy, doctor etc. I want to be your wife, lover, co parent. Please do what you need to do. Find the right help to be the kind loving wonderful loving husband and dad I know you can be. If in six months no improvement leave his ass [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:43 PM Flag
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No. This is a classic pattern in abusive relationships. Like textbook. It is not “heartfelt”. Op doesn’t have to pander to him. And six more months is a long time, this isn’t new behavior. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:50 PM Flag
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Who are you? Where did you get your degree? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:52 PM Flag
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PP: I left an abusive man ten years ago and am doing much better now, thank you. It’s a different life. I now volunteer 2x a month at a shelter for abused women and their children in south Brooklyn, and have received training because of that. Who are you and where did you get your training ? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:05 PM Flag
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You have heard one side. You don’t know these people. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:36 PM Flag
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And you do ? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:40 PM Flag
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Discord over money isn't "abuse". [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:04 PM Flag
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np. I lived with a DH like that and every excuse felt like washing with machine oil - you are supposed to feel better after the apology, but it never felt right and you end my even more guilty and confused. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:06 PM Flag
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^^end up [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:08 PM Flag
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He is abusive, she has posted thread after thread after thread. GTFO with this "where did you get your degree" crap. He is following the classic cycle of domestic abuse. http://www.center4research.org/cycle-domestic-violence/ [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:35 PM Flag
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This is discord about money, not abuse. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:05 PM Flag
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This. Dh isn't as bad that is exactly stuff he tried to pull on me and it took me a while to realize. And it was astonishing to see him try to do that to 5-6yo DD and tell her how she hurt his feelings after he got her upset about something and she yelled at him. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:57 PM Flag
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Yep, give her some tips on being a divorcee while you're at it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:04 PM Flag
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He is an asshole who is abusive. Don't talk if you haven't read her threads. He is controlling and abusive and it is on going. She needs a DV shelter, not to be told this shit. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:32 PM Flag
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Narcissists never change. OP can learn to live with him and tolerate him, establish boundaries. But she may just need to leave. He will never be the wonderful, loving husband and father you imagine he can magically be. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:35 PM Flag
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Wow. I'm surprised you're getting such negative feedback :( UB sucks sometimes! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:27 PM Flag
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This is all good advice coming from women who have BTDT. When you fall victim to an abusive and controlling person, it's very, very difficult to see the abuse yourself. You can't tell if you are being crazy and unreasonable, is your DH good or bad. Is it getting better, will it ever be. It's exactly message like the one OP posted that mess you up. No one wants to add drama to OP's life, but she needs help to see things more clearly. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:47 PM Flag
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How about some advice from women who have successfully weathered stress in their relationships? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:05 PM Flag
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That's bullshit. She's giving him an ultimatum. Dear Husband: I love you. I'm sorry we aren't getting along. I want us to be happy. How can we pull together to make this happen? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:03 PM Flag
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Your husband sounds as if he wants to communicate with you and understand your feelings. How can this be anything other than positive? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 06:25 PM Flag
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Are you in therapy for yourself, OP? I say that because as someone who was married to a similar man, it helped me learn coping skills so he wouldn't rock my boat every 4 seconds. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:39 PM Flag
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NP: agree with this. BTDT. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:49 PM Flag
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op: no but I need to find a good therapist. Thank you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:53 PM Flag
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NP I tried group therapy and also skills program, both were interesting, and also put into perspective what abuse is (and TBH how much worse it could be for me, and how if I didn't fix myself, I might end up with the same situation again). In the end, living a healthy lifestyle, and having a talk therapy that I felt was available 24/7 should I need it, helped the most. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:28 PM Flag
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I'm sorry you're sad--is not an apology. It sounds like a 4th grader tbh. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:58 PM Flag
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Op, please listen to me. You have received some good advice on these threads, but you have also received some advice that is well-meaning, but misguided. I really really wish for you to speak to someone with expertise in this area. A therapist with a social work background, a psychologist, or someone at the domestic abuse hotline. I have been in your shoes and it is so hard to see clearly when you are in a relationship like this. This behavior is not “temporary”. You can’t say anything to your husband that will change him. Many of these women replying today are actually reinforcing some of the stereotypes and misconceptions that have made domestic abuse so stigmatized in the past. You know what’s going to happen here: you reply to the text saying it’s ok, I love you, im sorry too and then next weekend / holiday / vacation day he will flip out over a dirty dish in the sink or because you bought orange juice with pulp and the whole cycle will start again. Please talk to someone who knows about domestic abuse and let them help you. They will confirm what you already know. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 01:59 PM Flag
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op: thank you for this. I had to laugh at buying orange juice with pulp, but you nailed it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:03 PM Flag
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np. I always recommend Stop Caretaking the Narcissist/BP. It's a good starting point until you see a therapist. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:07 PM Flag
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op: going to get that now. looks good. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:11 PM Flag
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And read Sam Vaknin. It was an eye opener for me. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:15 PM Flag
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That particular example really did happen to me. I know how hard this is. It’s not your fault. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:08 PM Flag
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I get pusses when dh buys the orange juice with pulp. Is this problematic? I tell him right before he goes and he still on occasion buys the wrong shit. Infuriating! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:38 PM Flag
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I’m going to ask dh his take on this one [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:39 PM Flag
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This [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:28 PM Flag
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If you freak out and start making threats over it, its a problem, yes. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:42 PM Flag
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Go away, troll. This is serious. Go fuck around with someone else. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:42 PM Flag
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Yes, take your kids to an abused women's homeless shelter and tell them that your abusive husband was upset cause you bought the wrong orange juice. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:07 PM Flag
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Yes, don't listen to women who have successfully navigated stress in their marriage. Listen to women who were physically abused...cause, whoops, no you're not being physically abused...your husband is pushing boundaries, you need to push back and speak up. That isn't abuse, that's a relationship. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:06 PM Flag
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Not all abuse is physical. Her husband is controlling; that is a form of abuse. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 02:04 PM Flag
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+1000 PLEASE CALL A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE TODAY. JUST CALL. JUST CALL. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:34 PM Flag
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Where did she say he hits her? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:07 PM Flag
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I think this is the best advice on the thread. I have a close friend whose DH has a substance abuse problem. The cycle is exactly what OR described and what OP is seeing: apologies, "woe is me", and then a repeat of the behavior. Rinse and repeat. My friend is emotionally exhausted but her DH knows that he can get to her by appealing to her sense of sympathy and her desire to keep the family together. OP, there comes a time when apologies aren't enough. They need to be backed up by action and change. Don't keep getting reeled in, OP. It's a waste of your time--and of your life. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:26 PM Flag
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Difficult to provide good advice because there are way too many nuances in relationships. My DH is an anxious person who can be controlling when he is most anxious. He is also a protective, kind and generous person the rest of the time. If yours sends texts like this routinely, then you know he is being manipulative. If this is new and he is trying, you may want to try too. Be kind but firm. Thank him for listening to your concerns and acknowledging your feelings. Might want to tell him that it would be a good idea for you to sit down and come up with an acceptable spending budget, because him monitoring every purchase will be a source of continued friction and frustration. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:53 PM Flag
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We have the same DH. Wonderful person, riddled with anxiety and freaks out when things aren’t his way. I often interpret it as “abusive” but it’s not. It’s his problem, he loves and cars for us. He’s in individual and couples therapy. I don’t think your husband sounds the same. Also DH would not insult me personally, however, it is still a real problem and becomes cyclical between us and requires attention and work. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 02:58 PM Flag
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How often do you to go to couples therapy? How often does he go to individual? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:29 PM Flag
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op: I agree that there are nuances. My DH sounds a little different. He is very loyal (don't think he would ever cheat) and extremely hard working for the family. I would not say he is generally kind and generous. In general, he is pretty stingy and often says very rude and demeaning things. Others would probably think he is nice because that is his outside image. Also, I worry about his stability. Yesterday at dinner, after slamming things, he sat at the table with his head in his hands and didn't speak to anyone. He abruptly got up and said he needed to go for a walk, and took DC with him. I felt worried about what he might do, which I don't think is normal. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:25 PM Flag
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This is all abusive behavior. You have to walk on egg shells the whole time. Please seek help. Once you start changing your behavior (establishing boundaries, letting his moods affect you less and less, asking for what you want need, etc) you will see his response. At first they all push back because they don't want you to be a confident person who does not respond to their moods. Luckily, DH accepted my new rules and we have been happy for a few years. But I feel like his case was much milder than your DH. You need professional help. All we can do it is telling you this until you start seeing a therapist. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:29 PM Flag
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NP: He sounds frustrated AND sad. If he works very hard for the family and may feel that nothing he does is ever good enough. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 06:30 PM Flag
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OPs other posts would give you more context. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:06 AM Flag
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I've read them. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:09 PM Flag
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It's money that's the issue. Do you work outside the home OP? Do you have a budget you discussed and agreed upon together? I think he's frustrated about your relationship..and taking a walk is a good thing. You need couples' therapy, NOW! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:09 PM Flag
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THIS! This! This! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:08 PM Flag
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Right now I'm grateful that you have UB to talk to. We're anonymous but able to follow your story from day to day. I hope you get the help you need, but it's also so helpful to have solidarity. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:31 PM Flag
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op: it is. thank you! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:40 PM Flag
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Hey, OP, one thing to consider is if you need to reply to this. He spoke about his feelings, but there's nothing here for or about how he treated you. Just a bunch of quasi-excuses. At most, I might say something like, "I understand that you're struggling and I hope that you can find a way to be at peace." [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 03:56 PM Flag
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Np: A key difference between men and women. Women want to endlessly rehash the past, and men want to move forward. Move forward, OP. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 06:29 PM Flag
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NP: I'm not certain what would be a positive response from the UB perspective. I think what would be a helpful response would be to ask: Do you want to stay married to this man and do you want to work together to have a stronger relationship? Cause he's not an asshole, and neither are you. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 06:27 PM Flag
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Just from reading the text and having read the previous post about the details of the fight this is what I think: He is making it about himself and throwing a pity party for himself. Clearly, it is you that he has hurt but he emphasizes that 'he is hurting'. My suggestion is that respond with a determined and reserved response and tell him that how he behaved did hurt you and makes you feel uncomfortable. Explain that his behavior is not setting a good example for the kids and it is unhealthy for them. Tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and you expect him to take further action if he really wants to try such as seeing a therapist. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 06:56 PM Flag
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^^ just read the other responses, so he already sees a therapist. if he is npd then he may not be candid about his problems with the therapist [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:26 PM Flag
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I suspect that there is nothing this man can say that will satisfy OP or UB. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:36 PM Flag
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Which means what? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 08:53 PM Flag
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I found his text very touching. He admitted that he is flawed, he admitted that he is trying. Is he supposed to cut his wrists open for her? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:34 PM Flag
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If you haven’t read this OP’s other posts, you wouldn’t have proper context. This is not a normal marital fight. This guy is controlling about crazy stuff. Things like freaking out because she opened a credit card in her own name. This weekend, she had been planning to take her dc out to lunch, he set a limit of $10 per person ( which is ridiculous imo ). The dc said something about sushi and he flew into a rage at OP because she told “a lie of omission” because she hadn’t told him, the dh, that they had discussed getting sushi. She can’t win with this guy. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:01 AM Flag
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No, they have a financial disconnect. Both of these are about money. Does OP spend, spend, spend? Are they tettering financially? My husband would also be livid if I opened a credit card without his knowledge (as I would be if he did the same.) We need to financially pull in the same direction, and they aren't. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:33 PM Flag
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No. Omg. Shut up. PP, don’t listen to these people. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:47 PM Flag
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She's making sense. Not being able to spend whatever you want seems to qualify as abuse on UB. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:48 PM Flag
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You needn't feel sorry for him or feel manipulated. He acknowledged your emotions, he expressed regret that he wasn't able to give you the response you needed. Hang around UB long enough asking for advice, and you'll be divorced. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:37 PM Flag
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Too true [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 08:53 PM Flag
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op: thanks all for the input. Just a quick update: I decided not to respond to the text all day. I came home from work and there were flowers sitting on the table, and DH was in an excited state, smiling and said, "let's do something fun tonight!" No mention of anything and acting like nothing happened. Confusing! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:34 PM Flag
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Go and do something fun. But read those books we recommended, they are really good, whether you live or don't with a Narcissist. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:11 AM Flag
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Typically, in an abusive relationship, the abuser will be nice for a little while, and then as soon as he thinks you are starting to feel comfortable again, he’ll go back to his old ways, the tension will start to build, and then bam! Another incident. And again and again. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:05 AM Flag
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Not confusing at all. It's the abuse cycle in action. Please take heed of the good advice on the this thread. Stay safe, OP. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 03:16 AM Flag
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Have you read her complaints? She wants to spend, he doesn't want her to. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:39 PM Flag
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NP: first of all, OP mentioned that she works. She has her own earnings, but even if she didn’t it’s not wrong to have a credit card in her own name. Please educate yourself on this issue, it is called Financial or Economic Abuse. It is a common theme in domestic abuse, one partner tries to control the other financially TO PREVENT THEM FROM LEAVING. Why on earth would you try to prevent a woman who is crying out for help, whom you don’t even know, from getting the help she needs ? The links below may help. https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/financial-abuse https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/types-of-domestic-violence [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:58 PM Flag
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What’s there to mention? He texted and you didn’t respond! He is trying, and I think you just need to take him at face value. Based on what you said about his reaction this weekend, he feels way too much pressure at work. The stress takes a toll on the high earners in US, many of whom are either cheating, divorced multiple times or drinking themselves to death. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 04:10 AM Flag
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This is true, but it sounds like you haven’t read this OPs original thread about what the fight was about. This is a controlling and unstable man, this post doesn’t give enough background. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:26 PM Flag
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Ah, while I sympathize with OP's distress, we have one side of the story. Reading her husband's text, he's trying...and she can't seem to appreciate how rare this is in many marriages. I've been married for 25 years. I have a healthy marriage, and one reason I think it is healthy is because I take it as a given that each of us is doing the best that he/she can. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:30 PM Flag
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OPs marriage and your marriage sound very different. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:15 PM Flag
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I would agree. When my husband apologizes, we book lunch together, sit down and talk about how next time a similar situation comes up we can navigate together more harmoniously. OP comes to UB. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:29 PM Flag
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^ and also WTF ? You don’t get to treat your spouse like shit because you are under pressure at work ! We are all under pressure at work. What’s the matter with you ? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:44 PM Flag
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His text doesn't sound like shit. Sounds like someone who is sorry there was a fight and is trying. You're really projecting. There's not going to be a whole lot of lunches out when she's a single mom. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:49 PM Flag
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This. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:29 PM Flag
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And this is exactly why so much domestic violence goes unreported. Women DIE because of attitudes like this. Just blame the victim. She’s crazy and overreacting. I suppose you think rape victims are asking for it, am I right ? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:34 PM Flag
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Ah, she's never mentioned any physical abuse. She's complaining cause he won't let her spend money. That's quite different from physical assault. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:43 PM Flag
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Ok - I need to jump in here because you sound, like many people, like you have misconceptions about domestic abuse and intimate partner violence. About me: I posted above about being in an abusive relationship, now I volunteer in a women’s and children’s shelter for victims of domestic violence and I really do know what I’m talking about. Abuse comes in many forms, not just physical. OP is describing emotional abuse, controlling behavior, and what is known as Financial abuse. Scroll down to “what is domestic abuse” and review the list of “types of abuse”. https://www.emedicinehealth.com/domestic_violence/article_em.htm#what_is_domestic_violence [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:05 PM Flag
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Where did she say he hits her? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:51 PM Flag
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THIS! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:29 PM Flag
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Cause men move forward. Women ruminate, come to UB and get all the opinions of strangers. I think if you want to get divorced just keep picking at something, come here to UB, and trust me, in a year, you'll be sitting in front of divorce attorney. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:31 PM Flag
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I used to buy into the "lulls" between storms. The flowers, the sudden "let's go out to dinner!". It's all part of the cycle. In therapy, I learned to disengage. Float above. Put on your shit proof raincoat every day and protect yourself. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 03:09 PM Flag
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Op, please realize that many people giving you advice on this thread, are not familiar with your previous posts and recent history. It also sounds like many of them are unfamiliar with abusive situations. Please speak to someone with knowledge in this area. You are not crazy, your dh’s behavior is not normal and you need help. If it happens that I’m wrong about this ( which I don’t think I am ), the therapist or expert that you speak to can correct me. Please don’t take the word of these responders who don’t know your situation and are making it sound like you are overreacting. Please. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:32 PM Flag
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Really? He doesn't want her to spend money, and she wants to. If that's abuse then a double-digit portion of marriages are abusive (and it is also wives who are wondering why their husbands are spending.) Go ahead, OP, get a divorce. See how being a single mom feels. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:44 PM Flag
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Op: don’t listen to this person. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:07 PM Flag
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Oh, I'm sure she won't. Sadly, UB is filled with bitter women..some of whom were really abused, and my heart goes out to them, but many of them who expected that marriage was all about their husbands pleasing them...and those will inevitably get divorced and come here to advise other women to divorce. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:21 PM Flag
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She should read the Gottman's books. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:50 PM Flag
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OP if you divorce are you prepared for being a single mom...going back to work, commuting, finding daycare? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:35 PM Flag
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She already works. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:06 PM Flag
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Then, see how it feels being a single parent. They need couples' therapy. The issue is the marriage..they both need to work on that. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:20 PM Flag
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OP..you need to find a qualified couples' counselor and not come to UB. Your marriage needs work. On UB you'll just hear that you're right, he's wrong, he's unsalvageable. It takes two to make a relationship work, and he's not unsalvageable, you just need to go together and work together. If your husband is genuinely abusive, let a qualified therapist confirm that. Not anonymous women on UB. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:28 PM Flag
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You have to have been married to one of these men to know that couples therapy won't work. They are master charmers and will put on a good face for a therapist and say all the right things, while plotting their revenge on the woman who made them go. They don't change. They don't get better with age. OPs only mode has to be coping until she can leave. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 03:11 PM Flag
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Op: here is a list of resources which you may find helpful. https://www.emedicinehealth.com/domestic_violence/article_em.htm#resources [ Reply | More